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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 28

"John Kerry said he's still considering a White House run in 2008 and he insisted his botched joke will not undermine his campaign -- his botched personality might." --Jay Leno

"Amid this environment of treachery, the president visited one of his last bastions of support, the Baltic states, whose love for America clearly indicates we're better than Stalinist Russia." --Jon Stewart

"When President Bush landed in Indonesia, tens of thousands of people lined the streets screaming anti-American slogans and attacking his presidency. Bush said he felt like he was at the Academy Awards." --Jay Leno

"President Bush stopped in Estonia to thank them for their help in Iraq. ... Remember the old days when our allies were countries like Italy, Spain, Germany. Now we're down to like Estonia, Latvia. Yes, the United States and Lichtenstein stand together!" --Jay Leno

"First Daughter Barbara Bush had her purse stolen. Somebody snatches her purse. What was in that purse, her father's plan for Iraq. Now we have to start all over again. A lot of people wondering if President Bush will be mad at his daughter for losing her purse. Hey, he lost the House and Senate." --Jay Leno

"Henry Kissinger says the war in Iraq is un-winnable. And if anybody knows how not to win a war its Henry Kissinger." --Jay Leno

"The president's twin daughters are celebrating their 25th birthday with a trip to Argentina. Apparently their trip has caused what's known as chaos, to the point where, according to, the American embassy and many Argentinian officials have strongly suggested the twins return to America. Just to repeat, Argentina, former safe-haven for Nazi war criminals, is drawing the line at the Bush twins." --Jon Stewart

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 27

The Democrats, it's less than two weeks since they took power and already they're fighting among themselves. ... Say what you want about the Republican Congress, those guys were always on the same page." --Bill Maher

"According to the Washington Times, there's a revolt brewing among Republicans in the House. People are, of course, shocked by this. There are still Republicans in the House?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush on Monday met for more than an hour with the independent panel examining strategic options for Iraq and cautioned afterward that while he's open to new ideas, he'd like them to come only from people who agree with him." --Amy Poehler

"A recent study shows that Osama bin Laden wields a surprisingly low amount of influence over Islamic ideology. They don't listen to him. I don't want to say Osama's losing power, but you want to know what his al Qaeda code name is now? Donald Rumsfeld." --Jay Leno

"President Bush, trying to gain international support in Iraq ... met with leaders in Vietnam. ... Experts say nothing builds support for a war like a trip to Vietnam." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard." --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush now in his eight day trip to China. His approval rating is 31%. Not good. To give you an idea of how unpopular President Bush is, on Air Force One now, he can't even get the window seat." --Jay Leno

Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 26

"These activist judges are at it again. The New Jersey Supreme Court says homosexuals actually have the same civil rights as straight people, which means they can marry. See, this is the difference between Democrats and Republicans. Democrats want gays to get married. Republicans know congressmen need to be able to play the field." --Bill Maher

"Insiders are now saying that Hillary Clinton has had millions and millions of plastic surgery. They say she's so good-looking that actually, earlier today, her husband hit on her." --David Letterman

"Officials said Tuesday that Iraqis have agreed to develop a timetable for progress in stabilizing Iraq. So there you have it. There's now a timetable for establishing a timetable. Welcome home, boys!." --Amy Poehler

"According to the Census Bureau, earlier this month, the country's population hit 300 million. And Al Gore is blaming it on 'global humping.'" --David Letterman

"Many say that London has replaced New York City as the world's undisputed financial capital. Hear that terrorists? The world's undisputed financial capital is London." --Seth Meyers

"President Bush has authorized the building of a 700-mile fence. A 700-mile fence they're going to build between the United States and Mexico. And, he says ... he knows where we can get some cheap labor to build it. ... That's a pretty long fence. I'm thinking to myself, 'I just hope there's a way Halliburton can make some money off of this deal. It would be nice to throw something their way for a change." --David Letterman.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 25

"The election is three weeks away and there are rumors the Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster, which would be a first -- a disaster they were actually prepared for." --Bill Maher

"On Tuesday, the U.S. population hit 300 million. 'Oh, that's so cute,' said China." --Amy Poehler

"If recent polls are correct and Democrats win back control of the House and Senate, President Bush's administration will be transformed into an early lame duck. Worse, Cheney will then shoot it." --Seth Meyers

