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The Procrastinator's Creed
  • I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
  • I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3
  • I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
  • I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
  • I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
  • I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
  • I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.
  • If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
  • I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
  • I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
  • I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
  • I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
  • I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
  • I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

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Best out of office Auto replies
  • I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
  • You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
  • I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
  • Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged 5.99 for the first ten words and 1.99 for each additional word in your message.
  • The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
  • Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
  •  I've run away to join a different circus.

And, Finally, this One Takes the Cake:

  • I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

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Signs That You Are Bored at the office
  • You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2000.
  • You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
  • You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
  • You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.
  • People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
  • No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.
  • You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.
  •  The 4th Division of Paper clips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

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Sayings you'd like to see on office inspirational posters
  • If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
  • Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
  • If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
  • Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
  • A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat.
  • Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here....
  • We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
  • 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
  • If at first you don't succeed -- try management.
  • It's only unethical if you get caught.
  • Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
  • Never quit until you have another job.
  • Work harder slaves!
  • The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  • If you can read this, you're not working!
  • Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
  • Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
  • Pride, commitment, teamwork -- words we use to get you to work for free.
  • Succeed in spite of management.
  • Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
  • There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

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Stages of an employee

Ratings: Neophyte - Comes to work on time. Leaves a little early. Takes long lunches off site. Majority of life is still outside of work. Has no real responsibility. Happy to do any task, like cleaning crumbs out of your keyboard. Cannot believe s/he is getting paid so much to talk to college buddies on the phone and surf the Internet all day. Life is great!

Entry Level - Arrives and leaves on time. Feels important when boss asks him/her to work late and does so without hesitation. Brags to friends, "I chose the typeface for the IBM presentation". Considers a $25 bonus as indicator of undying company loyalty. Eats at desk on occasion. Life is pretty good.

Worker - Leaves late occasionally. Never calls in sick just to take the day off anymore. Is entirely responsible for meaningless projects, like changing "Systems Group" to "Technology Group" in all company documentation. Still comes into work with hangovers. Personal life is unknowingly vanishing. Is excited by a tiny raise and small promotion. Life is good.

Employee - Arrives early on occasion. Leaves late fairly often. Eats lunch at desk every day. Only has 1 or 2 remaining friends outside of work. Is actually responsible for real work that, if screwed up, will not damage the company significantly. Still has time to use company perks like hockey tickets. Life is OK.

Level 2 - Arrives early. Usually the last one to leave. Life is consumed by reports containing meaningless blocks of numbers. Derives all self-esteem from company and superiors' approbation. Spends entire paycheck on objects that elevate status and image. Is totally immersed in work and loves it. Can do nothing but collapse in front of the TV to watch 90210 the few hours s/he is home. Life is stressful.

Level 3 - Same as Level 2 except their work actually affects the success of the firm. Doesn't enjoy work anymore even though the salary is obscene and it keeps them away from their spouse all day. Considers quitting, but has large mortgage payment and doesn't want to give up the wide screen TV. Doesn't know what to do on a day off. Life is hell.

Manager - Tells other people what to do. Loves the power. Has to continually prove worthiness to managers up the food chain. Always works late in order to do the real work that can't be done during the day. Has 5 times as many business outfits as friends. Home life starts to break down. Life is stressful.

Middle Manager - Spends all day describing things with buzzwords. Considers key employees, pens, and contents of recycling bin as resources. Still works late, but only for a conference or client. Sometimes in winter, sees the sun after it rises or before it sets, unlike Level 2s, 3s, and managers. Has no friends or home life. Life is OK.

Upper Manager - Likes looking at reports and talking at meetings. Usually leaves work on time, except when leaving early to play golf with other Upper Managers. Hardly ever needs to brown nose anyone anymore. No longer owns jeans. Cannot remember ever taking public transportation. Life is good.

