Humor Additions for Monday, July 23rd, 2001

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A little old Jewish lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. 

Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."

The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, Chutzpah."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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A lawyer is speaking to his son about ethics.

"Suppose son, that one day a gentleman comes into my office with a simple question. Upon answering the man's question, I charge him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a simple question but agrees to pay. The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand.  Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me two $100.00 bills.

Now the ethical question:  Do I share that money with my partner?"

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. 

He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. 

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. 

He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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