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How to identify where a driver is from...
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
  • One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: New York.
  • One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New jersey.
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: Los Angeles.
  • Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: From montana, but driving in California.
  • Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
  • One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: Seattle.
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
  • Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, prairie dog tails attached to antenna: Wyoming.
  • Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Houck

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You Know You're in Arizona When:
  • You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't remember the name of the incumbent.
  • You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
  • You can say Hokam and people don't think you're laughing funny.
  • You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
  • You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River.
  • You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
  • You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
  • You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over 100 degrees.
  • You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.
  • You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
  • You can make sun tea instantly.
  • You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
  • You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
  • You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.
  • Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
  • You can pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and Tlaquepaque".
  • It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.
  • You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
  • Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go to Circle K.
  • Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them.
  • Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
  • No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
  • You can understand the reason for a town named "Why."

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You know you're from New York when ... take II
  • You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.
  • You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.
  • You and the other three passengers look at each other and know you have pure grit.
  • You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.
  • You know what "regular" coffee is
  • It's not Manhattan; it's the "city".
  • You get upset that a cabbie is obeying all the rules of the road.
  • You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent.
  • There is no north and south. It's "uptown" or "downtown."
  • If you're really from New York you have absolutely no concept of where north and south are....and east or west is "Crosstown."
  • You cross the street anywhere but on the corners and you yell at cars for not respecting the fact.
  • You move 8,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language and people still know you're from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth. You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a "real" pizza and "real" bagel.
  • A 500 square foot apartment is large.
  • Your co-worker commutes 45 minutes by train to a 2,000 square foot house in the suburbs that was the same price as that same 500 square foot apartment of yours that takes only 35 minutes to get to and you think he's a sucker.
  • You know the differences between all the different ray's pizzas. -you are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would be able to actually understand a p.a. announcement on the subway.
  • You know who Dr. X is.
  • You have at least 50 menus in your apartment, two thirds of which you have neither ordered from nor even heard of.
  • You wouldn't bother ordering pizza in any other city.
  • You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the major food groups: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.
  • You know how to fold the New York times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats.
  • You don't even notice the nice lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with her self.
  • You pay "only" $230 a month to park your car.
  • You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.
  • You look forward to riding the subway to read the next installment of "Marisol and Julio".
  • The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it is beer.
  • You may air heartfelt gripes and complaints about your city, but heaven help any visitors who dis' your city.

That's New York, baby! You gotta love it.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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You Know You're From New York City When...
  • You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
  • You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
  • You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
  • Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
  • The subway makes sense.
  • You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
  • You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
  • The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
  • You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
  • You consider Westchester "upstate".
  • You think Central Park is "nature."
  • You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
  • You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."
  • You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
  • You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.
  • You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
  • You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.
  • Your closet is filled with black clothes.
  • You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since the 80s, and when you did, it terrified you.
  • You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
  • You take fashion seriously.
  • Being truly alone makes you nervous.
  • You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
  • Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
  • America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
  • You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.
  • You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
  • Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
  • $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
  • You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
  • You don't notice sirens anymore.
  • You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
  • Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.
  • You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
  • You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skills.
  • You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
  • Your door has more than three locks.
  • Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
  • You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
  • You run when you see a flashing "Do Not Walk" sign at the intersection.
  • You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.
  • You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.
  • You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent.
  • There is no North and South. It's uptown or downtown.
  • When you're away from home, you miss "real" pizza and "real" bagels.
  • You know the differences between all the different Ray's Pizzas.
  • You're not in the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's Eve.
  • Your internal clock is permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are in effect.
  • You know what a bodega is.
  • You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats.
  • Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.....
  • You cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas
  • Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you.
  • You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from NYC.

Submitted by Pat, Smith Lake, VA.

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Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of insult ...

... just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 6-lane highway."

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. Can you believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss." Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swanee," not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't. And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed.

I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or what "I reckon" means!

My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."

Southern girls know bad manners when they see them: 1. Drinking straight out of a can. 2. Not sending thank you notes. 3. Velvet after February. 4. White shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day

Southern girls always say: 1. "Yes, ma'am." 2. "Yes, sir."

Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions: 1. "Y'all come back now, ya heaah." 2. "Well, bless your heart." 3. "Drop by when you can." 4. "How's your mama?" 5. "Love your hair."

Southern girls know their three R's: 1. Rich 2. Richer 3. Richest

Southern girls know everybody's first name: 1. Honey 2. Darlin' 3. Shugah

Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts: 1. "Gone With the Wind" 2. "Fried Green Tomatoes" 3. "Driving Miss Daisy" 4. "Steel Magnolias"

Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm: 1. Hotlanta or Adlanna (Atlanta as outsiders say) 2. Richmon 3. Challston 4. S'vannah 5. Birminham 6. Nawlins' 7. Oh! and that city in Alabama ? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!

Southern girls know the three deadly sins: 1. Bad hair 2. Bad manners 3. Bad blind dates

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

Go to page 5 of 'You Know You're from ...' Jokes

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