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A Japanese and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River.

Both the teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.

A "Management Team" made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 persons steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program."

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Some Important Financial Terms That Were Redefined in 2002:
  • Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
  • Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
  • Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
  • Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
  • P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.
  • Broker -What my broker has made me.
  • "B'Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
  • Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.
  • Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
  • Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
  • Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
  • Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
  • Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
  • Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
  • Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
  • Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
  • Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.
  • Alan Greenspan - God
  • Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan. 

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An airline recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

(BIG trouble here!)

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Submitted by Joe, Emmitsburg, Maryland

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How to keep an healthy level of insanity
  • At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  • Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  • Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
  • Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  • Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
  • Don't use any punctuation marks
  • As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  • Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
  • Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
  • Sing along at the opera.
  • Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
  • Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  • Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
  • Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
  • When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
  • Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......

  • Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Engineer Q&A's

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file, and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up road map the wrong way.
Submitted by John, Durham, NC.

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The Shallow End of The Gene Pool Continues to Expand ...

The following are taken from real Cover Letters, and were printed in the July 21st issue of Fortune Magazine:

  • "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
  • "Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details."
  • "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
  • "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
  • "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
  • "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
  • "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
  • "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
  • "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
  • "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
  • "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
  • "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
  • "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
  • "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
  • "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
  • "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
  • "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
  • "Marital status: often. Children: various."
  • "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
  • "Finished eighth in class of ten."
  • "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square, Pa.

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Sure fire ways to annoy fellow passengers in an elevator ...
  • Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
  • Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
  • Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
  • Sell Girl Scout cookies.
  • On a long ride, sway side-to-side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
  • Shave.
  • Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
  • Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
  • Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  • When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  • Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  • On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
  • Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
  • When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
  • Meow, occasionally.
  • Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
  • Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go!" then sigh and say "Oops!"
  • Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
  • Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
  • Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
  • Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
  • Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
  • Leave a box between the doors.
  • Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
  • Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers, with it.
  • Start a sing-along.
  • When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
  • Play the harmonica.
  • Shadow box.
  • Say "Ding!" at each floor.
  • Lean against the button panel.
  • Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
  • Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
  • Bring a chair along.
  • Blow spit bubbles.
  • Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
  • Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
  • Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
  • Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  • Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Finally ...

  • Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa

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Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't!
  • And your crybaby whiny-opinion would be...?
  • Do I look like a people person?
  • This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  • I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • You!... Off my planet!
  • Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  • Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  • A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  • Allow me to introduce my selves.
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  • See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
  • Not all men are annoying Some are dead.
  • I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  • Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  • Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kind of slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, and no backbone. I'd say you must be either a politician, a lawyer, or possibly someone in upper management

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Just in case you ever got prison & work mixed up. This should make things a bit more clear . . .

IN PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK: you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: you get three meals a day. 
AT WORK: you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON: you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: you get your own toilet.
AT WORK: you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON: all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. 
AT WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON: you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: they are called managers.

***** So why is it again that we work? *****

Submitted by Stan, Fairfield, Pa.

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You know you're living in the high tech fast lane when:
  • You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
  • Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
  • When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
  • When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
  • You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
  • Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
  • Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
  • You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
  • Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
  • Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
  • Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
  • Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
  • Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
  • Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
  • Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
  • Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
  • There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
  • Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".


  • You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
  • As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".
  • It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.
  • You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
  • This email has 20 different disclaimer notes at the bottom, telling you that the information is confidential, but you forward anyway.

Submitted by Amanda, somewhere out there on the web

Go to page 7 of Work Jokes

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