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You've Been in College Too Long When...
  • You consider McDonald's "real food."
  • You actually like doing laundry at home.
  • 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.
  • It starts getting late on the weeknights.
  • Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
  • You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.
  • You'd rather clean than study.
  • Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
  • Computer Solitaire is more than a game, it's a way of life.
  • You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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One-liners to make you smile
  • I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  • Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • I'm not a complete idiot - - Some parts are just missing
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
  • NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
  • God must love stupid people; He made so many.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
  • Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
  • Procrastinate Now!
  • I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
  • Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
  • They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
  • He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
  • Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • The trouble with life is there's no background music.
  • The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
  • I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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Gentle Thoughts for Today

  • Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then crap on your car.
  • A penny saved is a government oversight.
  • The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'
  • If you think there is good in everybody, you
  • haven't met everybody.
  • If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  • There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
  • Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs'.
  • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
  • Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
  • You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
  • Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Submitted by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Bumper Snickers
  • I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
  • I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
  • Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3
  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
  • Fight crime – Shoot back
  • Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
  • Clear the Road I AM SIXTEEN
  • He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
  • I got this motor home for my wife. Best deal I ever made
  • Hang up and drive.
  • If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Over… [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
  • If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Funny Messages to Send via Twitter
  • The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
  • I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.
  • Crime doesn’t pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?
  • Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
  • I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
  • Any woman that thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
  • What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
  • I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
  • When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
  • Never forget that you’re unique, just like everyone else.
  • I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
  • What do u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna come.
  • I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  • Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
  • If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
  • Born Free… Taxed to Death.
  • We will now upgrade your brain, please wait… searching… searching… still searching… sorry NO BRAIN found.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The Philosophy of Life
  • Life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
  • The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
  • Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
  • Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
  • Life not only begins at forty; it begins to show.
  • You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
  • It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
  • Age is important only if you are cheese and wine.
  • The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
  • Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Why, Why, Why?
  • Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
  • Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
  • Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  • Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
  • Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  • If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
  • Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
  • Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
  • Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
  • Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
  • How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
  • When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
  • Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
  • In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer when we complained about the heat?
  • How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Wise Sayings on Government
  • In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a Congress. -- John Adams
  • If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain
  • Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
  • I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill
  • A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
  • A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy
  • Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard
  • Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey
  • Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke
  • Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat
  • Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan
  • I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
  • If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. -- P.J. O'Rourke
  • In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire
  • Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
  • No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain
  • Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous
  • The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan
  • The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill
  • The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain
  • The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer
  • There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress. -- Mark Twain

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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Twisters ...
  • Time wounds all heels
  • A varsity makes strange bedfellows
  • Beauty is in the aye of the beholder
  • Nothing fractured nothing sprained
  • A bad excuse is better for a corporation
  • An army marches on our stomach
  • The age of miracles is a pest
  • Absence makes the heart grow yonder
  • After a storm comes a clam
  • The best things in life are freed
  • The bigger they are the harder they bawl
  • The customer was always right
  • Confess and be hanged, or ask the government for money
  • Half the truth is a good lie
  • From shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations (of investors)
  • Forewarned is forearmed (for insider traders)
  • Beauty is only kin deep
  • Every man to his tirade
  • In for a penny, in for a pounding
  • Necessity is the invention of mother
  • Hope for the best and prepare for the wurst
  • The more you fund it the worse it stinks
  • One good serve returns another

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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How To Tell If Your Spouse Was on "Survivor".
  • Will only eat termites and leeches for breakfast.
  • Gets out of bed by using a grapevine.
  • Prefers to be dirty instead of clean.
  • Is suspicious of all that sits around him/her.
  • Does not believe in taxes, Wal-Mart or Bush or Obama.
  • Has read all of the Tarzan books, starting "Lord of The Flies".
  • Can do wonders with a block of wood and dental floss.
  • No time for lovemaking, got to build that hut in the living room.
  • Hopes to lose all of your savings so that he/she can guest on Letterman.
  • Will vote for complete Bull Moose slate in the next election.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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If only….
  • Germany had stuck to making toys
  • England had stuck to making ships
  • America had stuck to making musicals
  • Italy had stuck to making opera
  • France had stuck to making wine
  • Cuba had stuck to making cigars
  • Russia had stuck to making vodka
  • Japan had stuck to making tourists
  • China had stuck to making rituals
  • The Middle East had stuck to making history
  • India had stuck to making curry
  • And Australia had stuck to making nothing,

Wouldn't the World Be a Happier Place?

