• Advancement opportunity: Horrible job.
• Entry level: Really horrible job.
• No experience necessary: The mother of all horrible jobs.
• Administrative assistant: Horrible job with a title.
• Ground floor opportunity: horrible job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.
• Progressive company: Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.
• Team player: Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.
• Upbeat personality: Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.
• Word processing skills essential: There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.
• Public relations: Receptionist
• Professional appearance important: $20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe
• Pleasant telephone manner: Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME
• Salary range $24,000 to $32,000: The salary is $24,000
• Jeans job! Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.
• Will train: Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.
• B.A. required, master's preferred: Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary
• Civil service: This job was filled from the inside six months ago.
• Women & minorities encouraged to apply: White males need not waste the stamp.
• Outstanding benefits package: Health insurance.
• Tons of variety! We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job.
• Top-notch communication skills: Telemarketing
• Beautiful offices in attractive location: Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.
• Secretary: Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.
• Executive secretary: The most powerful position in the company
• Dedicated: You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.
• Salary commensurate: We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.
• Salary negotiable: We'll take the lowest bidder.
• Competitive salary: We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.
• Competitive starting salary: Ten cents above minimum wage.
• Pleasant atmosphere: A staff of pod people.
• Professional atmosphere: Zombie pod people.
• Fun, creative atmosphere: Pod people from hell.
• Dynamic atmosphere: Zombie pod people from hell.
• Gal Friday: Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.
• Self-starter: Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

. . . when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"

Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him! We finally get to ask him!!"

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.

Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

She tells the mechanic, "It died."

She says: "What's the story?"

He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor."