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After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment...

... my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11.

Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now?"

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A wife  was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV.

Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season tickets."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away from the game.

Sarah said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?"

"Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar...

... who broke into his house the night before.

"Youíll get your chance in court." says the desk sergeant.

 "No, you don't understand!" says the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. Iíve been trying to do that for years!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot...

..., looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. "Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.

She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine ?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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I called my daughter long-distance just to say hello ...
  • ... She had had a particularly rough day with her two boys, then aged nine months and three years.  When I asked her how she was, she replied wearily, "I don't know, Mom. I keep hoping I'm just the baby-sitter and that their parents will come home soon."
     
  • Our daughter was filling us in on her date the night before. They had driven to a neighboring city for dinner. When her father asked her where the restaurant was located, she said, "You know, I really can't tell you. I was enjoying the ride, the company and the scenery, and all of a sudden we were there." "I understand perfectly," her father said. "That's exactly how your mother and I arrived at middle age!"

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
 

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One night a fellow drove his secretary home...

... after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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The Birth Order

Your Clothes:

  • 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
  • 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
  • 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

  • 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
  • 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
  • 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

  • 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
  • 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
  • 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

  • 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
  • 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
  • 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:

  • 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
  • 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
  • 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

  • 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
  • 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
  • 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

  • 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
  • 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
  • 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

  • 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
  • 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
  • 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

  • 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
  • 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
  • 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

  • 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
  • 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
  • 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

Submitted by Katie, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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As a resident physician in radiology..

... I was speaking with the man whose wife was about to receive a CAT scan of the chest.

While the nurse was placing the intravenous line, I asked the husband if his wife had undergone any other tests. The man named several procedures involving various body parts, but he couldn't remember one particular test.

Thinking out loud, he said, "What is that thing women have that men don't?"

His wife was quick to answer, "A brain, dear."
 

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A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove...

... seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well...as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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A hooded robber burst into a  bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
 

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Parenthood

  • If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
  • Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
  • The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
  • Avenge yourself live long enough to be a problem to your children.
  • The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.
  • Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
  • The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
  • Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.
  • Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
  • Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
  • There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
  • Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
  • Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
  • Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
  • An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

Submitted by Brian, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting.

It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.

The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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What it Really Means
  • "I can't find it," Really Means, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
  • "That's women's work," Really Means, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
  • "Will you marry me?" Really Means, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
  • "It's a guy thing," Really Means, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
  • "Can I help with dinner?" Really Means, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
  • "It would take too long to explain, "Really Means, "I have no idea how it works."
  • "I'm getting more exercise lately," Really Means, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
  • "We're going to be late," Really Means, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
  • "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "Really Means, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
  • "That's interesting, dear," Really Means, "Are you still talking?"
  • "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, Really Means, "I forgot our anniversary again."
  • "It's really a good movie," Really Means, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."
  • "You know how bad my memory is," Really Means, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
  • "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," Really Means, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
  • "I do help around the house," Really Means, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
  • "What did I do this time?" Really Means, "What did you catch me doing?"
  • "She's one of the rabid feminists," Really Means, "She refused to make my coffee."
  • "I heard you," Really Means, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
  • "You really look terrific in that outfit," Really Means, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
  • "I missed you," Really Means, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
  • "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," Really Means, "No one will ever see us alive again."
  • "We share the housework," Really Means, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
  • "I don't need to read the instructions," Really Means, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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After 50 years of marriage the couple was sitting at the dinner table...

... and the wife said to her husband: "After all these years of marriage I know that you are Tried and True."

He replied, "What did you say?"

She said in a louder voice: "After all these years of marriage I have learned that you are Tried and True."

He said: "Speak louder!"

She said in a louder voice: "After all these years of marriage I have learned that you are Tried and True."

He replied loudly: "Well, I'm tired of you too!!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota. 

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.  His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window. 

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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What Men Call their Women

What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means.....

  • Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.
  • Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
  • Sweetheart -- If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
  • Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
  • Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.
  • Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.
  • Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
  • My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!
  • The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
  • My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
  • The missus -- See The Wife.
  • My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
  • My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
  • She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house...

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When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper...

... posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Bald men believe that they are bald because:

  • Their hair falls out because their brain cells are so active

  • Their hair is just hiding from the trauma of the streets

  • Genetics has caused their head to be shiny so they can find their way in the dark

  • They do not need head hair to appear sexy

  • They can paint scary pictures there to frighten the kids

  • Sun glasses worn there are more intimidating

  • Itís harder to tell if the tan is fake or not

  • They are forever free of dandruff, nits and ringworm

  • Even at 80, they can say the they suffer from early onset alopecia

  • Their brain cells get all the vitamin D they need

  • Women look there before they look at the wrinkles

  • And best of all, they know it is a sign of excellent testosterone production.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia!
 

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Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
 

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Men are like ...

  • Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

  • Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

  • Men are like place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

  • Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

  • Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

  • Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken.

  • Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

  • Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

  • Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
  • Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

  • A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

  • Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

  • Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

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My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch...

... in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.

"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found."

I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.
 

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A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court...

... was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown. PA.
 

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Entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic.

First line, and the least romantic second line:

  • My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you has screwed up my life.
     
  • I see your face when I am dreaming.
    That's why I always wake up sweating and screaming.
     
  • Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    This describes everything that you are not.
     
  • I thought that I could love no other
    -- that is until, I met your brother.
     
  • Roses are red, violets are blue,
    sugar is sweet, and so are you.
     
  • But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
    the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
     
  • I want to feel your sweet embrace;
    But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
     
  • I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
    Damn, I'm good at telling you lies! 
     
  • My love, you take my breath away.
    What have you stepped in to smell this way?
     
  • What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Who said poetry is boring?

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
 

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Hello, my name is Quinn, and I'm nine months old.

This is powerful advice for all you babies out there. Parents, please leave now, or you will be punished. Okay, now that the minions are gone, let's get down to business.

Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your family's power structure? I'm here to tell you that all this can be a thing of the past. By following my ten simple rules, you'll be wearing the diaper and the pants in the family in no time!

Rule #1 - You have absolute power. 

Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe. Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have unlimited power over them.

Rule #2 - Cry.

Tears are your biggest asset in your arsenal against your parents. If you don't like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen seconds.

Rule #3 - Be cute.

This is your number one defense mechanism. You're going to pull a lot of crap most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you've just broken half the stuff in the house.

Rule #4 - Keep them weak.

I don't care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong parent, and that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more malleable to your intricate plans of global domination.

Rule #5 - Pee on them.

Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream of glory. This shows them who's boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can, aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent's clothes. This works well for those situations where they've put you in an embarrassing outfit, or they're in a hurry to get somewhere

Rule #6 - Make them carry you.

Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and there's two of them. They can carry you forever.

Rule #7 - Smack them around a little.

Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against the smile and laugh combination.

Rule #8 - Women and grandparents love babies.

Capturing this key demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate this segment of the population. Gramps will even let you watch the Spice channel if nobody else is around!

Rule #9 - Siblings exist for your amusement.

Your brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy antics, but the moment they get out of line with that "the baby gets all the attention" crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though. Make sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry, so your parent is alerted to your mortal danger.

Rule #10 - No private time.

This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least, private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new baby replacing you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all costs!

That's it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and fruitful reign as ruler of your household.

You have the power!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Signs Found In Kitchens

  • Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
  • Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
  • I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
  • So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
  • Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!
  • I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!
  • If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
  • I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
  • My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
  • A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
  • COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
  • I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
  • If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.
  • You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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I saw a new local ad campaign being run for the northern snow birds...

... by our county tourist board. Against a drop dead sunset beach picture, It reads:

Come to the SW coast of Florida this winter for your family vacation! It's got everything... Sand for the children, fishing galore for Dad, sun for the wife, and plenty of sharks for the mother-in-law.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Ten Commandments of Marriage
  • Commandment 1 - Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
  • Commandment 2 - If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
  • Commandment 3 - Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
  • Commandment 4 - Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
  • Commandment 5 - When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
  • Commandment 6 - Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
  • Commandment 7 - Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
  • Commandment 8 - Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
  • Commandment 9 - Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
  • Commandment 10 - Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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