Humor Additions for Friday, July 27th, 2001

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The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. 

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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What men say and what they mean  . . . 
  • "I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
  • "IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
  • "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR
  • "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
  • "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."
  • "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
  • "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
  • "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"
  • "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
  • "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
  • "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
  • "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
  • "I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
  • "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
  • "I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
  • "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
  • "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
  • "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
  • "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed "Hebonics" - as a second language.

Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.

According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question-plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with MY feet?'"

Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."

Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, "Switched-On Hebonics":

  • Question: "What time is it?" 
    English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
    Hebonics answer: "What am I, a clock?"
  • Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."  
    English response: "Thanks."  
    Hebonics response: "I should BE so lucky!"
  • Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
    English response: "Be right there."
    Hebonics response: "All right already, I'm coming! What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
  • Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
    English response: "Glad you like it."
    Hebonics response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the OTHER ties I gave you?"
  • Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
    English response: "Congratulations!"
    Hebonics response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
  • Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
    English answer: "Just say when."
    Hebonics answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
  • To guest of honor at his birthday party:
    English remark: "Happy birthday."
    Hebonics remark: "A year smarter you should become."
  • Remark: "A beautiful day."
    English response: "Sure is."
    Hebonics response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
  • Answering a phone call from a son:
    English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
    Hebonics remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. 

The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. 

The traveler left, rejoicing in his great fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

"I've been thinking," he said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone."

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.

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