"This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In Las Vegas, a 32-year-old mother told police that Republican Congressman Jim Gibbons, who is running for governor in Nevada, got drunk, put his hand on her thigh, complained about his marriage and then tried to have sex with her in the parking garage. A congressman trying to have sex with an adult woman? This is the best news Republicans have had in years." --Jay Leno

"U.S. Intelligence this week confirmed North Korea's claim that it exploded a nuclear bomb deep inside a mountain. This officially makes North Korea a nuclear threat, but only if they can lure their enemies deep inside a mountain." --Amy Poehler

"Elections are only a few weeks away and it looks like the Republicans are going to lose a lot of them. I guess desperate times require desperate measures. [on screen: RNC's TV ad depicting another terrorist attack by Osama bin Laden, followed by a reminder to vote 11/7]. Let me get this straight. Osama bin Laden is threatening to attack America again, so what we should do is vote for the people who haven't been able to catch him for the last five years?." --Jimmy Kimmel

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 24

"With so many politicians being taken down by sex scandals this year, I tip my hat to Wisconsin Secretary of State candidate Sandy Sullivan who has written a book detailing her sexual exploits with multiple members of the Green Bay Packers during the team's heyday in the 1960s. It is so refreshing to see a candidate whose closet has been so thoroughly cleaned out." --Stephen Colbert

"According to USA Today, most of our nation's cities will be unable to evacuate in the case of a major disaster. Washington, DC, received an F as one of the hardest cities to get out of. Unless, of course, you're a Republican in November. Then it's easy." --Jay Leno

"This weekend Ohio Republican Bob Ney plead guilty to Abramoff-related bribery and corruption charges. Congressman Ney's district encompasses -- this is true -- most of Licking County, Ohio. Which early odds have it will also be the nickname of his jail cell. Ney asked for leniency in sentencing because he says he has a drinking problem. If you're keeping score at home, that now makes alcohol responsible for corruption, anti-semitism, and homosexual pedophilia." --Jon Stewart

"A strong 6.6 magnitude earthquake hit Hawaii yesterday morning. Pretty scary. President Bush says he wants to do anything he can to help them because he considers Hawaii to be one of our strongest allies. Of course, FEMA was there immediately. Actually, some FEMA had arrived a day earlier to assess the the damage from the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor." --Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll about the 2008 election, many voters in Iowa consider Hillary Clinton as their second or even third choice. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I feel the same way.'." --Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton came out in support of the estate tax last week. Clinton said that some people think he should leave all his money to his daughter when he's gone, but he doesn't think he should. He said he should spend it now on other people's daughters when he's still alive." --Jay Leno

"A politician in Denver still wants voters to support him even though a videotape has surfaced of him masturbating. His campaign slogan is, 'Think of me when you're about to pull the lever'." --Conan O'Brien

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 23

"It was reported this week that a $20 million provision has been placed in the military spending bill to pay for a party celebrating America's victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. So save the date: February 8th, 3046." --Amy Poehler

"Let's pretend this plug is 'Iraq' and you're trying to connect it to the 'war on terror,' which is this avocado. You can do it... but here's the problem: The avocado still doesn't turn on. And now your plug is covered in guacamole." --Jon Stewart, demonstrating the connection between Iraq and the war on terror

"There is a scandal going on and every day it seems to get worse. Now more pages came forward today saying this thing with Foley goes back 11 years. Rush Limbaugh said today, 'You see, another threat Clinton completely ignored.' He also said, 'This would have never happened if Al Gore didn't invent the Internet.'" --Bill Maher

"Yesterday, (Arnold Schwarzenegger) was in Chinatown here in L.A. where he gave a little speech, encouraging immigrants to try to assimilate into mainstream American society [on screen: Schwarzenegger saying, 'You have to become part of America, and that is very difficult for some people to do -- especially, I think, for Mexicans]. This is a guy who still can't pronounce the name of the state he runs." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Democrats accused Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist of waving a white flag for saying the Afghan war against Taliban guerrillas cannot be won militarily. Things must be bad in Afghanistan if Bill Frist is ready to give up. Remember, this is the guy that thought we could still fix Terri Schiavo." --Seth Meyers

"Yesterday, Hastert defended himself by saying he had no idea what was going on. Hey, don't laugh. It worked for President Bush." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 22

