Humor Additions for Friday, August 10th, 2001


    My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List 

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net


Let's see how good you are on "COMMON KNOWLEDGE".

No cheating! No looking around; no using anything on or in your desk. Can you beat 18? (The average.) Write down your answers and check the answers (which are on the bottom of e-mail) after completing all the questions. And remember ... No Cheating!

  1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
  2. How many states are there? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
  3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
  4. What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
  5. What 2 letters don't appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!)
  6. What 2 numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
  7. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?
  8. How many matches are in a standard pack [cardboard flip top]?
  9. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
  10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
  11. Which way does water go down the drain in the US, counter or clockwise?
  12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
  13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
  14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?
  15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?
  16. Which way do fans rotate?
  17. Whose face is on a dime?
  18. How many sides does a stop sign have?
  19. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
  20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
  21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
  22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
  23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
  24. On which playing card is the cardmaker's trademark?
  25. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
  26. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center?
  27. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
  28. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
  29. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

Don't look at answers below until you complete all the questions:

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Men and Women Compared:

Nicknames

  • If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
  • If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

Eating Out

  • When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in a $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
  • When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
  • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

Bathrooms

  • A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
  • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Arguments

  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
  • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Future

  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success

  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage

  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Dressing Up

  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
  • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children:

  • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone . . .

. . . and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computerís and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.

I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Answers:
  1. Bottom
  2. 50 (please tell me you at least got this one!)
  3. Right
  4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, and gold
  5. Q Z
  6. 1 and 0
  7. Right
  8. 20
  9. Red
  10. 88
  11. Counter (unless you happen to be south of the equator)
  12. Towards bottom right
  13. 12 (no #1)
  14. Left
  15. Top
  16. Clockwise as you look at it
  17. Roosevelt
  18. 8
  19. Left
  20. 5
  21. 6
  22. Bashful
  23. 8
  24. Ace of spades
  25. Left
  26. ONE
  27.  *, #
  28. 3
  29. Counter

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