The passenger tapped the cab driver on the
shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a
bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the
driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You
scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a
little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not
really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've
been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
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What men say and what they mean . . .
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I
remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle
identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE
ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the
corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG
DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but
will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall
into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did
you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the
foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately
that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the
next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and
realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: "Please don't
try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Means: "I make
the messes, she cleans them up."
- "I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to
drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with
a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
- "IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no
rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no
chance at all of making it logical."
- "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't
it already on the table?" "UH HUH,"
"SURE, HONEY," OR
- "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a
- "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means:
"I have no idea how it works."
- "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS
ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that
redhead over there is wearing a bra."
- "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum
- "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you
Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.
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The New York City school board has officially
declared Jewish English - now dubbed "Hebonics" - as a
Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first
in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and
significant attribute of New York culture.
According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New
York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence
structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European
language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to
any question is usually another question-plus a complaint that is
implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How
should I be, with MY feet?'"
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for
expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of
a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning:
"Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to
the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful,
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end
of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's
slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a
fly in Vaseline he walks."
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook,
- Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonics answer: "What am I, a clock?"
- Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonics response: "I should BE so lucky!"
- Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonics response: "All right already, I'm coming! What's
with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
- Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonics response: "So what's the matter; you don't like
the OTHER ties I gave you?"
- Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonics response: "She could stand to gain a few
- Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonics answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a
- To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonics remark: "A year smarter you should become."
- Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonics response: "So the sun is out; what else is
- Answering a phone call from a son:
English remark: "It's been a long time since you
Hebonics remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
Submitted by Larry,
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A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains
found a precious stone in a stream.
The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the
wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler
saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She
did so without hesitation.
The traveler left, rejoicing in his great fortune. He knew the
stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a
few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.
"I've been thinking," he said, "I know how
valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can
give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within
you that enabled you to give me the stone."
Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.
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