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers
  • Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
  • Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
  • Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
  • Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
  • Stock up and save. Limit: one.
  • Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale
  • 3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
  • Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
  • Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
  • Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
  • For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
  • Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
  • We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
  • For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
  • Great Dames for sale.
  • Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Who said That?
  • Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jim my Carter)
  • I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt
  • Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
  • The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
  • Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
  • Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
  • By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
  • My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
  • I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
  • My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield
  • Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
  • Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath
  • I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
  • I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields
  • We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
  • Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
  • Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller
  • By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, PA.

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Music Appreciation

Two elderly ladies attend an outdoor classic music concert. It's nice, but they don't know the names of the pieces, and cannot find a program. Then as the chorus and orchestra join together for some Handel, one says "Look, dear, there's a notice next to the stage. Maybe that's the program."

So her friend struggles to her feet, goes and looks at the notice, comes back with a big smile and says. "You were right! It's the refrain from 'spitting'."

Husband and wife are in the butcher's, who always has classic music playing. They're looking at the cuts of meat trying to decide what to get, when the wife looks up, motioning with her head to the speaker on the wall and says "What's that?"

"The Tales of Hoffman," replies the butcher.

The husband, still staring at the display, says "You know how to cook those?"

A young opera lover says to his girlfriend, "I'd love to see Madame Butterfly."

The friend, who is prepared to give him some leeway, replies, "Well, if you want. But only if her husband's home."

"I see 'The Flying Dutchman' is coming soon."

"Oh, Good! I love Andre Rieu."

As they walk up the path, a couple in their smartest clothes are asked by their nosey neighbor, "Well, look at you two! And where are we going this evening?"

"Off to Mozart's 40th," replies the wife.

"Isn't that lovely. Give him my best wishes. Friend of your son's, is he?"

Eight-year-old Granddaughter is taken to The Magic Flute. On the way home she's asked, "Did you like that?"

"Oh, yes, it was lovely, but different to what I imagined."

"Why? What did you think it would be like?"

"I thought it would have something to do with what mum says when she has champagne. She says she pours it into her magic flute. "

"We had music appreciation at school today."

"Was it good?"

"Yeah, not bad. We had music by Bert Hogan."

"Never heard of him. What kind of stuff does he write?"

"Classics, of course. You know, the piece that starts d d d dah…."

After listening to Schoenberg's 'transfigured night', the spouse says "I get it. He was on LSD"

Submitted by classical music lover Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia!

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New Stock Market Terms
  • CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
  • CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
  • Bull Market -- a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
  • Bear Market -- a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
  • allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband sleeps alone.
  • Value investing -- the art of buying low and selling lower.
  • P/E Ratio -- the percentage of investors wetting their pants
  • as the market keeps crashing.
  • Broker -- what my broker has made me.
  • Standard & Poor -- your life in a nutshell.
  • Stock Analyst -- idiot who just downgraded your stock.
  • Stock Split -- when your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
  • assets equally between themselves.
  • Financial Planner -- a guy whose phone has been disconnected.
  • Market Correction -- the day after you buy stocks.
  • Cash Flow-- the movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
  • Yahoo! -- what you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
  • Windows -- what you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought yahoo @ $240 per share.
  • Institutional Investor -- past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
  • Profit -- an archaic word no longer in use.

Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.

Go to page 32 of Humorous Saying

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