My Little Sister's Jokes > List of Jokes About Sports > Set: 1, 2, 3

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A guy from Philadelphia dies and is sent to Hell.

He had been a horrible man his entire life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity. After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Philadelphian is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

The Philadelphian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Philadelphia. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Philadelphian's remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Philadelphian is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

The Philadelphian replies, "This is great! Just like April in Philadelphia. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the Philadelphian suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the Philadelphian unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is again aghast at what he sees. The Philadelphian is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil.

Jumping up and down the Philadelphian throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over!! This means the Eagles won the SuperBowl !!

Submitted by Meghan, Emmitsburg, PA
 

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Top Ten Comments Made by Sports Commentators...
  1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
  2. Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
  3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
  4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, specially my mother and father."
  5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
  6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
  7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
  8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
  9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
  10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, MD
 

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. 'He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.  You are truly a kind man.''

The friend replies: ''Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.''

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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What's the difference between the Eagles and the Taliban?

A. The Taliban has a running game.

Q. What do the Eagles and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q. How do you keep an Eagles player out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts.

Q. Where do you go in Philly in case of a tornado?
A. Veterans Stadium- they rarely get a touchdown there.

Q. Why doesn't Harrisburg have one of those exciting NFL teams?
A. Because Philly would want one.

Q. Why was Andy Reid upset when the Eagles playbook was stolen?
A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q. What's the difference between the Eagles and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. What do you call 53 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Philadelphia Eagles

Q. What do the Eagles and possums have in common?
A. They both play dead.

Q. How can you tell when the Eagles are going to run the ball?
A. Duce leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.

Submitted by my brother Bill, former Eagles fan, Narberth, just outside of Philadelphia
 

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College Football Humor ...
  • What does the average Florida State player get on his SATs? Drool.
  • What do you get when you put 8 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.
  • How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room? Grease her hips and push.
  • How do you get a Colorado graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
  • Why do the Texas Tech cheerleaders wear bibs? To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
  • Why is the Baylor football team like a possum? Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
  • What are the longest three years of an Oklahoma football player's life? His freshman year.
  • How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? None ....That's a sophomore course.
  • Where was OJ headed in the white Bronco? Lexington, Kentucky. He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
  • Why did Texas choose orange as their team color? You can wear it for the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

Submitted by Bo, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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A 90-year old couple were crazy about golf.

He would hit the ball a good distance, bit almost always with a wicked slice. She, on the other hand, hit the ball straight as an arrow, but only about 20 yards at a time.

One day on their course he sliced his drive in to the woods. His Caddy found the ball, right behind an old abandoned barn. The old duffer said, "Well, I'll just chip back to the fairway and go from there", to which his young caddy says, "NO!! I'll open the front and back doors of the barn, you can drive it through, you land on the green, you 2-putt and you save par."

The man looks askance at his caddy and says, "Lookit, sonny, Tiger Woods wouldn't make that shot. What makes you think I can?"

"What have you got to lose?", asks the caddy. So, the fellow agrees. The caddy opens up the barn doors and hands him the correct club. The old guy lines up his shot, and strikes the ball as solidly as possible. The ball goes in to the barn, rattles off a couple of walls, shoots out a side window back toward the fairway, hits his wife on the temple and kills her instantly.

Next day, after the funeral, the guy goes to the same course for a round of golf. He has the same caddy. On the same hole where he'd killed his wife he hits his tee shot to almost the identical spot. His caddy finds the ball and suggests that he drive it through the barn, land on the green, 2-putt and save par.

The old man looks at the caddy and says, "Now sonny, the last time you gave me that advice, things didn't work out so good. As I recall, I took a seven."

Submitted by Bus, Sidney, British Columbia
 

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Golf is growing in popularity and people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV.

The following truisms may shed light on reasons why:

  • Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.
  • Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.
  • Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
  • Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.
  • Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.
  • When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up.
  • The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two.
  • In golf, you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season.
  • Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans.
  • Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
  • Golf doesn't have free agency.
  • In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime
  • Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
  • At a golf tournament, you will not hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

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A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. 

