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An Octogenarian, who was an avid golfer, moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. 

He went to the Club for the first time to play, but he was told there wasn't anyone with whom he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes, because I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said, " Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the Octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a hand."

Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Calif

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You Know You Are Getting Older When . . .
  • You and your teeth don't sleep together.
  • Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
  • At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
  • Your back goes out, but you stay home.
  • When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
  • It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
  • When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
  • When happy hour is a nap.
  • When you're on vacation, and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.
  • When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
  • When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
  • When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
  • Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
  • It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
  • Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
  • Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
  • You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
  • The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
  • Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
  • The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
  • It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
  • Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
  • You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time.
  • You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
  • You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
  • You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
  • You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
  • You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers . . .

. . . a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. 

He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor:'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur. Be careful!

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York. 

The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this!"

She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night."

The father agrees, "All right." He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

Submitted by Larry; Walkersville, Md.

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One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. 

He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community . . .

. . .where curious about the latest arrival in their building a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Shirley says, "Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day walks up to the man and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."

"Of course I'm lonely," he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison..

"You're kidding!" Sophie asks. "For what?"

"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."

"What happened to your second wife?"

"I shot her."

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

"We had a fight, and she fell off a building."

"Oh my," says Sophie.

Then, turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older . . . 

. . . One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I am on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx. 

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Games for When We Are Older:
  • Sag, You're it!
  • Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
  • 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
  • Kick the bucket
  • Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
  • Doc Goose
  • Simon says something incoherent.
  • Hide and go pee
  • Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
  • Musical recliners

Submitted by Lisa, Damascus, Md.

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A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. 

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when a fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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An 80 year old man went to Hollywood to pick up a prostitute and get some action. 

He noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her. The prostitute started becoming annoyed and said, "Get lost old man! You're ruining business!"

"Sure would like to get some action tonight," said the old man.

"You've got to be kidding! You're too old! You're all finished."

"What did you say?" asked the old man.

"You heard me - you're all finished."

"Oh," replied the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

Submitted by Larry; Bethesda, Md.

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A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. 

Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Submitted by Larry; Bethesda, Md.

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Not that this applies to any of you Old" IS WHEN.......
  • Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
  • Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
  • A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
  • Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
  • You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
  • You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
  • "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
  • "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
  • An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things . . . 

. . . so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

Submitted by Dave, Richland, Wa.

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Hidden Benefits of being old
  • In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
  • It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • No one expects you to run into a burning building.
  • People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Things you buy now won't wear out.
  • You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
  • You can eat dinner at 4:00
  • You can live without sex but not without glasses.
  • You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
  • You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
  • You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
  • You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
  • You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  • You got cable for the weather channel.
  • You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
  • You send money to PBS.
  • You sing along with the elevator music.
  • You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
  • Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • Your ears are hairier than your head.
  • Your eyes won't get much worse.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Then... People send you this list...

Submitted by June, Unionville, Pa.

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Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. 

They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

Submitted by Larry, Bethesda, Md.

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Stages of a successful life:
  • At age 4....success is....not peeing in your pants.
  • At age 12....success is....having friends.
  • At age 16....success is....having a driver's license.
  • At age 20....success is....having sex.
  • At age 35....success is....having money.
  • At age 50....success is....having money.
  • At age 60....success is....having sex.
  • At age 70....success is....having a driver's license.
  • At age 75....success is....having friends.
  • At age 80....success is....not peeing in your pants.

Submitted by Michael, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Great Truths About Growing Old
  • Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
  • Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
  • You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
  • You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
  • Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
  • One of life's mysteries is how a two ounce bag of candy can make person gain five pounds.
  • I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
  • There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
  • Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
  • Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
  • Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
  • Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
  • Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Submitted by Flo, Germantown, Md.

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An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms calling her "Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin," etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and it seemed they were still very much in love.

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, he said. I forgot her name about ten years ago."

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God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
  • I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
  • My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
  • I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
  • All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
  • If all is not lost, where is it?
  • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  • Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
  • I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
  • Accidents in the back seat
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  • Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  • When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide play Chess ?
  • It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after!

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. 

The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor: "Please, tell my husband."

The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week.

The 80 year old husband replies: "Which days?"

The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday."

The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."

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