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Today's top 25 Country and Western Songs
  1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye.
  2. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure.
  3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
  4. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
  5. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.
  6. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
  7. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
  8. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
  9. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
  10. l'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
  11.  I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
  12. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back, Crying Over You.
  13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
  14. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
  15. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
  16. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
  17. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
  18. Please Bypass This Heart.
  19. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
  20. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
  21. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
  22. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
  23. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
  24. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is:

  1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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You know you're from the sticks if:
  • You've never met any celebrities. 
  • Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. 
  • "Vacation" means going to the family reunion. 
  • You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
  • You measure distance in minutes.
  • You know several people who have hit a deer.
  • Your school classes were canceled because of bomb threats.
  • Your school classes were canceled because of heat. (but not the cold)
  • You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
  • You've ever had to switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
  • You think Ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
  • You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
  • Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
  • You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
  • You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
  • You use "fix" as an adverb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
  • All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, plant, or animal.
  • You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
  • You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
  • You carry jumper cables in your car.
  • You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.
  • You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
  • You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
  • You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
  • The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
  • You think that deer season is a national holiday.
  • You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
  • You know that going "barefootin" is one of the great joys of life.
  • You find 80 degrees Fahrenheit "a little chilly."
  • You know all 4 seasons: Halloween, Christmas, Easter, and Summer Vacation!!
  • You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your friends.

Submitted by Bruce, Emmitsburg, Md.

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What not to say to a police officer!
  • I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
  • Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
  • Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
  • Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
  • Are You Andy or Barney?
  • I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
  • You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
  • I pay your salary!
  • Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
  • Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
  • I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
  • When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked "May I help you?"
Farmer: "Yea, I want one of those dayvorce's."
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
Attorney: "No you do not understand, do you have a case?"
Farmer: "No I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge."
Farmer: "Yea, I got a grudge, that is where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No, do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Farmer: No sir, we both get up about 4:40."
Attorney: "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
Farmer: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"

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Application for Arkansas Drivers License

Last name: __________________________ First name: (Check appropriate box)

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Jean

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser 
[_] Waitress [_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _______________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _______________________
Lover's Name: ____________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ________________________
Relationship to spouse: 
[_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother
[_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where you keep them firearms: 
  [_] truck [_] kitchen [_] bedroom [_] bathroom [_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: ____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack? 
  [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:___________________________

Newspapers/magazines you read: 
  [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide 
  [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: 
  [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable

Color of teeth: 
  [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A [_] Teeth?

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: 
  [_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
  [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know [_]paved road ?

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.

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A redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery

He goes to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The redneck says, 'I want my $20 million.' The man replied, 'No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.'

The redneck said, 'Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.' Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The redneck, furious with the man, screams out, 'Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!'

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life . . .

... and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do," said the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also live in a house or a trailer."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you have a place to live, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascination' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Redneck Wedding Night

This redneck couple get married. They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says,

"Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin."

At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home. He tells his father what happened.

"Son, you done right," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

Submitted By Kevin, Dallas, Tx.  

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