She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him, "OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, Blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, and a halter top . What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter . Let's look for yours."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

Names

• If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
• If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

Eating Out

• When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

Bathrooms

• A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Arguments

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

• Women love cats.
• Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Future

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MArraige

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Dressing Up

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I've-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!"

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."

• Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
• We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas .
• I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.
• I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
• She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
• My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
• She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
• She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" . The driver said "No, jump in!"
• Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
• The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

• If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
  If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
   
• If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
  If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
   
• If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
  If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
   
• If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
  If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
   
• If you cry, you're a wimp.
  If you don't, you're insensitive.
   
• If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
  If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
   
• If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
  If she asks you, it's a favor.
   
• If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
  If you don't, you're a slob.
   
• If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
  If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
   
• If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
  If you're not, you're not ambitious.
   
• If she has a headache, she's tired.
  If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says: "Perfect timing. You're just like Stevie"

"Who?" says the man.

"Stevie Jones. He was a guy who did everything right. Like my taxi being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened for Stevie."

"Well no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody," the man replies.

"Not Stevie," says cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have turned professional at golf or tennis and he danced like a West End star. He was handsome and sophisticated, more than George Clooney. He had a better body than Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. He was something!"

"Somehow Stevie just new exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continues.

"He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him!" says the man.

"I never actually met Stevie," admits cabbie.

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks the man.

"After he died I married his wife."

Suddenly, a huge buck walked out to the corn they had spread in the shrub. The buck was magnificent -- a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as he was already counting the Boone and Crockett points. Moving quietly but quickly, the hunter carefully aimed his .30-30 Winchester at the unsuspecting buck..

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on his deer of a lifetime, his friend whispered that a funeral procession was passing slowly down the highway. The hunter pulled away from the stock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned. 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I've ever seen you do. You let a trophy deer get away to pay your respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the most sensitive man I have ever known, and I'm proud to call you my friend.'

The hunter shrugged. 'Well, we were married for 37 years.

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation ( the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!!!

DAY ONE----

• Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
• Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handfull of potato chips, and a glass of milk ( 3 sips only, then spill the rest)
• Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
• Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor...........

DAY TWO-----

• Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
• Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handfull of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
• Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker untill sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
• Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE-----

• Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair.
• Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
• Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handfull of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY----

• Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar.. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
• Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your member was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen."

• she is not a "babe" or a "chick" - she is a "breasted American."
• She is not "easy" - she is "horizontally accessible."
• She is not a "dumb blonde" - she is a "light-haired detour off the information superhighway."
• She has not "been around" - she is a "previously-enjoyed companion."
• She does not "nag" you - she becomes "verbally repetitive."
• She is not a "two-bit hooker" - she is a "low cost provider."

How to speak about men and be politically correct:

• He does not have a "beer gut" - he has developed a "liquid grain storage facility."
• He is not a "bad dancer" - he is "overly Caucasian."
• He does not "get lost all the time" - he "investigates alternative destinations"
• He is not "balding" - he is in "follicle regression."
• He does not act like a "total ass" - he develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion."
• It's not his "crack" you see hanging out of his pants - it's "rear cleavage."

"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."

• It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks. She's not marrying the best man.
• They have come up with a perfect understanding. He won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either.
• He believes that marriage and a career don't mix. So after the wedding, he plans to quit his job.
• After the wedding ceremony was over, a little girl asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another."
• They had a dispute about a night out with the boys. But, he finally decided to let her go.
• He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."

"Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you."

"Fair to both us!" exploded Mrs. LaMay. "I could have done that myself. What do you think I hired a lawyer for?"

• Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
  Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
   
• Man discovered colors, invented painting.
  Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
   
• Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
  Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
   
• Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
  Woman discovered food, invented diet.
   
• Man discovered friendship, invented love.
  Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
   
• Man discovered trade, invented money.
  Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."