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Announcements that actually appeared in various church bulletins:
  • Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
  • Thursday night-Potluck supper. Prayer and medication will follow.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. & Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South & North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  • Tuesday at 4:00pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  • This Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Sunday.
  • A bean supper will be held Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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An great short anthology of Religious two liners 
  • A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
  • I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
  • One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but, were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
  • And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
  • A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
  • A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
  • The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
  • Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
  • A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait. Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
  • A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
  • After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
  • A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
  • At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife....!"

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A Catholic man dies and goes to heaven  . . .

. . . When he gets there, the attendant says, welcome, you'll be in room 21, but be very quiet when you walk past room 8.

A rabbi dies and goes to heaven, and the attendant greets him and says, welcome, you'll be in room 22, but be very quiet when you walk past room 8.

A Buddhist nun dies and goes to heaven and the attendant greets her and says, welcome, you'll be in room 23, but be very quiet when you walk past room 8.

The three of them happen to meet, and they're all wondering about room 8 when they see the attendant walk by. They grab him, he asks them how they're doing, and they say, oh, we're all very happy here, but we were wondering about room 8 and why we had to be so quiet when we went past it.

The attendant says, oh, those are the Mormons, they think they're the only ones here.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.

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Dear Dr. Laura . . .

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. However, I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.

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A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd

The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate ... but..."

The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?!"

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service down by the river on a Sunday afternoon . . .

. . .  He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister.  The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, 'Mister are you ready to find Jesus?" 

The drunk looks back and says, 'Yes sir, I am." 

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.  "Have you found Jesus?' the Minister asked.  

'No, I didn't!' said the drunk. 

The Minister then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, 'Now brother, have you found Jesus?'

 "No, I did not!' said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, 'For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!?!  

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.

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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions . . .

. . . so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. 

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,' and 'I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things. 

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "Cool Man!  What happened next?"

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The young priest was so afraid at his first mass that he could hardly speak . . .

Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the monsignor, "How can I relax?"

The monsignor, a veteran of his work, said, "My son, this Sunday it might help if you put a martini in the water pitcher instead of water. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." Sunday came and the young priest did as the monsignor suggested. He believed everything went very well. 

After the sermon, the young priest asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "Just fine, except you should remember the following before addressing the congregation again: 

  • Next time, sip the martini rather than gulping it down. 
  • There are 10 Commandments, not 12. 
  • There are 12 disciples, not 10. 
  • David 'slew' Goliath, he didn't 'kick the shit out of him.' 
  • We don't refer to the Cross as the 'Big T.' 
  • We don't refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his Disciples as 'J.C. and the boys.' 
  • We don't refer to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit as the 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.' 
  • Next Sunday, there is a taffy-pulling contest at Saint Peters, not a 'peter-pulling contest at Saint Taffy's.' 
  • The idea of a drive-in confessional is excellent, but the sign, 'Toot-n-Tell or Go to Hell' has to go. 
  • Last, but not least, we say The Virgin Mary, not the 'Mary with the Cherry.'"

Submitted by Tim, at Nuclear Power Plant, somewhere in Ohio

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Bran Muffins

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in especially good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.  As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this  was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!"  Peter replied.

"Well, where are the high fiber, low fat, and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said,

"You and your -------' bran muffins!! I could have been here ten years ago!"

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Drawing God

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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Catholic Schools

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic school. 

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room & started studying. Books & papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. 

This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an "A" in math. 

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

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The Rabbi and the Pope 

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'forget it'.

Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"

"And then?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."

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