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What Men Expect in a Wife
  • She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
  • She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
  • She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
  • Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
  • She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
  • She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure.
  • She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
  • Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
  • She will hate charge cards.
  • Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
  • She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
  • She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
  • She will love you because you're so sexy.

What Men Get in a Wife

  • She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
  • She was once a model for a totem pole.
  • Where there's smoke, there she is-- cooking.
  • She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
  • She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
  • No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
  • If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you

Submitted by Wendy, Emmitsburg, MD.
  

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A devoted wife was taking care of her husband, who had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.

When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near. "You have been with me through all the bad times," he said.

"When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you stayed by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.
  

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New modern day definitions for the modern mother
  • AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
  • DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
  • FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
  • FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
  • FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
  • GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
  • HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
  • IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
  • INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
  • OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
  • PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
  • SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
  • STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by
  • boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
  • TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
  • TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
  • VERBAL: able to whine in words
  • WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...

Submitted by Wendy, Emmitsburg, Md.
  

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When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class . . .

. . . aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. 

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' "But think about that Ladies. What would you say if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife?'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa
  

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Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
  • 6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food.
  • Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
  • The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
  • There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
  • The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.
  • They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
  • The kids vote them off based on performance.

The winner gets to go back to his job.

Submitted by Dolly, Myersville, Md.
  

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A Farmer was married to his nagging wife who made his life miserable.

The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, his wife stomped out and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, the farmerís mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, the minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Bill he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached the farmer and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," the farmer replied, "the women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale?' and I shook my head, no."
  

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Woman's Wine Quote:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
 

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God's Children by Bill Cosby . . .

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was: "Don't".

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"
"Yes way!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh, " Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno" Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Submitted by Flo, Germantown, Md.
  

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A man was in a terrible accident and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. 

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small", $6500 for "medium", and $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before deciding. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" he asked.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.
  

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The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist . . .

"You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes" the mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" he asked.

"Who cares?" she replied.

Submitted by Tom, Willow Pond Farm, Fairfield, Pa.
 

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A Newlywed's Diary:

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Dan. Today I made Angel Food Cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Dan wanted fruit salad for dinner. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Dan brought a friend home for dinner.

Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Dan asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Which is what led up to Dan asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Dan did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some reason Dan keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Dan's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls to roast. It still came out like hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Goodnight, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Dan. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose."

Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Calif.
  

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Kids: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk . . . Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
  • Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
  • There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.
  • Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
  • Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
  • Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
  • The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
  • We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
  • Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Submitted by Jean, Spokane, Wa.
  

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The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

"You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

Submitted by Larry, Bethesda, Md.
  

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An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender . . .

. . .association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as she.

One of the students raised their hand and asked, "What 'gender' is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other. He asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

  • In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  • They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
  • They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
  • As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The Men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

  • No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
  • The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  • Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval
  • As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Submitted by Sister Wink, New York, NY
  

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A man was walking down a beach and saw a bottle floating in the surf.

He thought to himself, "Oh, message in a bottle." He took out the cork and out popped a genie. The genie said, "Thank you for releasing me. Now you may have 3 wishes -- however, I'm a special genie. I love my mother-in-law, so anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will receive double."

The man first asked for a million dollar house on the beach. Poof! A gorgeous house appeared. Just then -- POOF!! -- a house twice as big appeared next door and his mother-in-law was waving at him from the window.

He hurried inside to avoid her. As he was admiring his new house, he turned to the genie and said, "For my second wish, put $10 million on that table." Poof! There was so much money, it was falling off the table. Then POOF!! Next door, the money was flying out the windows and his mother-in-law got $20 million.

He was getting frustrated by this time and turned to the genie, "OK, let me get this straight. Whatever I wish for, my mother-in-law gets double." The genie said, "Yes, I'm the mother-in-law genie, and that's the way it works."

After scratching his head and thinking a bit, he suddenly turns to the genie and says, "OK, for my third wish,... beat me half to death!"

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.
  

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Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.

Unfortunately, when he gets to the stadium, he realizes his seat's in the the last row in the corner of the stadium. He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

A few moments later, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and walks all the way down, avoiding security guards to snatch the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the guy next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says, "No." Excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob shouts, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

Submitted by Andy, Poolesville, Md.
  

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A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out driving it at top speed . . .

. . . when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Submitted by Wink, New York, NY
  

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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"
 

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