Executive - Despite having vast riches and grown children, chooses to come to work because it's fun. Says things like, "We need more market penetration in Liberia" and over the next few months, it happens. If it doesn't, the executive must do even more work by saying, "Why don't we have market penetration in Liberia?" Magically, it happens and executive is called a visionary. Life is great!

Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.
 

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Actual Wall Mart Job Application ...

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Submitted by Earl, Fredrick , Md.
 

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Activities for the Inventive Receptionist
  • When everyone is at lunch, turn off every computer screen and put a post it note in the middle reading 'This screen has developed an electrical fault. Do NOT attempt to turn it on.'
  • Place a number of red rosebuds on the leaves of the reception areas green plant. When anyone asks, tell them it's been genetically engineered.
  • Put a sign on all restroom doors: 'Occupied until further notice.'
  • Balance a telephone directory on the partition between offices and remove all others. If anyone complains, tell them it's to promote sharing and protect trees.
  • Place a sign on the office refrigerator: 'The food in this refrigerator may be contaminated.'
  • Hang a large cardboard sign on the wall of the sales office reading 'So you want to travel? See new places, meet new and exciting people? Make new contacts, face new challenges? All this with our blessing? To find out how, turn sign over.
  • On the reverse write Just screw up one more time.
  • Hang a model airplane on a long spring from one corner of the reception ceiling, pin a notice to the plane 'for the use of visitors only'
  • Put 20 drops of cochineal coloring in the water cooler bottle, paste a note to the front 'The contents of this cooler have been sanitized.'

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
 

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Pranks at the Office Take 2:
  • Staple every unimportant paper on their desk together.
  • If your target has a computer, reposition the monitor everyday.
  • Fill an empty white out bottle with milk and replace it with your co-workers.
  • If computer has speakers turn the volume all way up or way down depending on your mood.
  • Taping down the switch hook buttons on a phone gets some interesting reactions. When the mark answers the phone keeps ringing.
  • Program the mark's phone to forward to the office paging system -Ask, "ARE YOU GETTING FIRED? WELL, THAT'S THE RUMOR."
  • Does your coworker have fish in the office? Take the fish and leave a ransom note.
  • Pull the labeled buttons off of their phone and rearrange the order and put them back on their phone. When they come back, call them from your desk and watch them struggle to answer.
  • Put transparent tape over the read out of a calculator. It makes the numbers blurry.
  • By a package of approximately 200 of those little paper bathroom cups and neatly arrange them all over the subjects desk. Then staple them all together and fill them with water. See how long it takes them to figure out how to get rid of this set-up without spilling water all over their paperwork, files, computer, etc...
  • Does somebody smoke at work when they're not supposed to? Put Ambesol on the filter of their cigarettes. Watch as their lips and mouth go numb when they light up!
  • Get Valerian Root capsules (at health food stores) and when co-worker is away from desk, take his phone apart and open a capsule or two of Valerian Root in the mouthpiece then replace. Guaranteed to smell terrible!
  • At lunch, swap the worker's real food with look-a-like dog toys.
  • If someone is applying for a job, call them back and leave a wrong number. They go crazy for a while until you call them back apologizing.
  • Take some cellophane and open up the glue bottle. Put the cellophane across the opening, then close the bottle. Watch the victim try to squeeze glue out. They either open it up to check, or they squeeze to hard, breaking the cellophane and spraying glue everywhere.

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Office work dull? None of your colleagues appreciate your humor?

Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution.

One Point Gags

  • Run one lap around the office at top speed
  • Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no Player' must be in the bathroom at the time)
  • Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
  • Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
  • To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
  • When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
  • Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
  • Walk sideways to the photocopier.
  • While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three Point Gags

  • Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
  • Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
  • Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
  • Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five Point Gags

  • At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
  • Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
  • For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
  • Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
  • After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
  • While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
  • In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and utter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
  • At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
  • In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
  • Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
  • Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
  • Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
  • Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
  • Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
  • Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
  • Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
  • Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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