Humor Additions for Friday, June 29th, 2001

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The year is 2012 and the United States has just elected its first woman as well as its first Jewish President, Ms. Susan Vineberg.

The President-elect calls her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so," her mother replies. "It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be and my gout is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it, Mom," says the future President. "I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"Oh, I don't know," her mother says, doing what she does best.

"Everybody will be so fancy, I don't know what on earth I would wear."

"Oh, Mom," replies Susan, "don't worry about it. I'll make sure you have a wonderful new gown, maybe by Christian Dior."

"Honey," her mother complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry, Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I want you to come."

So Mom agrees, and on January 21, 2013, Susan Vineberg is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

"Her brother's a doctor."

Submitted by Wink, Brooklyn, NY.

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An Octogenarian, who was an avid golfer, moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. 

He went to the Club for the first time to play, but he was told there wasn't anyone with whom he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes, because I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said, " Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the Octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a hand."

Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Calif

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Three elderly ladies are excited about their first Mariners base ball game. 

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels in to the game. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying the game and drinking Jack Daniels mixed in their soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle of Jack Daniels is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Using the clues given, what inning is the game in and what is the status of the game?

The game is in the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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A Horsie Wife is:
  • A sentimental fool. Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
  • Easy to locate. She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
  • Upholds the double standard. Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a shave.
  • Owns one vacuum cleaner and operates it exclusively in the barn.
  • A social butterfly, providing the party is given by another horsey
  • wife. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
  • Economy minded. Won't waste your money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
  • A culinary perfectionist. Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies your dinner in the microwave.
  • Occasionally amorous, but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, a slight trace of chapstick.
  • Easy to outfit. No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. You can find all she wears at your local tack store.
  • Features a selective sense of smell. Bitterly complains about your sticky-sweet cigar smoke while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
  • Unmistakable in a bathing suit. She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists.
  • A dedicated club woman, as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in it's name.
  • Has your leisure at heart. Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture (which, in turn, converts itself into mud.)
  • A master at multiplication. She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
  • Keeps an eagle eye on the budget. Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars, but croaks when you blow ten on a tie.
  • An engaging conversationalist. Can rattle on endlessly about training and the pros and cons of castration.
  • Socially aware. Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
  • A moving force in the family. House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
  • Easy to please. A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
  • Shows her affection in unusual ways. If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you!

Submitted by Penny, Washington, D.C.

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