My Little Sister's Jokes > List of Marriage Jokes > Page: 12 | 13 | Next

My Little Sister's Jokes is happily maintained
 by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

Help us build our joke and story bank.
E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net


 
After going through Lamaze classes with his expectant wife...

..., the proud new father remained by his wife's bedside throughout labor and delivery.

Wanting to be as sympathetic as possible, he took his wife's hand afterward and said emotionally, "Tell me how it was, darling, how it actually felt to give birth."

"Okay, honey," his wife replied.

"Smile as hard as you can."

Beaming down beautifully at his wife and newborn child, the man commented, "That's not so hard."

She continued, "Now stick a finger in each corner of your mouth."

He obeyed, smiling broadly.

"Now stretch your lips as far as they'll go," she went on.

"Still not too tough," he remarked.

"Right," she snapped. "Now pull them over your head."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him.

He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiancé, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


A man charges into a bank wearing a ski mask and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor !!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his ski mask. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
 
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. 'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
 
There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner..
 
'I think my wife caught a glimpse....'

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You’re beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said," You’re cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice...

 "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion...

..., multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what a happened. 

“Well, it was like this,’ said the man.  “I was having a quite round of golf with my wife when a at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows has something white in its rear end.” 

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was the gold ball with my wife’s monogram on it … stuck right in the middle of the Cow’s butt.  That’s when I made my mistake.” 

‘What did you do?” asks the doctor. 

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey this looks like Yours!”

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


After the sermon was over, one member of the congregation had lingered...

... after the other members had shook hands with the minister on their way out. The minister recognized the young man as one whom he had married a couple of months before.

As the young man shook hands with the minister, he asked, "Reverend, do you believe someone should profit from the mistakes of others?"

"Certainly not," replied the preacher.

"Well, in that case, could I have the $50 back that I gave you for marrying me?"
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


A guy in a bar was talking about how he always watched his wedding video backwards.

When asked why, he replied:

"Coz I love the end bit where she takes the ring off her finger, goes back down the aisle, and jumps in the car and disappears..."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Pa.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork.

The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the heck out of college students!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together...

... it was the husband who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his wife, "Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him, "OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field.

Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, Blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, and a halter top . What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter . Let's look for yours."

Submitted by my Little Sister, Anna, Merion, Pa.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


By all Means... Marry!
  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette
  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry
  • After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi
  • By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
  • Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas
  • The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud
  • I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous
  • "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
  • A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman
  • "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison
  • "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran
  • "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray
  • Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash
  • The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it ONCE... Anonymous
  • You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle
  • A son asked his Dad how much it costs to get married. His Dad replied: "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.

Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


Difference between Men and Women

Names

  • If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
  • If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

Eating Out

  • When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
  • When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

Bathrooms

  • A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
  • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Arguments

  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
  • Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

  • Women love cats.
  • Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Future

  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success

  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MArraige

  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Dressing Up

  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
  • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring

  • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray...

... and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


At a marriage seminar held by the local Catholic church...

..., the Priest, after congratulating Luigi on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I've-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!"

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


Red Skelton's Recipe for the Perfect Marriage
  • Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
  • We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas .
  • I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.
  • I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
  • We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  • She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
  • My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
  • She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
  • She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" . The driver said "No, jump in!"
  • Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  • I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
  • The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes


Why Guys Can't Win
  • If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
    If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
     
  • If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
    If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
     
  • If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
    If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
     
  • If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
    If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
     
  • If you cry, you're a wimp.
    If you don't, you're insensitive.
     
  • If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
    If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
     
  • If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
    If she asks you, it's a favor.
     
  • If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
    If you don't, you're a slob.
     
  • If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
    If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
     
  • If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
    If you're not, you're not ambitious.
     
  • If she has a headache, she's tired.
    If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
 

Go to page 14 of Jokes About Marriage

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes