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You Might Be a Nurse If ...
  • When using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
  • Your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
  • Everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
  • You want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
  • You can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
  • You can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
  • You use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shot glass.

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Helicopter pilot lessons learned during Vietnam but still true today.
  • Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if it was a good idea.
  • There is no such thing as a "fun" hot LZ.
  • It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
  • The engine RPM, and the rotor RPM, must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can affect the morale of the crew.
  • There are only two kinds of helicopter pilots: those that have crashed, and those who are going to.
  • Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.
  • Letters from home are not always great.
  • The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change.
  • Always remember that helicopters are different from airplanes. Helicopters are thousands of pounds of parts all flying in loose formation often in opposition to each other, and unlike airplanes, they fly by beating the air into submission.
  • Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
  • The terms "Protective Armor" and "Helicopter" are mutually exclusive terms.
  • The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.
  • Being good and lucky is not enough, there is always payback.
  • "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.
  • If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.
  • The B.S.R. (Bang, Stare, Read) Theory states that the louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.
  • The longer you stare at the gauges, the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
  • The sole purpose of our helicopters is to support our grunts. Anyone who forgets that has forgotten the mission.
  • 0No matter what you do, the bullet with your name on it will get you. So too can the ones addressed "To Whom It May Concern".
  • Gravity may not be fair, but it is the law.
  • If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
  • If you are wearing body armor, the incoming will probably miss that part.
  • It hurts less to die with a uniform on than to die in a hospital bed.
  • Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
  • If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
  • Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Visit the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time, if ever.
  • Combat pay is a flawed concept.
  • Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.
  • 0Air superiority is NOT a luxury. It is always a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at the same time.
  • Nothing is as useless as altitude above you and runway behind you.
  • While the rest of the crew may be in the same predicament, it's almost always the pilot's job to arrive at the crash site first.
  • When you shoot your weapon, clean it the first chance you get.
  • Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
  • Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations, which, in turn is better than cold C-rations, which is better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls even if they do have the little pieces of fish in them.
  • WHAT is often more important than WHY.
  • If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
  • Girlfriends are fair game. Wives are not.
  • 0Everybody's a hero on the ground in the officers club and after the fourth drink.
  • There is no such thing as a small firefight.
  • A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
  • The farther you fly into the mountains (or over water), the louder the strange engine noises become.
  • Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is a whole lot better.
  • The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.
  • Thousands of Vietnam. Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
  • In helicopters, there is no such thing as "a good vibration."
  • Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas. Any combination of these can be deadly.
  • Nomex is NOT fire proof.
  • 0There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the Rules.
  • Living and dying can both hurt a lot.
  • While a Super Bomb could be considered one of the four essential building blocks of life, powdered eggs cannot.
  • C- can make a dull day fun.
  • Cocoa Powder is neither.
  • There is no such thing as a fair fight, only ones where you win or lose.
  • If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.
  • Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing NOW to solve our problem.
  • If you have extra, share it quickly.
  • 0Always make sure someone has a P-.
  • A sucking chest wound may be God's way of telling you it's time to go home.
  • Prayer may not help but it can't hurt.
  • Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.
  • If everyone does not come home, none of the rest of us can ever fully come home.
  • Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR.
  • A grunt is the true reason for the existence of the helicopter. Every helicopter flown in Vietnam had one real purpose: To help the grunt. It is unfortunate that many helicopters never had the opportunity to fulfill their one true mission in life simply because someone forgot this fact.

Submitted by former helicopter pilot and now blacksmith Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees ...

as described by Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations

  • An applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
  • An applicant wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
  • An applicant fell and broke his arm during the interview.
  •  A candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office.
  • An applicant explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
  • A candidate said he had never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
  •  A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
  • An applicant said that if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
  • An applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
  •  A candidate brought a large dog to interview.
  • An applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed while standing up.
  • -One candidate dozed off during interview.

... their most unusual questions that have been asked by job candidates.

