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The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in . .

. .  . With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.
  

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Martha Steward's rules for rednecks:

General:

  1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
  2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining out:

  1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
  2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

Entertaining in your home:

  1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

Personal hygiene:

  1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
  2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
  3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
  4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (Outside the Family):

  1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
  2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
  3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater etiquette:

  1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:

  1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
  3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
  4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
    occasion.

Driving etiquette:

  1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
  2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
  3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
  4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
  5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Submitted by Neal, Downingtown, Pa.
   

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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged . . .

. . . they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were "OH GOD!" Only the state of West Virginia was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!"
  

Submitted by Lisa, Damascus, Md.
 

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West Virginia Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a West Virginia couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in West Virginie), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Hillbilly said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me" So, the couple drove to Arkansas to get a second opinion.

The Arkansas physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from West Virginia. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg Va.
 

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There were two hillbilly brothers, Billy Bob and Joe Bob . . .

One day they went to the lumber yard in their pickup truck, and Billy Bob went in and said to the salesman, "I want some 4 by 2s."

The salesman replied, "Don't you mean 2 by 4s?"

Billy Bob said, "Let me go ask my brother in the truck."

He came back and said, "Yeah we want some 2 by 4s."

Then the salesman asked, "How long do you want them?"

Billy Bob said, "I don't know, let me go ask my brother in the truck."

He came back into the store and said, "We want them for a long time, we're gonna build a garage!"

Submitted by Peg, Germantown, Md.
 

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40 things a Texan would never say:

The top 40 things you would NEVER hear a Texan say...ever...no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from Texas they've wandered:

40. Oh, I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup. It' s just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancÚ, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie Snack Cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans a little too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, darlin'.

And the number 1 thing is:

1. Nope, no more for me... I'm drivin'.

Submitted by Julie of Middleburg, Va.
 

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You know you are a red neck if . . .
  • The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
  • You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
  • You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
  • You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
  • Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
  • You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
  • You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  • Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this"
  • You've got more than one brother named Darryl.
  • You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
  • Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
  • Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
  • You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
  • You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
  • You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
  • The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
  • One of your kids was born on a pool table.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
  • Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
  • You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
  • You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
  • Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Submitted by Ray, King Of Prussa, Pa.
 

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The New Guy In Town

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Leon... your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Leon is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem...after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Sam says, " Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Leon turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too" "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. by the way, what should I wear?"

Leon stops in the door again and says, " Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
 

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One day the Arkansas county sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots .  . . 

. . . The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"

Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin.' MaryLou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well,

then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said 'Okay Billy-Bob, lets go to town!'... I guess I'm the first one here!"
 

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Redneck two liners . . .
  • Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? 
      
    She can't touch it till she's fourteen
      
  • What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? 
      
    The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
     
  • How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say 
      
    "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
      
  • How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married? 
     
    There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
     
  • Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? 
     
    It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
     
  • What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
     
    A documentary.
     
  • How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
     
    Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
     
  • Why did God invent armadillos?
     
    So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
     
  • Where was the toothbrush invented? Oklahoma.
     
    If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.
     
  • Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" 
     
    The driver says, "Bout what?"
     
  • Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
     
    The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
     
  • Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down?
     
    Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
     
  • A new law recently passed in North Carolina:
     
    When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
     
  • What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
     
    I-40.
     
  • Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" 
     
    "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." 
     
    "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
     
  • What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? 
     
    Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
     
  • Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? 
     
    'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
     
  • What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
      
    A full set of teeth.

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Grape Nehi

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.

Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?".

The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."

The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist?... what the hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

 

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Notice to Northerners moving south

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.

  1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
     
  2. Just because you think you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
     
  3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
     
  4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
     
  5. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
     
  6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
     
  7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.
     
  8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in "big ol truck", or "big ol boy", "Fixin'", as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store", 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.
     
  9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
     
  10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
     
  11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
     
  12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
     
  13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.
     
  14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
     
  15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
     
  16. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'"is a valid defense.

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