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the damn putt, didn't you?"

Submitted by Sister Wink, The Bronx, NY

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A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. 

One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly.

Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

Submitted by Bryan, Idaho Falls, Id.
  

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A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said . . .

. . ., "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.  So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
  

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Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by an occasional miracle.
  • The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil (Chi Chi Rodriguez)
  • If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball Jack Lemmon)
  • To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
  • Some golfers believe "overclubbing" can be corrected by "overlooking" or "undercounting" and , when using a caddie, by "overtipping".
  • Tee your ball high....air offers less resistance than dirt (Jack Nickl)
  • The term "Mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again!"
  • A "gimmie" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.
  • An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
  • The members who command the best service at your golf club either have the lowest handicaps or the highest bar bills.
  • Golf is an awkward set of body contractions designed to produce a graceful result (Tommy Armour)
  • If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf. See a counselor.
  • Why is it twice as hard to hit a ball over water and sand ?
  • The trees taunt you, the sand mocks you, the water calls your name....and they say golf is a quiet game.
  • The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you (Phyllis Diller)
  • Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice and shank it, hit into all traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all, you really stink. (Bob Hope)
  • Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him. The smart golfer throws his club ahead of him so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole.
  • If you have lost more than four balls on any given hole, for safety reasons, let your partner drive the cart.
  • Golf's three ugliest words: "still your shot".
  • He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie (Mickey Mantle).
  • Golf is like marriage: if you take yourself too seriously it won't work. And both are expensive.

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A man and woman are standing at the altar, waiting to be married . . .

. . . when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees a set of golf clubs standing next to him.  "What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs?" she whispers.

"Well," he says, "this won't take all afternoon will it?"
  

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Things Caddies want to say, but never will . . .

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I doubt it, that would be too much of a coincidence"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy:" Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer:" Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: " Eventually."

Golfer: " This is the worst course I've ever played on!"
Caddy:" This isn't the golf course sir! We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: " Well Caddy, how do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very Good, Sir! But personally I prefer golf."

Golfer:" Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy:" Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

Golfer:" Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy."
Caddy: " This isn't my watch, Sir! Itís a compass!"

Golfer: " Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday ?"
Caddy: " The way you play, Sir, itís a crime any day of the week."

Golfer:" Golf is a funny game."
Caddy:" It's not supposed to be."

Golfer:" That can't be my ball, it looks far too old."
Caddy: " It's a been a long time since we started, sir."

Submitted by Jon, Miamisburg, Oh.
 

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One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island . . .

. . . all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

The approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years" replies the stunned man.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag and says, "Man oh man! Is that ever good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies: "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes the guy falls to his knees and says.

"Oh sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
  

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Die-Hard Football Fans Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon . . .

. . . a Cowboys fan, a Packers fan, a Browns fan, and a Steelers fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most "die-hard" fan.

Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Cowboys fan proclaimed to the other four... "This is for the Dallas Cowboys!" and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice.

Not to be outdone by a Cowboys fan, the Packers fan jumped up and said..."This is for the Green Bay Packers!" and then threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice.

Refusing to be outdone by the Cowboy and Packer fans, the Steelers fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs "This is for the Pittsburgh Steelers!" and without any hesitation, pushed the Cleveland Browns fan off the mountain.

Submitted by Ernie, Houston, Tx.
  

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Insight full quotes from those we pay millions too
  • Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
  • New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, which ever comes first."
  • And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say" I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
  • Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
  • Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Cost as why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."
  • Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
  • Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up, alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three then line up in a circle."
  • Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was in eligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
  • Boxing promoter Dan Duv a on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
  • Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes."
  • Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
  • Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships:" I've won at every level, except college and pro."
  • Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
  • Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)
  • Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)
  • Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)
  • Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)
  • Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."(1981)
  • Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)
  • Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)
  • Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
  • Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."(1996)
  • Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)
  • Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)
  • Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

Go to set: 1, 2, 3

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