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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 50

"Hillary Clinton ... is upset right now with a columnist from the Washington Post's 'Fashion' section. The columnist pointed out that Hillary showed a little cleavage during a speech that she made on the Senate floor. ... Who'd have ever thought a controversy involving a Clinton and cleavage would be about Hillary?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"A scary incident yesterday for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts. Luckily, he's okay. ... He collapsed to the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right. ... For the young people, do you know who John Roberts is? He is our most important judge ... right after Simon Cowell." --Jay Leno

"Are you talking about how sexy Hillary Clinton looks? ... Everybody's talking about it. She's dressing so much sexier. Folks down in Washington in the Capitol building say they haven't seen this much cleavage in the Senate since Ted Kennedy" --David Letterman

"Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared this evening on 'Larry King Live.' Doctors say he looked old, pale and sickly. And so did Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

"Happy Birthday to our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old. You can tell he's getting up there. Remember when he used to say things like, 'I'll be back'? Now he says, 'Ow, my back.'" --Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton recently said that if Hillary is elected president, he would be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, 'I've already got the roving part down.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Shocking news from ... Alaska. We're all familiar with our good friend in the Senate, the lovably cantankerous Ted Stevens. ... It turns out the FBI and the IRS want to even get more familiar with Ted Stevens. Yesterday, the FBI and the IRS raided the noted technology guru's home. The raid ... was part of an investigation into claims Stevens has accepted gifts from an oil company in exchange for getting it lucrative state contracts. ... Investigators seemed especially interested in Steven's wine collection, taking photos of both the cases of wine and individual bottles, including his private stock of Chateau de $1,000 in cash. Which, as you know, goes great with anything ... that costs $1,000." --Jon Stewart

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 49

"Louisiana Senator David Vitter has admitted he was a client of the DC madam. She made public a list of all her clients' phone numbers. Here's my question: If you're so stupid to go to a prostitute and give her your real name and your Senate office phone number, how did you get elected in the first place?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush held a press conference yesterday to discuss the latest report out of Iraq. He says there's plenty of reason for optimism, although I'm starting to get the feeling he doesn't know what that word means." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, has just been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good old days during a campaign, when you only had to kiss babies? It is so competitive now for what you have to do to get elected." --Jay Leno

"The President's approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. Right now, he's somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi. And by tomorrow, he's expected to rank somewhere between John Mark Karr and Chinese toothpaste." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, he's admitted now he dates hookers in Washington, D.C, and also in Louisiana. But, he said, in his defense, he always selected the girl with the lowest bid. So he's fiscally prudent." --David Letterman

"Later this summer the first ever gay presidential debate will be held, where Democratic candidates will answer questions posed by the gay community. Yeah, question number one is very good. Question number one: Why can't health care be more fabulous?" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the current issue of Sports Illustrated, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has become a 'golf nut.' She's pretty good, too. The only sand trap she can't get out of? Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Some sad news I should mention, Lady Bird Johnson passed away at the age of 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer and an icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a bird." --Conan O'Brien

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 48

"Earlier this morning in London, police defused a potentially massive car bomb parked in front of famed Piccadilly Circus. President Bush got a little confused. He called the new prime minister and made sure all the animals and clowns were safe." --Jay Leno

"How many folks saw Paris Hilton last night on the 'Larry King Live' program? ... The interview went pretty well. Larry only flatlined once. ... I think Larry's getting old. He kept calling her Charo. ... Paris said she hated prison. There's some insight. She said she had to eat mystery meat. I think I've actually seen video of her doing that" --David Letterman

"President Bush's immigration bill failed to pass. To be fair, this is not the first time in his life George Bush has heard the term 'failed to pass.'" --Jay Leno

"The other day at the Mexican/U.S. border, three illegal aliens were discovered under the hood of a Ford pick-up truck, crouched around the engine. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'No, that was wrong. We don't call them engines anymore. They're now Native Americans.'" --Jay Leno

"Experts say the price of milk could rise to as much as $4 a gallon. $4 a gallon for milk? I didn't know Dick Cheney was involved with the dairy industry" --Jay Leno

"In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said his dreams of becoming a priest ended when he realized he couldn't give up having sex. Ironically, that's also what ended his first and second marriages." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 47

"The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking of running for president again. We couldn't be more excited. ... Nader says he rejects the term spoiler. It's a lot better than loser." --Jay Leno

"They're getting ready to unveil President Bush's presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush's presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, 'In other words, we're just gonna build some stuff and see what happens.'" --Conan O'Brien

"You remember Dick Cheney, he's the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn't tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: atty Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney's family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, 'My God, how do you shoot an old man in the face ... and get him to apologize? Ohh, Cheney. He must be evil. What's he hiding? What are his secrets?' Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything." --Jon Stewart

