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In every Human Resources report, there is a reason for termination.

There are so many possibilities, that we have narrowed the list down to the 7 dwarfs. Here they are:

  • Happy: Had trouble putting nose to the grindstone. Too much time spent telling jokes at the water cooler.
  • Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work.
  • Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays.
  • Grumpy: Poor attitude toward work. Not a team player. Trouble with early mornings.
  • Dopey: Made several critical errors at work costing the company money, e.g., misappropriated company funds.
  • Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness has made it difficult for the employee to complete work in a timely fashion.
  • Bashful: Lack of initiative. Not willing to make cold calls. Too often let workplace disagreements simmer.


  1. Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement in the occult not congruent with organizational policies.
  2. Snow White: Misconduct, e.g., kissing strange men while under some kind of trance.
  3. Huntsman: Couldn't stand to be cooped up in the office all day. Pursuing work with the National Forest Service.

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My job is in the Aerospace Industry...

..., and it's always been a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

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You're a teacher if...
  • You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
  • You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
  • You believe chocolate is a food group.
  • You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
  • You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
  • You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
  • When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.
  • You have no life between August to June.
  • You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
  • You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
  • You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
  • You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
  • You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
  • You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
  • You know you are in for a major project when a parent says: "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
  • You want to choke a person when they say "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
  • Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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What The Job Ad Says; What It Means
  • Ground floor opportunity - Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
  • Progressive company -  Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
  • Team player - Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities
  • Upbeat personalities - Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
  • Word processing skills essential - There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
  • Public Relations Receptionist, Professional appearance important - $20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe
  • Salary range $24K to $32K - The salary is $24K
  • Will train - Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem
  • BA required, MA preferred - Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary
  • Civil service - This job was filled from the inside six months ago

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Actual Lines from Resumes
  • I am very detail-oreinted.
  • My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
  • Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
  • Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
  • It's best for employers that I not work with people.
  • Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
  • I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
  • If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
  • My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
  • You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
  • I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
  • Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
  • Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date.
  • Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
  • Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
  • Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.
  • Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
  • My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
  • Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
  • I am a rabid typist.
  • Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
  • I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
  • Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
  • Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
  • Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
  • Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
  • Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
  • I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
  • Special Skills: Speak English.
  • Served as assistant sore manager.
  • Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
  • Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
  • Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
  • Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Performance review terms.
  • Average employee: Not too bright.
  • Exceptionally well qualified: Made no major blunders - yet.
  • Active socially: Drinks a lot.
  • Family is active socially: Spouse drinks, too.
  • Character above reproach: Sstill one step ahead of the cops.
  • Zealous attitude: Opinionated.
  • Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.
  • Careful thinker: Won't make a decision.
  • Takes pride in work: Conceited.
  • Plans for advancement: Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour.
  • Forceful: Argumentative.
  • Aggressive: Obnoxious.
  • Uses logic on difficult jobs: Gets someone else to do it.
  • A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
  • Express themselves well: Speak English.
  • Conscientious: Scared.
  • Meticulous attention to detail: A nit picker.
  • Has leadership qualities: Is tall or has a loud voice.
  • Exceptionally good judgement: Lucky.
  • Keen sense of humor: Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
  • Strong principles: Stubborn.
  • Career minded: Back stabber.
  • Coming along well: About to be let go.
  • Of great value to the organization: Gets to work on time.
  • Relaxed attitude: Sleeps at desk.
  • Experienced problem solver: Screws up often.
  • Work is first priority: Too ugly to get a date.
  • Independent worker: Nobody knows what he/she does all day.
  • Forward thinking: Procrastinator.
  • Great presentation skills: Able to BS well.
  • Good communication skills: Spends lots of time on phone.
  • Loyal: Can't get a job anywhere else.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center...

... where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Pilots' Wisdom
  • Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
  • If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  • Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
  • It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
  • The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  • The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  • When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
  • A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
  • Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  • You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  • The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.
  • Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  • Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
  • Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
  • There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
  • You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
  • Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
  • If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
  • In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  • Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
  • It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  • Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
  • Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
  • The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
  • There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsburg, Md.

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A young engineer was leaving the office ...

...when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!

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You know you are in the Army when…
  • You think beer is one of the four basic food groups.
  • You pronounce "sergeant" like "sarn't" or "sar"
  • You have a difficult time coming up with sentences you have not previously heard someone else utter.
  • You think your whiny complaints are both new and insightful.
  • Your monthly paycheck is smaller than the average welfare payment.
  • Your life is lived only in the present with no thought of the future (kind of like children, dogs, and paramecium.)
  • You think marriage is a part-time job and adultery a tag-team sport.
  • You spend half of your day sitting on your bum waiting for:
    • -orders
    • -supplies and/or equipment
    • -other inconsiderate people
  • Your high-tech equipment looks like it was used against Mussolini.
  • You have nothing better to do than to gossip about and backstab your fellow soldiers.
  • You can wax and buff like a veteran janitor.
  • You were a:
    • juvenile delinquent
    • hairdresser (females only)
    • college screw up
    • small towner from Hicksville, USA
    • Marine reject
  • You can't spell or read aloud.
  • You use acronyms in a social setting.
  • Your average meal looks like it came out of the north end of a south-bound moose.
  • The thought of buying a new pair of boots makes you perspire in excitement.
  • You are able to say things like, "We must tactically maneuver these HMMWV's to the north side of the motor vehicle holding area at 0800 hours" with a straight face.
  • You compulsively walk in step with your companions.
  • You don't own any blue ink pens.
  • You think Beavis and Butthead are the funniest thing on television.
  • You give your last four before ordering your Big Mac.
  • You know every tattoo artist within a 20 mile radius by his or her first name.
  • The sight of a nifty drawing makes you itch to call the above.
  • You look at an approaching individual's collar or cap before you even glance at their face.
  • You are familiar with every product Kiwi makes.
  • You think "Hooah" might just be a real word.
  • Your boss says things like,"You will be there and have fun. That's an order."
  • You dream in OD Green.
  • You climb out of your couch and salute when they play the National Anthem on TV.
  • You spend half of your time feeling superior to civilians and the other half wishing you were one of them.

Submitted by Anna, Somewhere in Vermont!

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The Inevitable Laws of Work
  • If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
  • A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
  • Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • It doesn't matter what you do. It only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
  • After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
  • The more you put up with, the more you are going to get.
  • You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
  • Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
  • When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
  • If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.
  • There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
  • Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
  • Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
  • Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
  • More Inevitable Laws of Work
  • To err is human; to forgive is not our policy.
  • Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
  • Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
  • If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
  • You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
  • People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
  • If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  • At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
  • When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
  • Following the rules will not get the job done.
  • Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
  • When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
  • No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
  • The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

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Inspirational Office Slogans
  • If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
  • Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
  • If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
  • Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings - they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
  • A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
  • Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.
  • We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
  • Two days without a Human Rights Violation!
  • If at first you don't succeed - try management.
  • It's only unethical if you get caught.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom...

..., decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.

Submitted by Ray, King of Prussia, Pa.

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