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For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal training . . .

. . . at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other junk too.

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday: I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be bastard. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi bastard.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square, Pa.

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More great insights on life from kids
  • How do you decide who to marry?
    • You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10
    • No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. Kirsten, age 10
  • What is the right age to get married?
    • Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then. Camille, age 10
    • No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6
  • How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
    • You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8
    • What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
    • Both don't want any more kids. Lori, age 8
  • What do most people do on a date?
    • Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough lynnette, age 8
    • On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10
  • What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?
    • I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9
  • When is it okay to kiss someone?
    • When they're rich. Pam, age 7
    • The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 7
    • The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8
  • Is it better to be single or married?
    • I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. Theodore, age 8
    • It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9
  • How would the world be different if people didn't get married?
    • There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 favorite is........"

  • How would you make a marriage work?
    • Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10

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