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Redneck Valentine Card

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
 and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.


Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Comments overheard at a Redneck Bridge match ...

(I know - Rednecks playing bridge is an oxymoron!)

  • Son, you'd need a bodyguard in church.
  • Shakespeare said it, sister. That's a double you see before you.
  • Honey, why don't we get together afterwards 'n count our points?
  • "Hey, big boy, what's that you got in yer pocket?"
  • "That, ma'am, is ma jump overcall."
  • Man, you aint in the pass-out seat, you're in the plain unconscious seat.
  • That hand'd look no good after 5 drinks with the lights out.
  • Course I drink and play. Gotta give y'all an advantage somehow.
  • Y' caint fool me, honey, I know where your hearts is.
  • Say, sweetie, you squirm in bed like that too?
  • Son, you double us again we'll take up a collection for y'
  • That king a spades smells so bad he caint a had a wash in a while.
  • Ya always play like there's 53 cards in the deck, ma'am.
  • You all come to this table, you count your blessings, not y' points
  • Honey, y' don' wanna watch the slaughter, y' go an' see if there's a cold four-pack.
  • Easier than brandin' a load a chickens.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Redneck Pickup Lines
  • Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
  • Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
  • My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
  • Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
  • Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.
  • If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
  • You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
  • Man - "Fat Penguin!"
    Woman - "WHAT?"
    Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
  • I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
  • I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
  • Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

and.... the best for last!

  • If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

Submitted by Ashley, Emmitsburg, Pa.

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There were two good ol' boys from the South who love to fish ...

... and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks." The fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."

Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.

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You might be a Redneck if ...
  • Your kids call your sister mom
  • The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
  • You let your twelve year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
  • Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
  • You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws:
  • You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
  • You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
  • You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  • Anyone in your family ever die right after saying "Hey, ya'll watch this!"
  • You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.
  • You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
  • Your wife's hairdo was once mined by a ceiling fan.
  • You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
  • Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Day care.
  • You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
  • You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
  • You take a six-pack cooler to church.
  • You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
  • The blue book value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
  • One of your kids was born on a pool table.
  • Your dad calls you "Chip" and walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
  • Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
  • You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
  • You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
  • Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
  • Your toilet paper has page numbers on it
  • If you can smash a beer can on your imaginary friend's forehead, and it works.
  • If you think the nutcracker is some thing you did off the high dive!
  • If you leave beer & pickled eggs for Santa.
  • If you have ever spelled some thing wrong you wrote out in Christmas lights.
  • If you go up a water tower with a can of paint to protect your sister.
  • If you carry a shotgun in the back seat of your truck!

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You might be a Redneck If...
  • Your wife can't fix you dinner because she has cheerleading practice.
  • You take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner
  • You ever get hot flashes at cattle auctions
  • You have ever financed a tattoo
  • Slamming the door on your truck creates an instant sunroof.
  • You paint your car with house paint
  • Steeling road signs is a family outing.
  • Your side by side refrigerator consist of two igloo coolers
  • Some offers you a silver plate and you pull off you belt buckle and say "no thanks, I've already got one"
  • You've ever yelled out the window "KIDS!! STOP PLAYIN' ON THAT SHEET METAL!'
  • Your child's first pet was a chicken
  • You think God looks like Hank Williams, Jr.
  • You have more guns than teeth
  • Your baby's first words were "Attention, KMart shoppers"
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs
  • You use your belt buckle as identification
  • Your belt buckle is bigger than your head
  • Your family tree doesn't fork
  • You consider dating second cousins 'playing the field'
  • You've ever used your fishing license as a form of identification
  • You missed your graduation because your kids were sick
  • You refer to fifth grade as "My senior year"
  • Somebody yells "Hoe down!" and your wife hits the floor
  • The highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut
  • You go to your sister's wedding so you can kiss the bride
  • Your family reunion was ruined 'cause your daddy burnt the Spam
  • You go fishing with a generator and a piece of copper wire
  • Fancy eating out (for you) involves drivin' to the next window

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.  To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. In a desperate hope to solve the problem, the Zoo Keeper approached a local redneck, Bobby Lee with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last, Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A big Texan saw Billy Bob standing next to a big horse

This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Bill Bob, "Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want."

Billy Bob says, "O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days."

"Hey, Boy," says the Texan, "Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine."

"I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im," says Billy Bob.

The Texan is getting angry now. "Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now."

"Oh well," says Billy Bob, "Two-thousand of your American dollars then."

"Deal!" says the Texan and he hands over the money, Bill Bob unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.

The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Billy Bob and says, "Hey, Boy, you a durned swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!"

Billy Bob just shrugged his shoulders and said "I keep tellin' you he don't look too good!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, Where? Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, PA.

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Two Texans, Bubba and Elmer were in the two holer doing their dody.

Bubba finished and as he was pulling up his pants a nickel fell out of his pocket and went right down the hole. Bubba started a cussing and a fussing and he pulled out all his change and threw it down the hole, pulled out his wallet and threw it down the hole, took off his shoes and pants, down they went, his shirt, sox and underwear followed.

Elmer sat there dumbfounded watching Bubba pitch a fit and finally asked Bubba? What in tarnation ya doin? Bubba??

Bubba just looked at Elmer and said. "Welll ya'll don't think I'm going down there after just one nickel does ya??

Submitted by Val, somewhere in Minnesota

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Three Rednecks were working on the new high-rise tower ...

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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The positive values of rednecks ...

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those.

  • You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."
  • You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
  • You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
  • You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
  • You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
  • You might be a redneck if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
  • You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag.
  • You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
  • You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
  • You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Bubba was trying to attract the girls on the beach ...

... but just couldn't make it with of them, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.

"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato ~ and it's worse than before! Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So Bubba goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him "What's wrong now?"

"Grab a brain, man!" says the lifeguard "The potato goes in front!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Redneck wedding preparation guidelines:


It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).


Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you ain't doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and Jennifer's having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our weddin'."

Proper attire:

For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big "they" are.

For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, consider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearance. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

The ceremony:

No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony..." tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much.


Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car. 

When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!

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Excerpts from the West Virginia Vocabulary Book
  • Foreclose: If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose.
  • Rectum: I had two Lexus coups, but my old lady rectum.
  • Hotel: I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody.
  • Disappointment: My parole officer told me that if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house.
  • Israel: Alozono tried to sell me a Rolex watch. I said man this looks fake. He said what a joke that watch Israel.
  • Catacomb: Don King was at the fight the other night, somebody should get that catacomb.
  • Undermine: There is a fine looking chick living in the apartment undermine.
  • Acoustic: When I was 11 my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.
  • Iraq: When we got to the pool hall I told my uncle you break Iraq.
  • Stain: My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her do you plan on stain for dinner?
  • Seldom: Darnell gave me two tickets to the game, and I want to seldom.
  • Odyssey: I told my brother you odyssey the tits on that hoe.
  • Horde: My sister got in trouble because she horde around.
  • Tripoli: My 'ol lady wanted a bra for her birthday but I couldn't find a Tripoli.
  • Fortify: I axed the ho how much and she said fortify. is the price honey
  • Income: I just got in bed with Lois and income my wife.

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

Go to page 8 of Redneck Jokes 

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