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A guy was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck...

... and ended up in the hospital. His best friend came to visit him.

The guy struggles to tell his friend, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."

"What does she read?" The friend ask.

"My life insurance policy."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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My wife has not spoken to me in three days.

I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.
 

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A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion, and my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked..

"Czechoslovakia."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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My parents had not been out together in quite some time.

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.

"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed.

His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

Submitted by Layla, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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Telltale Signs of Being a Mother
  • Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor--and you don't care.
  • You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
  • Popsicle's become a food staple.
  • Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
  • You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
  • You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
  • You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
  • You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
  • You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
  • Your kid throws up and you catch it.
  • You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.
 

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Bob went over to his friend Joe's house and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife

He often told her how attractive she was, complimented her on her cooking and showered her with hugs and kisses.

"Gee," Bob remarked later, "you really make a big fuss over your wife".

"I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage and we couldn't be happier."

Inspired, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife and told her how much he loved her and said he wanted to hear all about her day. But she burst into tears. "Honey," Bob said, "whats' the matter?".

"This has been the worst day," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off his bike and broke his ankle, then the washing machine broke. Now to top it off, you come home drunk!".

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company

One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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While I was working in the men's section of a department store...

... a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child

At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.

We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change.

As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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A couple just started their Lamaze class...

.... and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Two men who haven't seen each other for many years meet on the street.

One asks the other how things have been.

"Wonderful, for a while," the other says. "I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, one day, poof! It was all gone."

"What a shame," the friend says. "What on Earth happened?"

Says the other man: "My wife found out."
 

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A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit...

... to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Women Quotes

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." Charlotte Whitton

"Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone". Lenny Bruce

"I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine." Mel Gibson

"I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against." David Niven

"One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money." Edgar Watson Howe

"Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both." Samuel Butler

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Application To Date My Daughter

NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

  1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________
  2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______ IQ: ________GPA: ______
  3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________ DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________
  4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________
  5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________ CITY: _________ ZIP ______
  6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain: _______________________________________________
  7. Number of years parents married: ___________
  8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATTOO? ____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY)
  9. In 50 words or less, what does "Late" mean to you?
  10. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
  11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
  12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week
  13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________
  14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely - all answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone - I promise):
    1. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the ____________
    2. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________
    3. A women's place is in the __________________
    4. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________
    5. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to "E" begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)
  15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________
  16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_____________________ Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now)

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife.

In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.

"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"

"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A US tourists in the Israel, Morris and his wife were sitting outside a souvenir shop..

... waiting for fellow tourists.  An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," Morris replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife.

He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"

"Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he said, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."

Morris looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked "Morris what took you so long to answer?

Morris replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Friday evening a notorious murderer has just escaped from Texas State Prison.

Police advise members of the public that they should not approach him at any costs, but report any sightings to their nearest police station.

Saturday afternoon, the convict surrender himself to police.

When asked why he gave himself up after his first taste of freedom for twelve years, the con replied, "When I finally got home, the first thing my wife asked me was, 'Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago'."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England 
 

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A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Four Horse".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,

"Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag!"

Submitted by Franklin, Placerville, California
 

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14 Simple test before you decide to have children:

Test 1 Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

  • Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
  • Leave it there.
  • After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

  • Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
  • Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
  • Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge:  Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.  Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 - Nights.  To discover how the nights will feel:

  • Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
  • At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
  • Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
  • Set the alarm for 3am.
  • As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
  • Go to bed at 2.45am.
  • Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
  • Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
  • 9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
  • 10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

  • Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
  • Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

  • Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
  • Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
  • Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
  • Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
  • Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk

  • Wait.
  • Go out the front door.
  • Come back in again.
  • Go out.
  • Come back in again.
  • Go out again.
  • Walk down the front path.
  • Walk back up it.
  • Walk down it again.
  • Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
  • Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
  • Retrace your steps.
  • Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
  • Give up and go back into the house.
  •  
  • You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7 - Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

  • Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
  • Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
  • Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

  • Hollow out a melon.
  • Make a small hole in the side.
  • Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side.
  • Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
  • Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
  • Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 - TV

  • Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
  • Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess - Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

  • Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
  • Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
  • Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
  • Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

  • Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly.

Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.

  • Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations

  • Start talking to an adult of your choice.
  • Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work

  • Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
  • Put on your finest work attire.
  • Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it.
  • Stir.
  • Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
  • Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
  • Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.
  • Do not change (you have no time).
  • Go directly to work

Submitted by Layla, Frederick, Md.
 

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A dad picked him up from school one afternoon.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.   The son enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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