Humor Additions for Friday, August 3rd, 2001

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My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy.

My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body.

It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.

Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to! ! NASA. 

With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then.

Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.

Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true.

Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn ten. If you don't forward this email, that's okay.

Mommy says you're a mean and heartless nasty person who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death and then burn forever in hell.

What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard.

I wish I had a kitty.

I wish I could hold a kitty.

I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its poo in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You,

Billy "Smiley" Evans

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.

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A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard . . .

. . . wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

Submitted by Marion, Haverford, Pa.

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The Male Stages of life


  • 17 beer
  • 25 vodka
  • 35 scotch
  • 48 double scotch
  • 66 Maalox


  • 17 My parents are away for the weekend.
  • 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
  • 35 My fiance is away for the weekend.
  • 48 My wife is away for the weekend.
  • 66 My second wife is dead.


  • 17 sex
  • 25 sex
  • 35 sex
  • 48 sex
  • 66 napping


  • 17 "tongue"
  • 25 "breakfast"
  • 35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
  • 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
  • 66 "No one died."


  • 17 getting to third base
  • 25 airplane sex
  • 35 menage-a-trois
  • 48 taking the company public
  • 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave


  • 17 roaches
  • 25 stoned-out college roommate
  • 35 Irish setter
  • 48 children from his first marriage
  • 66 Barbie


  • 17 25
  • 25 35
  • 35 48
  • 48 66
  • 66 17



  • 17 Wine Coolers
  • 25 White wine
  • 35 Red wine
  • 48 Dom Perignon
  • 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser


  • 17 Need to wash my hair
  • 25 Need to wash and condition my hair
  • 35 Need to color my hair
  • 48 Need to have Francois color my hair
  • 66 Need to have Francois color my wig


  • 17 shopping
  • 25 shopping
  • 35 shopping
  • 48 shopping
  • 66 shopping


  • 17 "Burger King"
  • 25 "Free meal"
  • 35 "A diamond"
  • 48 "A bigger diamond"
  • 66 "Home Alone"


  • 17 tall, dark and handsome
  • 25 tall, dark and handsome with money
  • 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
  • 48 a man with hair
  • 66 a man


  • 17 Muffy the cat
  • 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
  • 35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
  • 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
  • 66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat


  • 17 17
  • 25 25
  • 35 35
  • 48 48
  • 66 66


  • 17 He offers to pay
  • 25 He pays
  • 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
  • 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
  • 66 He can chew breakfast

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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George W. Bush was asked how he felt about Roe v. Wade.

He said it was the most important decision George Washington had to make before crossing the Delaware

Submitted by Marianne, Colombia, Md.

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Due to an increasing number of attacks on women in remote, dark parking lots, some municipalities are segregating parking areas by sex.

The picture below is a women's parking lot shows how this concept is working in Indianapolis:

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