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Actual letter of resignation from an employee to her boss ...

... who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never mess with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia

Submitted by Tom, Fairfield, Pa.
 

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A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day.

When he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner.

They had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.

"Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"it should," said the vet, it Stopped Me!"

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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Getting the Christmas Office Party Memo Right ...

December 13st To: All Employees:

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

December 14th To: All Employees:

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

December 15th  To: All Employees:

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange -- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis, Human Researchers Director

December 16th To: All Employees:

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?  Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director

December 17th To: All Employees:

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis, Human Rat Races

December 18th To: All Employees:

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell

December 19th To: All Employees:

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director

Submitted by Richard, Williamsport, MD.
 

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What Your Profession Says About You
  • Marketing - you are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with sales.
  • Sales - laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." you seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
  • Technology - unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even you don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that geeks shall inherit the earth.
  • Engineering - one of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
  • Accounting - the only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
  • Human Resources - ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch and then mail a letter.
  • Management/Middle Management - catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "middle managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "middle manager."
  • Senior Management - (see above - same sign, different title)
  • Customer service - bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "customer service." continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
  • Consultant - lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
  • Recruiter, "headhunter" - as a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
  • Partner, president, ceo - you are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
  • Government worker - paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... thus the term "go postal."

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A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.

This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room And asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin one of the other workers mutters....

"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's".

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable pre flight SAFETY Public Announcement from their flight attendants over their PA system. In his own words....

I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend ...

... and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it.

Before takeoff...

Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft.

The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is ... the flight attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea.

Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first.

If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing-not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane-HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.

There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight... hold on; let me check what it is. Oh, here it is! The movie tonight is "Gone with the Wind".

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light.

Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

After landing...

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the "ASPHALT".

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "SHIFT HAPPENS."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems ...

...  encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

  • P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
  • P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
  • P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
  • P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
  • P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
  • P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for.
  • P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
  • P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
  • P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
  • P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
  • P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
  • P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
  • P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

Submitted by Cassie, Middleburg, Va.
 

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Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk ...

... when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't! II
  • "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?
  • "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
  • Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose.
  • Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
  • I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for thirty years.
  • Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  • I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
  • Back off! You're standing in my aura.
  • Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
  • I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
  • Wait. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  • Earth is full. Go home.
  • Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
  • I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  • I'm already visualizing duct tape over your mouth.
  • Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
  • I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • What ever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
  • Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
  • I'm NOT stressed out. You're just extremely annoying!
  • Have a nice day. somewhere else.

Go to Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't! I
 

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