"A congressman from Florida, 52-year-old Mark Foley, resigned today because of questionable e-mails he wrote to a former male page. The page was 16-years-old at the time. Out of force of habit, the Catholic Church offered to move him to another parish." --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, Oprah Winfrey said she wants Senator Barack Obama to be the next president. When Oprah heard that Obama doesn't want to be president, she parted the clouds and said, 'Oprah has spoken'." --Conan O'Brien

"In an interview with Mike Wallace about his new book, legendary Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward said that Henry Kissinger is now advising President Bush on Iraq, and they're trying to fight the Vietnam War all over again. Hey, why not? Bush missed it the first time." --Jay Leno

"President Bush on Tuesday dismissed the finger-pointing criticism from Bill Clinton that the Bush administration had not been vigorous enough in going after Osama bin Laden, adding, 'We'll let history judge.' Oh, it has. It's in this book [on screen: The 9/11 Commission Report]. You commissioned it." --Seth Meyers

"In wake of the George Allen controversy, Virginia Democratic Senate challenger Jim Webb declined to say on Tuesday whether he ever used the 'N' word. But it did not help his case when he asked, 'Does it count if it was in Scrabble?'." --Seth Meyers

"Al Gore told the United Nations that cigarette smoking is a significant contributor to global warming. To be fair, you have to blame us, the non-smokers. We're the ones that made them go outside, right?." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 21

"Hillary Clinton's opponent in the U.S. Senate race, the Republican she's going to be running against, has been married three times, had an affair with his chief of staff, had two kids with her while still married to his second wife. This is the first time in history that a Clinton is the 'family values' candidate." --Jay Leno

"A new season of 'Survivor' debuted tonight featuring the controversial idea of separating the tribes by race. The Asian tribe is called Puka Puka, the African-American tribe is called Manihiki, and the Caucasian tribe is called the Republicans." --Conan O'Brien

"General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in Washington by speaking out against President Bush's policies, saying that the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism. That's what I think he said -- it was hard to hear him because he was being hustled out of the room to his cell in Guantanamo Bay." --Jay Leno

"This week, President Bush said he has no plans to invade North Korea. Bush said, 'This time, Rumsfeld and I are going to wing it.'." --Conan O'Brien

"Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver." --David Letterman

"The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill to build a 700-mile fence along the Mexican border. Apparently, the idea is to keep Mexicans from getting back home." --Conan O'Brien

"Big scandal on the new 'Survivor' series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 20

"This weekend it's going to be all programming to commemorate the fifth anniversary of 9/11. All the networks are getting into it. CBS is showing their 9/11 documentary. And ABC has their 'Path to 9/11' docudrama. And, of course, Fox is going with Ryan Seacrest's 'Rockin 9/11 Countdown.'." --Bill Maher

"Democratic leaders in the U.S. Senate have sent a letter to ABC asking them to cancel this big 9/11 docudrama they have coming on this weekend. They call it, 'inaccurate, partisan and right-wing propaganda,' where as Fox calls it 'news.' In the movie, they claim that while he was president, Bill Clinton couldn't concentrate on fighting al Qaeda because the Monica Lewinsky scandal was such a distraction. A distraction? She was under the desk. The papers were on top of the desk. He could see everything." --Jay Leno

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's is in trouble because he said Cubans and Puerto Ricans are hot-blooded. Arnold said, 'Sorry, when I made those comments, I assumed no one would understand what I was saying'." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's new position on torture is, 'We don't do it. We've never done it. And we're going to stop doing it.'." --Jay Leno

"In an interview on 'Nightline' the other night, Hillary Clinton says she has to face what she calls the 'Goldilocks' theory of politics, where she's too liberal for some, too moderate for others, and never just right. If there's anybody who can identify with the Goldilocks story, it's Hillary Clinton. I mean, how many times has she come home and found someone sleeping in her bed?." --Jay Leno

"During a speech earlier today, President Bush said that he will continue to fight terror by 'using all the tools available.' Then the president introduced Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld as the biggest tool of all." --Conan O'Brien

"Former officials from the Clinton administration are upset at our network, ABC, because of the miniseries 'The Path to 9/11. They say the movie paints Clinton as soft on terrorism. Which by the way, if he was soft on terrorism, that was the only thing he was soft on." --Jimmy Kimmel

