Humor Additions for Tuesday, May 1st, 2001

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Questions only someone with too much time on their hands could dream up . . .

  • Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? And other questions
  • Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
  • If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
  • If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
  • Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
  • Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
  • Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
  • Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
  • Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
  • Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
  • Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?
  • Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
  • Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
  • Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
  • Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
  • If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
  • If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  • If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
  • Why is bra singular and panties plural?
  • Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
  • Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  • Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?

Submitted by Wendy,

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A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it Flash.

Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed the camera.

Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went. Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, MD.

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More totally useless facts for you to impress your friends with:

  • The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
  • The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
  • The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
  • "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."
  • There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
  • The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
  • The only other word with the same number of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
  • The longest place-name still in use is
  • Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi-
  • pukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitnatahu, a New Zealand hill.
  • Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
  • Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book 'The Naked Lunch.'
  • A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
  • The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II, who fathered over 160 children.
  • There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters. This word is "therein," and the words within it are: the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
  • The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
  • To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.
  • The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways the following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
  • The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
  • Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
  • The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead."
  • The first episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi" was the highest-rated American program in the history of Korean television. "Chachi" is Korean for "penis."

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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New modern day definitions for the modern mother

  • AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
  • DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
  • FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
  • FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
  • FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
  • GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
  • HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
  • IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
  • INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
  • OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
  • PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
  • SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
  • STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by
  • boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
  • TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
  • TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
  • VERBAL: able to whine in words
  • WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...

Submitted by Wendy,

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