"CNN, of course, was referring to revelations that Dick Cheney's office has for years refused to comply with an executive order requiring him to report how he was classifying secret documents. In fact, rather than comply, Cheney attempted to abolish the agency in charge of the oversight. But unfortunately, since you can't shoot an entire agency in the face, he resorted to a different tactic. Cheney now claims he doesn't have to follow the executive orders because he's not a member of the executive branch. Now before you say, 'Oh my God, the vice president's a crazy person that under normal circumstances wouldn't even be allowed to operate lightweight machinery,' listen to his argument: He's not part of the executive branch because he's also president of the Senate, a legislative body. ... It's like the Harlem Globetrotters saying they were part of Scooby and the Gang, even though they only showed up once at a haunted amusement park and once on some Christmas special, which doesn't even count" --Jon Stewart

"He is correct. For Dick Cheney exists neither in the executive branch nor the legislative, yet simultaneously in both. He is neither man nor beast, yet has elements of the twain. He is at once everything and nothing, substance without form, shape without motion, time without reason. He is the highlander." --John Oliver, on Cheney claiming the systems of checks and balances do not apply to him

"Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs 'The Sopranos' finale. In the ad, she orders carrot sticks at a diner, then switches the jukebox to a Celine Dion song. Hillary's calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal hell." --Conan O'Brien

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 46

"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an 'Impeach Dick Cheney' movement. First of all, how many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? Want to get rid of this guy? Buy him a cheeseburger." --Jay Leno

"This morning in Washington, President Bush attended the 6th Annual Hispanic Prayer Breakfast. At the breakfast, President Bush showed off his Spanish by ordering 'El Capitan Cruncho.'" --Conan O'Brien

"All of the candidates have released their financial statements. Turns out Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. See that sounds glamorous, but imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half-way across the country, him sitting there by himself all lonely." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was in Albania. He thought he was going to Albany. Anyway, he ended up in Albania ... and somebody stole his watch. Bush is upset. He is really angry. He said he now has no choice but to bomb Iran." --David Letterman

"The Pentagon has admitted they once tried to develop a gay bomb -- a bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay. They said their goal was to turn the Iraq war into a musical. ... Gay bomb? Talk about a troop surge. ... I believe the main ingredients in the gay bomb are an agent orange with a chartreuse accent." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told a Latino group if immigrants want to learn English, they should not read foreign-language newspapers. The Latino group told Arnold, 'How about you tell us how you learned English, and we'll do the opposite.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson ... gave a major campaign speech yesterday. A major speech to let everyone know he is not dropping out of the race ... and he is entering the Iowa straw poll and he intends to win it. And then the kid at the McDonald's drive-thru said, 'You want fries, Mr.?'" --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 45

"Joint Chiefs of Staff [Chair] Peter Pace is leaving his job. He's the one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress." --Jay Leno

"Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama." --David Letterman

"By a vote of 93-5, the Louisiana state House has voted to make it illegal for teachers to have sex with their students. Here's my question: Who are the five people who voted for it?" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at the G8 Summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'I believe the correct pronunciation is Abracadabra.'" --Conan O'Brien

"There seems to be tension between President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin. Again, President Bush thinks this is good. He thinks a new Cold War could help end global warming." --Jay Leno

"There's a new rumor that Senator Hillary Clinton recently had some plastic surgery done. Friends of Hillary deny the rumor and say, 'Believe it or not, that's her natural forced smile.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Democratic congressman from Louisiana, William Jefferson -- you know, the guy who was caught with $90,000 in his freezer -- has been indicted on 16 corruption charges. That's William Jefferson. Now don't confuse him with his wife, Weezy." --Jay Leno

"Undaunted by the protesters, the leaders focused on finding consensus over global warming. And by 'consensus,' we mean getting Bush to agree with the other seven." --Jon Stewart, on the G8 Summit

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 44

"It looks like the Senate and the president have finally agreed on an immigration bill. ... This one looks like it could become law and, of course, nobody likes it. The conservatives say the bill gives amnesty to the illegals. The liberals say it doesn't go far enough to protect the hardworking immigrants here in America. And the L.A.P.D. doesn't know who to beat up." --Bill Maher

"Part of this new immigration bill requires the head of the household to be sent home. He has to go back to his home country. Some people say this would be cruel to take a hardworking person working for the American dream and send them home. But, hey, 'American Idol' does it every week." --Jay Leno

"The Associated Press says that many of the Mexican people in Mexico are against this new immigration bill. Oh, man. Let's hope they don't boycott coming here." --Jay Leno

"They killed the Taliban's top commander in Afghanistan. ... You know, it's going to be nice for Saddam Hussein to have help shoveling coal into the furnace of Hell." --David Letterman

"President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair held their last joint press conference. President Bush says he's gonna miss listening to Tony Blair, because when he closes his eyes, Blair sounds just like C3PO." --Conan O'Brien

"During a concert of the Virginia symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, President Bush briefly took over conducting the orchestra. Which explains why the orchestra is now four trillion dollars in debt." --Seth Meyers

"Lieutenant General Douglas Lute, the Pentagon's director of operations, was chosen to oversee the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan as a war czar. Lute was chosen after being the last one in the room to yell, 'Not it!'" --Amy Poehler

