Humor Additions for Monday, June 11th, 2001

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and they have the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. 

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too!

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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I AM a horse-aholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's online meeting of Horse-Aholicas Anonymous.

You may be sitting there thinking that you are OK, and don't really need any help. It is not easy to realize that you are a horse-aholic, and even harder to bring yourself to a HA meeting for help. HA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask to try to determine if you can be helped.

  • Can you say 'sheath' in public without blushing?
  • Do you know exactly what 'snaffle' means? (No, it is not a drink!)
  • Do you drive a truck with some type of towing package and/or dual rear wheel when everyone else you know drives a real car?
  • Do you have more than one type of trailer because you own horses?
  • Do you spend your holidays going to shows, sales, clinics, and seminars when everyone else goes on cruises?
  • Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make a doctor leave in disgust?
  • Do you consider formal wear clean jeans and freshly scraped boots?
  • Does the inside of your home look like your interior decorator is 'State Line Tack'?
  • Do you often have barn boots on your front porch?
  • Is your mail made up primarily of breed magazines and horse catalogs?
  • Do your shirt pockets often contain bits of feed, hay, and empty syringe covers?
  • Do you worry about paying your monthly feed bill before you think of paying your electric bill?
  • When you meet a person, do you ask how many horses they have, and pity them if the answer is none?
  • Do you remember the name of a great-great-great grand sire when you can't remember your own Great grandfather's name?
  • Is your primary dream in life to breed the perfect foal?
  • Do you find non-horse people boring?
  • Is 99% of your e-mail about horses?
  • Do you have a collection of bits even larger than your collection of horses?
  • Does you halter collection include more than four foal halters, all the same size?
  • Do you know more than five people this list fits exactly?

If you answered YES to three of these questions, you are in pretty good shape. You will lead a long, dull life, and never call your mother and tell her "I'm in the hospital, but everything is fine! The horse is OK."

If you answered YES to 10, you are in serious trouble. Give in gracefully, and become a member of Horse-Aholics Anonymous now... You will qualify eventually anyway.

If you answered YES to 15 or more, you are incurable.

My advice to those who, like me, are incurable is as follows.....

Sit back, smile, read your email, and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and better horses, and it will never be dull.

Submitted by Penny, Somewhere in Maryland

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When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
  1. The woman goes to the store.
  2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
  3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
  4. The man places the meat on the grill.
  5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
  6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
  7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
  8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
  9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
  10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Submitted by Marion, Haverford, Pa.

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