My Little Sister's Jokes > List of Jokes About Sports > Set: 1, 2, 3

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Funny but Dumb Quotes From the World of Sports
  • "I'm rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?" - Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players' union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.
  • "I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf." - Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
  • "There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, 'You never know.'" - Pitcher Joaquin Andujar
  • "He's the about the size of a lot of guys that size." - Offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, on QB Cade McNown
  • "It's almost like we have ESPN." - Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together
  • "Tom." - Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966
  • "Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good." - Tom Watt, ex- Maple Leaves coach (his team was not so good)
  • "I'm glad you're doing this story on us and not on the WNBA. We're so much prettier than all the other women in sports." - Martina Hingis in Detour Magazine, 3/98 issue.
  • "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota, 1996.
  • "He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual, too." - Don King, boxing promoter.
  • "Then I was skinnier. I hit it better, I putted better, and I could see better. Other than that, everything is the same." - PGA Senior Tour player Homero Blancas.
  • "It's basically the same, just darker." - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, 1991
  • "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." - Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Football - got to be the same the world over.

It doesn't matter what its called, the fans - the barrackers - are as one-eyed and partisan to their team, whether it's played in Iceland or Idaho, Melbourne or Montana.

A country game was once being played with more vigour than skill, and the umpiring was not up to the task of keeping order. After the game everyone returned to the pub for some needed repairs and refreshment. An old guy from the city was sitting on a stool in the bar drinking, and when one of the hard-bitten spectators sat down on the stool next to him, he asked, "How was the footy?"

"She's flourishin', mate, just flourishin'. Cripes, we had a great game today. There was blood, skin, hair and tobacco juice flyin' right from the word go! Plenty of broken ribs, arms, collarbones, even two busted legs. Gawd knows how many smashed in teeth, bloodied noses and black eyes!"

He paused to empty his glass, then said reflectively, "They tell me a couple of the players got hurt too."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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This is why "Sports Scholarship" is an oxymoron . . .
  • "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"  - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
  • "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." - Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
  • "You guys line up alphabetically by height" - Bill Peterson, a Florida State footballl coach
  • "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." - Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements
  • "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"  - George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
  • "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." - Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King
  • "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." - Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece 
  • "The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore." -ogi Berra
  • "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." - Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
  • "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

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A husband booked a round of golf for his wife and himself on a trip ...

... to famous old St. Andrews golf links.

On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar ... you cheat, you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!"

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar ...

... the groom was standing there  with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?

He looked her right in the eye .... and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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For all you Philadelphia Eagles fans ...

Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Philadelphia Eagles.

Q: What do the Philadelphia Eagles and Billy Graham have in common?
A: The both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: How do you keep a Philadelphia Eagle out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Philadelphia in case of a tornado?
A: To the Linc - they never have a touchdown there!

Q: What do you call a Philadelphia Eagle with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

Q: Why doesn't Camden have a professional football team?
A: Because then Philadelphia would want one.

Q: Why was Andy Reid upset when the Philadelphia Eagles play book was stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q: What's the difference between the Philadelphia Eagles and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q. Philadelphia Eagles does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out.

Q: What do the Philadelphia Eagles and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road !

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his  ball into a clump of trees.

 He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree,  bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked  "Are you a good golfer', to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl...

As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible! But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA

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How Cold Is It Per New England Standards?
  • 60 F - Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats. New Englanders sunbathe.
  • 50 F - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. New Englanders plant gardens and drive around w/ the car windows down and radios turned up.
  • 20 F - Californians shiver uncontrollably. New Englanders have the last cookout before it gets cold.
  • 15 F - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. New Englanders throw on a "sweatah."
  • 0 F - Californians fly away to Mexico. New Englanders take in the flag.
  • -20 F - People in Miami cease to exist. New Englanders get out winter coats.
  • -100 F - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. New Englanders are frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
  • -460 F - Atomic motion stops. New Englanders ask: "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
  • -500 F - Hell freezes over. The Boston Red Sox win the World Series

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On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a Black & Silver Raiderís jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Denver Bronco's jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks' side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Raider fan from the water. Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat. Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

  • "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he said. "I have been told about there being bad blood between Broncos and Raider's but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
  • As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"
  • "It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
  • "Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know jack about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another one?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD

Go to set: 1, 2, 3

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