Humor Additions for Wednesday, July 11th, 2001

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Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. 

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. 

One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly.

Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

Submitted by Bryan, Idaho Falls, Id.

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The Obituary of Common Sense

Today, we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of "Common Sense". Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium.

No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare or foolishness.

For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm and life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids).

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technology revolution, Common Sense survived cultural trends including body piercing, whole language, "new math", and don't ask don't tell. But his health declined when he became infected with the "If-It-Only-Helps-One-Person-It's-Worth-It" virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of federal regulation. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by lawyers and auditors. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools implemented policies where a 6-year old boy is charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen is suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher is fired for reprimanding an unruly student.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges invaded everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic, but was kept informed of developments regarding regulations for asbestos, low flow toilets, "smart" guns, and mandatory air bags and he was in disbelief when told that the homeowners associations restricted exterior furniture only to that which enhanced property values. It was the aftermath of the 2000 Presidential election that caused him to breathe his last breath.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son Reason.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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