Memo from Santa
I regret to inform you that,
effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve
Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by
North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas
of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of
the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk
and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your
children will be in good hands with your local replacement who
happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from
the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us. Differences such as:
- 1. There is no danger of a
Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun
rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
- 2. Instead of milk and
cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola
and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so
please have an empty spit can handy.
- 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is
pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
- 4. You won't hear "On
Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on
Elliott and Petty."
- 5. "Ho, ho, ho!"
has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
- 6. As required by Southern
highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam
safety triangle on the back with the words "Back
Off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on
the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with
lights that race through the letters and the other is a
caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth
- The usual Christmas movie
classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg
Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens
of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
- Bubba Claus doesn't wear a
belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the
kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
- And finally, lovely
Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph
The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa
Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba
Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the
South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba
Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I
Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and
Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You
can Shove It."
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
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I hate this time
of year because it's the season when the food police come out .
. . . with their wagging
fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays
without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without
finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate
second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with
butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good
grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot
stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was
something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for
holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat
and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your
pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
Drink as much eggnog as you
can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare.
In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't
find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who
cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as
if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's
later than you think. It's Christmas!
- About those carrot sticks.
Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you
see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're
serving rum balls.
If something comes with
gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on.
Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with
gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
As for mashed potatoes,
always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If
it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.
Do not have a snack before
going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The
whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
Under no circumstances
should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do
that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is
the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and
that vat of eggnog.
If you come across something
really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas
cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself
near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful
pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going
to see them again.
Same for pies. Apple.
Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't
like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Did someone mention
fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards, mate.
And one final tip: If you
don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from
the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips.
Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the
Submitted by Andy,
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Worst Nightmares . . . (Part 2)
- Another man called and asked
if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the
reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said,
"I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to
drive between the gates to save time."
- A nice lady just called. She
needed to know how it was possible that her flight from
Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I
tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time
zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she
- I just got off the phone
with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get
on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none
of these darn planes have numbers on them.
- A woman called and said,
"I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer
planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
- A man called and had a
question about the documents he needed in order to fly to
China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've
been to China many times and never had to have one of
those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay
definitely required a visa. When I told him this he said,
"Look, I've been to China four times and every time
they have accepted my American Express."
- A woman called to make
reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for
words. Finally, the agent asks: "Are you sure that's
the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you
have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the
agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a
Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh
don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your
map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York
and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do
you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big
Submitted by Larry
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