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The Difference Between Liberals, Conservatives and Texans

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer:


Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of reloading).

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..." BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Dick, Willaimsport, MD

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Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. I have some Southern folks up here in Heaven who are causing some problems ...

They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones are all over the streets of gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair! The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call Lucifer."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Oh, hold on!" The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there." The Devil said, "Wait one minute!" and puts the Lord on Hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back again. Now, what was the question?"

The Lord said, "I said, what kind of problems are you having down there?".

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... hold on........., Lord"!!!! This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Southerners done put the fire out, and are trying to install air conditioning!"

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Ma and Pa were two hillbillies. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.

So he went into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!

Off goes the first stick of dynamite ... shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.

WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole..... Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"

As she pulls up her pants she says ... "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Somewhere in the deep south Bubba called an attorney and asked ...

..., "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, that's true." answered the lawyer.

"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries--is that true, mister lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"

'Cause I was thinkin'--maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been dating ..."

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Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption ...

... and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

  • Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip reens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
  • Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
  • Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
  • All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
  • All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
  • Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
  • Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
  • Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
  • No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
  • A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
  • Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger"can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in"that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
  • Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and whenwe're "in line," we talk to everybody!
  • Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
  • True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
  • True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
  • Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
  • When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
  • Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
  • A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of friends, you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.
  • And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx

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Questions on the redneck engineers license exam ...
  • Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
  • Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO.
  • If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
  • A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?
  • If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
  • A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
  • A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
  • A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic on secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
  • A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
  • At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

Submitted By Lisa, Libertytown, Md.

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A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to his kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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In the back woods of Tennessee, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be at lantern and said,

"Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl.

"No, no don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,

"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Submitted by Debbie, Frederick, Md.

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A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.

As the night went by no cars passed him. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop..

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, and one said to the other. "Look Bubba, that's the jerk who climbed into the car while we were pushing."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. 

He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?". The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Hillbilly from Eastern Kentucky. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thang, hows about getting me a cold glass of Coke!". He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy over there?". The waitress nodded so the Hillbilly said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke too.

As Jesus got up to leave He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The English man felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Hillbilly. The Hillbilly jumps up and yells, "Hey man don't touch me ...... I'm drawing disability!!!!!"

Submitted by Ericka, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you".

Submitted by Stan, Fairfield, Pa.

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Yesterday President Bush recruited an elite group from the Texas Special Forces.

These men will be sent to Afghanistan to root out the last of the Taliban and Al Qaeda.

Tomorrow, Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter and Cooter will leave with the following instructions:

  1. There is no limit.
  2. The season opened last Saturday.
  3. They taste like chicken.
  4. They don't like pickup trucks, country music, good looking women, or Jesus.
  5. They don't like barbecue or beer.
  6. Many are queer.
  7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

President Bush expects the operation to last 7 to 10 days.

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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You know you know you're from a small town if:
  • You can name everyone you graduated with.
  • You know what 4-H is.
  • You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
  • You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
  • You ever went cow tipping or snipe hunting.
  • School gets cancelled for state events.
  • You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow).
  • It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
  • You had senior skip day.
  • The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
  • You don't give directions by street names, but by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east of Anderson's, and it's 4 houses to the left of the track field).
  • The cc golf course only has 9 holes.
  • You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend/boyfriend.
  • Your car stays filthy because of dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
  • You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
  • The town next to you is considered snooty, but is actually just like your town.
  • Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
  • You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people".
  • The people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up on the trend 2 years later.
  • Anyone you want can be found at the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
  • The city council meets are the coffee shop.
  • Weekend excitement involves a trip to Wal-Mart.
  • Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
  • Your teacher calls you by your older siblings names.
  • Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
  • The closest McDonalds is 45 miles away.
  • So is the closest mall.
  • It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower

Submitted by Megan, Emmitsburg, Md.

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You're A Redneck When ... 2002 Edition
  • You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
  • You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
  • Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  • You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
  • You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
  • You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
  • You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
  • You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  • Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
  • You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
  • You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
  • You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
  • You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap.
  • Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
  • You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
  • You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
  • The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
  • Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
  • You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler.
  • You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
  • You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
  • Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
  • A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.
  • You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
  • You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"
  • You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
  • You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
  • Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co. 

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