  • "What is it that you people do at this company?"
  • "What is the company motto?"
  • "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
  • "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
  • "Why do you want references?"
  • "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
  • "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
  • "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
  • "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
  • "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
  • "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
  • "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
  • "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "Why am I here?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Do you have a bad boss? Here's how to tell...
  • On payday, he attaches your paycheck to the ceiling fan.
  • He allows only two bathroom breaks: One at 8:30 AM and one at 4:00 PM.
  • On his personal calendar you notice "bath" only every other Tuesday.
  • You notice that every time his "wife" calls in, it's a different person.
  • You cannot have a pet rock on your desk, but he keeps his two pit bulls chained in his office.
  • On snowy days he parks his BMW in the lobby.
  • His filing system is rather unique: He uses the I Ching method.
  • His personal secretaries all come from the temp agency and are under nineteen.
  • He suddenly leaves the office when the big boss shows up.
  • On his Pagan religious holidays, he takes two days off each. You have to come in on your holidays, like Christmas and Thanksgiving.
  • He gives you fifteen minutes to rush home and vote on election day.
  • He gets all of the latest computer equipment in his office. When you touch your equipment, you get a shock.
  • He makes you contribute to all of his children's fund raisers, while he just laughs at pictures of your children in hand-me-down clothing.
  • His carpeting is worn down from the edge of the green rug all the way into the cup.
  • You are told to go downstairs and buy him the liquor for him to mix in his coffee.
  • He is always visited at lunchtime by a new "niece".
  • Your lunch break is as long as he doesn't need you. Sometimes it is ten or fifteen minutes.
  • He does not realize that you need to go home every night before you return in the morning.
  • He keeps Piranhas in his fish tank.
  • He jokes to his associates about the low salaries he pays his employees, and how he pockets the extras in his 401K plan as extra income.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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Signs that your company is going to be like Enron
  • Water faucets in the bathroom now stay on for only two seconds.
  • Paper towels are now brown instead of white.
  • Cafeteria is offering crackers and milk as an entree.
  • Locks on the upper floor windows are welded shut.
  • Annual company picnic is replaced by coupon for McDonalds.
  • All of the senior management voicemail have busy signals.
  • You have to pay the meter to use the employee parking lot.
  • Pension plan is replaced by lottery tickets.
  • Company main phone number becomes unlisted.
  • Recovery crews are always dredging the river next to the building.
  • All of the senior management have new Mercedes.
  • Bushes in front of the building replaced by barbed wire fencing.
  • Your firm hires a "company spokesman".
  • No one knows which city the CEO is staying in these days.
  • Company buys more stomach medicine than they do pens.
  • Company tries to change its name three times in the same year.
  • They hire security forces for upcoming shareholders meeting.
  • The same congressman who dedicated your building is now investigating it.
  • There are more anonymous names on the board of directors than those who are known.
  • Your paycheck is postdated a year.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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Job Hunterís Blues
  • You realize that the Employment Staffing rep is young enough to be your grandsonóin fact, he is your grandson!
  • He wanted your resume type with MS Word. You typed it instead on an Olivetti.
  • The last time you were looking for a job, you wanted customer service. Today itís called a Facilitation Engineer II.
  • You arrive at the meeting at the agency in a neatly blue suit with stripes and a power tie. Your job agent meets you in Dockers, flip-flops, and a tee shirt with an energy drink logo on the front called "MachoPowerSlurpeeAid."
  • In the old days, a husband/wife team ran your employment agency with twenty years experience looking for positions from companies like R.J. Ruckers and Sons. Today your employment Service/staffing group is on a top floor of the Chrysler Building and they own R.J. Ruckers and Sons.
  • Your old agency had people running it who were involved in business for fifteen years or more. Todayís agency employs people to think that they know more than you do and just graduated from DeVry Tech with a degree in "general knowledge."
  • You know that you are in trouble when each of the jobs you were at previously were giants in the industry but do not exist any longer. Their records were bought by a illicit company that just wants your identity information and social security number.
  • You are invited to a group meeting of a large prospective employer. You are then given a five-minute speech about the company, photographed and fingerprinted and told to go through door one, two or three. One is to an employment office. Two is to the cafeteria. Three is toward the parking lot through the boiler room.
  • Upon reaching the agency, you are told to go down a long hallway. Each office on both sides of you can be heard shrieks, blaring music and obscenities. If you can make it to the door at the end of the hall, they know that you can handle stress. If you start shrieking, swearing and singing, you failed. Then you realize that the sounds came from local televisions set up along the wall.
  • You misunderstood the man on the phone and come job hunting with a pith helmet and a shotgun. He hires you immediately because of your creative thinking

