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A lawyer is speaking to his son about ethics.

"Suppose son, that one day a gentleman comes into my office with a simple question. Upon answering the man's question, I charge him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a simple question but agrees to pay. The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand.  Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me two $100.00 bills.

Now the ethical question:  Do I share that money with my partner?"

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
  

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The madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charged $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereafter the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, and the two went up to the room. An hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the of the hour, Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who live there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your mother's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."

Some things in life are certain: Taxes, death, and being screwed by an attorney.
  

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An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, "You're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is welcomed. Soon, the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell; he begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And, there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me."

"Not a chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists, "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co 
  

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A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. 

The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the
coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney."

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.
  

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Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? . . .

. . . They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

  • How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
  • How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
  • How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
  • How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
  • How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
  • If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
  • What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
  • What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
  • What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
  • What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton.
  • What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
  • What does a lawyer use for birth-control? His personality.
  • What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
  • What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
  • What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wingtips.
  • What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
  • Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.
  • Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
  

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A very unpopular but powerful lawyer died. 

Two of his "friends" saw the obituary notice and decided to go to his funeral. When they arrived, they found the church very crowded.

"My heavens!" said one. "Look at all these people. How do you explain it?"

"Well," said the other, "Give people what they want and they will all show up."
  

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Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their team's response times.

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
 

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After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization . . .

. . . the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live. He immediately called his two lawyers to his room. He asked them to each stand by one side of his bed.

After standing for some time, the first lawyer asked, "What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing. Just stand there."

A while later, the second lawyer asked, "What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing. Just stand there."

As the hours wore on, both the lawyers watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, they again asked, "Why are we standing here?"

"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
 

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A lawyer named Mr. Strange was shopping for a tombstone. 

After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave."

Mr. Strange was not amused by the stonecutter's attempt at humor and asked if he had another suggestion.

The stonecutter said, "I could write, 'Here lies an honest lawyer'."

The lawyer protested, "But that won't tell people who it was."

"It most certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read, 'Here lies an honest lawyer' and exclaim, 'That's Strange!'"

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
  

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A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: 

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.

"What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
 

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Once upon a time, in a nice little forest . . .

. . . there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going; and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, don't even know what I am."

"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement."
Maybe I could feel you with my paw and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician or an attorney.
 

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More lawyer one-linerís
  • Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.
  • Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
  • How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.
  • How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
  • If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read your newspaper?
  • What is the worst thing that a terrorist who hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers can do? Threaten to release one every hour if his demands were not met.
  • What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
  • What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
  • What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? Pronunciation.
  • What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is an insect, the other is a bloodsucking parasite.
  • Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice.
  • Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
 

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Materialism: Exhibit A:

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
  

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They're things people actually said in court, word for word. 

Q: What is your date of birth? 
A: July fifteenth. 
Q: What year? 
A: Every year. 

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the crash impact? 
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral. 

Q: How old is your son--the one living with you. 
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you? 
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? 
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you ? 
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident? 
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499? 
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. 

Q: Sir, what is your IQ? 
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. 

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? 
A: After the accident? 
Q: Before the accident. 

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo? 
A: We do. 
Q: You do? 
A: Yes, voodoo. 

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? 
A: Yes. 
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir. 
Q: What did she say? 
A: What disco am I at?

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: 

  • Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
  • Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? 
  • Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
  • Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? 
  • Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
  • Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
  • Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
  • Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None. 
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir. 
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
 

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Lawyer One Liners 
  • Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?  It's called "Sosumi".
  • Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?  They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
  • How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.
  • How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
  • How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
  • How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three.  The rest are true stories.
  • How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to climb the ladder.  One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
  • If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them would you go to lunch or read your newspaper?
  • What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.
  • What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?  He threatened to release one every hour if his demands were not met.
  • What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common? They are both extinct.
  • What do lawyers and sperm have in common? It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.
  • What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?  Not enough cement.
  • What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? A round of Skeet.
  • What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
  • What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
  • What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
  • What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.
  • What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
  • What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.
  • What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? The prostitute stops screwing you after you are dead.
  • What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
  • What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
  • Where can you find a good lawyer? The nearest cemetery.
  • Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice.
  • Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.

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A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. 

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win.
 

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A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. . .

. .   .. A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the pearly gates, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you!"

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the attorney sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" 

The lawyer is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty." 

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
 

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As reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, this is a line of questioning that actually occurred:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Doctor: "No."

"Did you check for breathing?"

"No." "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

"No."

"How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

"It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Submitted by Dave H, Bolder, Colo.
 

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