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 19

"Tuesday will mark the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina -- the storm that nearly destroyed New Orleans. The White House's response to Katrina can best be filed under job comma 'heckuva.'" --Jon Stewart

"CNN, to mark the fifth anniversary of 9/11, is going to be re-playing their original coverage of that day. Let's just hope that President Bush doesn't tune in and go, 'Oh my God, they've done it again!'." --Bill Maher

"There's a recent study about human behavior and apparently, women are capable of making decisions about the character of men within a tenth of a second. Decisions often made without any rational thought. Yep and that's why we're in Iraq." --David Letterman

"'Diary of a Lost Girl,' the autobiography of Kola Boof, recounts her sexual relationship with Osama bin Laden. There were some bad sides to being Osama's sex slave because Boof writes, 'Osama, you understand, did not know the difference between being vicious and being tender.' Now I know I'm going to get an angry letter from Ned Lamont for saying this, but I think bin Laden may not have not been a nice person." --Stephen Colbert

"The Republicans have a new talking point on Iraq. It's about time they got one. The new one is: 'If we don't fight them there, they'll follow us home.' There's a representative -- a Republican named Curt Weldon -- who said we either fight them over there or we fight them here in our supermarkets. Have you ever been to that Ralph's on Sunset at 3 in the morning? I don't think al Qaeda has the guts." --Bill Maher

"A bunch of astronomers got together and they have downsized the solar system. All through school as a kid didn't you think there were nine planets? No, as of today we have eight planets. They have voted Pluto out of the solar system. They have downgraded the solar system from nine to eight. It is similar to what's happened at 'The View.'." --David Letterman

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 18

"On some flights the only thing airlines are letting you take on are a passport and cash. The passport, of course, for identification and the cash, so they can sell you a bottle of water for $20." --Jay Leno

"The big story still is the big terror plot foiled in Britain. Earlier today, a top official in England said, 'Britain is living through its most frightening time since the second World War.' Of course, he wasn't counting that three-year run by the Spice Girls." --Conan O'Brien

Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman lost his party's nomination for the U.S. Senate. Like the statesman he is, the senator went out with dignity -- by not going out at all. He's running as what he calls an Independent Democrat. Bravo, Senator. Never give up. Make them pry the key to the Senate wash room from your cold, dead hands. Joe, it's not your own future you're fighting for. You're fighting for the future of America." --Stephen Colbert

"Officials say these terrorists targeted United, American and Continental airlines. You know what that means? Even terrorists won't fly Southwest." --Jay Leno

"President Bush, of course, is responding to the crisis. He's on vacation. That's his plan. He'll show them ... President Bush is on vacation in Texas right now. This is true. He's urging his staff to join the 100-degree club by running three miles in 100-degree heat. Experts say it's proof that the president an come up with a bad idea at any level." --Conan O'Brien

"Apparently the Dixie Chicks had to cancel 14 shows on their tour, because of slow ticket sales. There's some concern they're losing their fan base. How ironic is that? They finally have something in common with President Bush." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 17

"As you know President Bush is currently on vacation in Texas. He said he's going to try and do absolutely nothing for the next ten days. His advisors think this is the best way to bring his approval rating up. Just don't do anything." --Jay Leno

"Meanwhile, as Pentagon officials continue working on their plan to have Iraq hug it out, foreign entanglements have left our army stretched to the breaking point. And last week it was disclosed that poor equipment and insufficient training have left two-thirds of both the Army and National Guard's combat force unready for combat. To put that in context: For every G.I. Joe our army has, we also have one Gomer Pyle and one Beetle Bailey." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush travelled to his ranch in Texas for a ten-day vacation. The president said now is the perfect time to take a vacation when everything in the world is running so smoothly." --Conan O'Brien