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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You Work in Corporate America If...
  • You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
  • Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
  • Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
  • Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.
  • You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.
  • When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
  • You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
  • You learn about your layoff on CNN.
  • Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
  • You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
  • Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
  • You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
  • It's dark when you drive to and from work.
  • Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
  • Communication is something your group is having problems with.
  • You see a good looking person and know they're a visitor.
  • Free food left over from meetings is your main staple of your diet.
  • Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.
  • Art involves a white board.
  • You're already late on the assignment you just got.

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

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21 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work
  1. have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
  2. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word.
  3. 1 see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  4. Ahh, I see the screw up fairy has visited again.
  5. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  6. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  7. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  8. Someday well look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
  9. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  10. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet its hard to pronounce.
  11. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  12. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  13. What am I? Flypaper for geeks?
  14. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 
  15. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
  16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  17. It's a thankless job, but I've got Karma to burn off.
  18. No, my powers can be used only for good.
  19. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
  20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
  21. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Excerpts from real British Military writes Officer Fitness Reports.

The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

  • His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
  • I would not breed from this Officer.
  • This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
  • When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
  • He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
  • He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
  • Technically sound, but socially impossible.
  • This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
  • This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
  • When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
  • Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
  • She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
  • This Officer should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
  • In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
  • The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
  • This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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You know you work for a company from hell when their policy for...

Dress Code - It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days - We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days - Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave - This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use - Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break - Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

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Military Aviator Heaven
  • Everybody's a lieutenant , except God. He's a General or Admiral (as the mood strikes him!)
  • You only come to work when you're going to fly.
  • You fly three times a day, if you wish, except on Friday.
  • You never run out of fuel.
  • You never run out of ammo.
  • Your missions are one hour long (or longer if you desire) and no briefings are ever required.
  • Sorties are air-to-air or air-to-ground, your choice.
  • You shoot the gun on every mission.
  • There are no check rides.
  • It is always VFR, and there are never any ATC delays.
  • You can fly out of the MOA and down to 10 feet AGL, if you want.
  • There are no "over G's."
  • The airplanes never break.
  • Never any Fatals.... I mean..... you're already there!
  • There are never any duty officer assignments.
  • You always fly overhead landing patterns with initial approach at 20 feet, then break left.
  • You can go cross-country anytime you desire... the further the better.
  • There are no ORI /UEIs.
  • There are no flight surgeons.
  • There are no Staff Jobs.
  • There are no additional duties.
  • Friday Happy Hour is mandatory.
  • "Happy Hour" begins at 1400 hours and lasts until 0200+ hours.
  • The bartenders are all big bosomed friendly blondes.
  • Beer is free, but whiskey costs a nickel.
  • The bar serves only Chivas Regal, Jack Daniels and Beefeaters... plus 500 kinds of beer.
  • The Girls are all friendly and each Aviator is allowed three.
  • Country and Western music is free on the jukebox.
  • You never lose your room key and your buddies never leave you stranded.
  • The sun always shines, and you can put your hat in your pants pocket.
  • Flight Suits are allowed in the O Club at all times.
  • The BX always has every item you ask for, most being free.
  • There are never any crosswind landings, and the runways are always dry.
  • Control tower flybys for wheels-up checks can be made at 600 kts.
  • There are never any noise complaints.
  • Full afterburner climbs over your house are encouraged.
  • Fitness reports always contain the statement, "Outstanding Officer."
  • Functions requiring mess dress never occur.
  • All air traffic controllers are friendly and always provide priority handling.
  • "ACE" status is conferred upon all Aviators entering Heaven.


  • You Never Have To Grow Up!

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Dear staff,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown Of economy since last Christmas, Management decided to implement a Scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This Scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be Eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW Scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount Of SHIT it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your Supervisors. They have been trained to give you All the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely, Management

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

Go to page 17 of Work Jokes

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