Humor Additions for Thursday, April 26th, 2001

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A Stock Market Dictionary for the past year investor
  • Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
  • Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
  • Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.
  • P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.
  • Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell.
  • Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
  • Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
  • Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
  • Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
  • Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
  • Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
  • Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
  • Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
  • Cisco - Side kick of Poncho.
  • Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share.
  • Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share.
  • Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

Submitted by Susan, Phila., Pa.

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The perfect breakfast.......

you're sitting at the table -

  • Your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties...
  • your mistress is on the cover of playboy...
  • and your wife is on the back of the milk carton!

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 

97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Submitted by Wendy, Emmitsburg, MD.

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Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement. . .

. . . so that he could marry another woman. "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.

"Not on her best day." Hank replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.

"No, she's broke."

"Well then, is it sex?"

"Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what is it?? What can she do for you that I can't?"

"She can sue me for child support!"

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.

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Q. What was Clinton's biggest mistake after breaking off his affair with Monica?

A. Not asking Ted Kennedy to drive her home.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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