"Remember America, we started with an armed conflict. It's called the Revolutionary War, not the Revolutionary let's all sit down and talk about our feelings. So I'm surprised to hear the military can't find enough new recruits even after increasing the maximum recruitment age to 41. I don't get it. Why aren't ageing baby boomers jumping at the chance for an exciting second career? They've even lowered the physical requirement. For a 17 year-old soldier the requirements are 47 sit-ups and 35 push-ups but for a 41 year-old it's a tough but fair 29 sit-ups and 24 push-ups. And eventually when they start recruiting retirees, say by March 2007, elderly troops will qualify with two stand-ups, five thumbs-ups, and a 2-minute complaint about the salad dressing selection at Bennigans." --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush is beating the August heat the same way he always does -- with a vacation on his ranch in Texas. He got there yesterday. This will be his shortest vacation since he's taken office. Usually he takes a full month, this time around because of the wars and everything, only ten days. I guess he's saving up the personal days so he can skip the last three months of his presidency." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Earlier today President Bush made a speech about immigration at the border between Texas and Mexico. There was an awkward moment when an illegal immigrant interrupted Bush and said can you give me directions to Dallas?" --Conan O'Brien

"The New York Times reported this story: on a trip to Estonia Senators McCain and Hillary Clinton got into a vodka-drinking contest. No, no, see that shows you how two sides can get together. When a McCain and a Clinton can both end up acting like a Kennedy. When Hillary asked him if he wanted to go out for a cold one, Senator McCain said no thanks, I'm married." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 16

"Congress has sent a bill to President Bush that would set up a national database of convicted sex offenders on the Internet. Don't we have this already? It's called MySpace." --Jay Leno

"Another day in the Middle East. Obviously the cease-fire fell through, talks fell apart, they lasted about two hours. Even the O.J. jury managed to meet longer than that." --Jon Stewart

"How 'bout that Saddam Hussein? I'm beginning to think the guy's wacky. He announced that if he's found guilty he would like to be shot. Sounds like a job for Cheney." --David Letterman

"A Tomahawk cruise missile fell off a truck in the Bronx this week. A cruise missile, isn't that unbelievable? You know what that means? There are now more weapons of mass destruction in the Bronx than there are in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Condoleezza Rice was in Rome and she visited the Vatican and all the priests were very happy to see her. And everybody kept asking her 'What's it like to be celibate?'." --David Letterman

"We talk a lot about Iraq, the Middle East, and Baghdad in particular, which hasn't had what they call utility services. They haven't had water, electric return to the state the way they were before the war, but the United States isn't really doing so great with that here either." --Jon Stewart

"Humanitarian aid in the U.S. has begun arriving in Lebanon. The U.S. Government sent 10,000 medical kits, 20,000 blankets, $30 million cash and today the people of New Orleans said: 'They did what?'." --Jay Leno

"Realize if Al Gore is right and the polar ice caps do melt, the entire state of Florida would be under water and he could finally win a presidential election." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 15

"This morning the Vatican weighed in on the crisis. The Vatican came out and condemned Israel's attacks on Lebanon ... which is great, because all day yesterday, the Jews and Muslims were asking, 'What do the Catholics think?'" --Conan O'Brien

"When it gets hot, so hot you can't stand it and the steam is rising from your scalp, do you worry about global warming? Well, George Bush is now also worried about global warming, but he has a plan. He's going to invade the sun." --David Letterman

"According to an AP poll, 66% of people say it is okay to lie under certain circumstances, to which the oil companies said, 'That's what we've been trying to tell everybody.'" --Jay Leno

"A whole lot of turmoil this week, so let's get right to it. Starting as always with ... the Middle East. This week, the area's usual subconscious depression collided with storms of violent anger moving on from Israel on up to Gaza and straight on up through to Lebanon. By the way, if you're in the Mid-East, this is your 6,021 straight week of seething rage, and guess what guys? That's a new record, breaking the old mark of 6,020 weeks set by you last week. ... Moving on over to the East, a severe crazy front [on screen: picture of North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il] could move into nearby Japan as a cloud of crippling fear" --Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones

"Washington, D.C. Police Chief Charles Ramsey declared a crime emergency in that city. He said crime is out of control. He says it's caused mainly by two rival gangs -- the Republicans and the Democrats. ... It's gotten so bad now that Ted Kennedy won't go to a liquor store after dark." -Jay Leno

"President Bush had a phone conversation with the astronauts aboard the space shuttle. The odd thing is President Bush was the only one wearing a space helmet." --Conan O'Brien

"Last year the U.S. Army missed it's recruiting goal. But this year not only did they meet their goal, they exceeded it. They got 80,000 recruits. The bad news is all 80,000 of them used their connections to get in the Texas National Guard." --Jimmy Kimmel

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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