Humor Additions for Wednesday, August 1st, 2001

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Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. 

Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the Obits page.

He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous.

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up. "Jake, are you up yet?"

Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."

"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"

"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"

"Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!"

"All right, don't be such a pain in the butt so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"

"Jake, look at the bottom of column 4."

"Why? What's that story on?"

"Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"

"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.

Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully, "So Saul, where are you calling me from right now?"

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. 

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10."

You all are probably laughing now, but since I skipped too many religious classes: Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.

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More insights on life from celebrities
  • "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown
  • "Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" - Lily Tomlin
  • "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." - Lily Tomlin
  • "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" - Marsha Warfield
  • "Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anybody going faster than you is a maniac?" - George Carlin
  • "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner
  • "I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." - Carol Leifer
  • "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents." - William Coronel

Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Calif.

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Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided he really needed a new robe. 

After looking around, he saw a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor".

He went in and Finkelstein prepared a new robe for him, which was a perfect fit. When he asked how much he owed, Finkelstein brushed him off.

"No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge. However, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor".

Jesus readily agreed and, as promised, plugged Finkelstein's robes every time he preached. Some months later, Jesus was walking through Jerusalem and happened by Finkelstein's shop. There was a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein.

"Jesus! Jesus!! Look what a marvel you've been for business!" gushed Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?"

"Sure, sure," replies Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman."

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. Finally, they came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop...


Submitted by John, Upton, Long Island

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