"Happy TGIF! Do you know what TGIF stands for? ... The Greencard Is Five Grand." --Jay Leno

"Toyota introduced a luxury hybrid car that costs $125,000. The luxury hybrid is perfect for the person who wants to be environmentally conscious, but still wants to look like a selfish a-hole." --Conan O'Brien

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 43

"How many of you saw the Republican presidential debate? There are ten Republicans who want to be president of the United States. Did you see them? I mean, they looked like guys waiting to tee off at a restricted country club. " --David Letterman

"The Republican presidential debate was held tonight in California, and ten candidates took part. Political experts say that the ten Republican candidates represented all races, creeds, and colors of rich white men." --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight was the big Republican debate. Ten white guys. ... It looked like a meeting of the Hair Club for Men. GOP stands for Gray, Old and Pale." --Jay Leno

"There's a brand new book out. In it Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says that she has a crush on President Bush. Well, sure. Who doesn't?" --David Letterman

"It looks like a lot of politicians' careers will be ruined when this Washington madam releases the names on her client list. President Bush's Deputy Secretary of State Randall Tobias has already resigned because he was a customer. He claims he just got a massage, but no sex. I think that was called 'The Married Guy Special.'" --Jay Leno

"The Democrats' problem isn't that they're calling for timetables. It's that they're calling them timetables. You're up against Bush and the Republicans, you got to bring some zing. Don't call them timetables. Call them ... patriot dates ... freedom deadlines ... glory goals. What decent, patriotic American wouldn't stand behind a glory goal?" --Jon Stewart

"Anybody planning on seeing ... 'Spiderman 3'? This one is crazy because during the day he's Spiderman, but at night he turns into his alter ego. He goes out wearing black tights and does things that he's ashamed about the next day. Wait a minute ... that's Jim McGreevey." --David Letterman

"According to Men's Health Magazine, one out of five grown adult men still watch Saturday morning cartoons every week. To which President Bush went, 'See'" --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 42

"Four years ago today, President Bush gave his Iraq victory speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Well, I'm glad that's all behind us." --David Letterman

"Here's the latest scandal in Washington: ... They say on '20/20' this week, the D.C. madam ... is going to list the names of famous Republicans who used her female escort service. ... That shows you the fundamental philosophical differences between the two parties. Bush Republicans believe in having the private sector provide sex for profit. Whereas, Clinton Democrats believe it should be a big give-away program." --Jay Leno

"Four years ago, the president stood on the deck of an aircraft carrier and announced 'Mission Accomplished.' Two years later, the president appointed one of the main architects of that mission, Paul Wolfowitz, to head the World Bank. Because when someone has been completely wrong about everything, you gotta put him where he can't do any harm, like in charge of the world's poor." --Jon Stewart

"We deported over 250,000 illegal immigrants from this country last year. And today at the rally, they said they're all glad to be back." --Jay Leno

"Politicians having sex with prostitutes? What's the matter? All of a sudden, congressional pages aren't good enough anymore?" --David Letterman

"The former first lady of New Jersey and soon to be ex-wife of gay former Governor Jim McGreevey was on 'Oprah' today. She wrote a book that claims even though she was married to the guy for almost four years, she never knew Jim McGreevey was gay. She just thought he had really bad aim" --Jimmy Kimmel

"That's what makes this country great. The fact that thousands of Mexican people march in a state with an Austrian governor waving American flags made in China." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 41

"I got myself a new computer this week. I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer. Have you seen this one? It destroys your e-mails and has no memory." --Jay Leno

"Are you folks excited about the 2008 presidential campaign? ... Hillary Clinton says that if she's elected, she will name her husband Bill Clinton a roving ambassador to the world. ... Hmmm. Let me think about this. Bill Clinton traveling around the world without his wife? No, I can't see anything going wrong there." --David Letterman

"Earlier today, President Bush met with the president of Peru. When the Peruvian president invited Bush to visit Machu Picchu, Bush said, 'Great, I love Pokemon.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Some other world class entertainers gathered this weekend for a good cause at the White House Press Correspondents' Dinner. This is where politicians cut loose and make fun of each other and themselves. Last year Stephen Colbert was the headliner, but he was a little bit too funny for their liking I guess, because this year, they went a slightly safer route. They exhumed Rich Little to be the MC. ... Now, when we finally need Dick Cheney to shoot an old man, he's nowhere to be found." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Do you know what would happen if Cheney was impeached? George Bush would become acting president." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was in town. ... He attended a big fundraiser on Park Avenue. It's part of his program 'No Cash Left Behind'" --David Letterman

"Bill Clinton announced he'll be flying to Russia to attend the funeral of former president of Russia Boris Yeltsin. At least, that's what he's telling Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"Sheryl Crow was at the dinner to raise awareness of global warming, and she has an interesting plan. Sheryl Crow is encouraging people to only use one square of toilet paper when they go to the bathroom. ... So in other words, don't ever shake Sheryl Crow's hand" --Jimmy Kimmel

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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