Humor Additions for Wednesday, August 22nd, 2001

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John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. 

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental Hospital, as he considered him to be okay.

The doctor said "We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since your were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, John hung himself in the bathroom and died."

David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry."

Submitted by Wink, The Bronx, NY.

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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. 

The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, the accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...etc ....etc. He

had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for an horrific night, entered the bedroom. 

What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story? The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a witch---and don't you forget it.

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More Out Takes From The Original Hollywood Squares T.V. Show
  • Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
    Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
  • Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
  • Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
    Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.
  • Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
  • Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire girls?
    Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
  • Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
    Paul Lynde: Make him yelp.
  • Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
    George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
  • Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
  • Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
  • Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
    Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
  • Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
    George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
  • Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body-what is it?
    Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected! 

Submitted by Megan, Emmitsburg, Md.

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