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Best Bumper Stickers of 1999 (How many have you seen?)
  • God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends
  • My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
  • Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
  • (Spotted on a passing motorcycle)
  • If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
  • I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now
  • Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping
  • What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
  • Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich
  • Liberal Arts Major. Will Think for Food
  • Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen
  • Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
  • If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen
  • First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed
  • In Dog Years, I'm Dead
  • Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
  • If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
  • The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard
  • Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade
  • Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
  • I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
  • Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well
  • A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night
  • First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
  • Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
  • In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take
  • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
  • BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
  • So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
  • I need someone real bad... Are you real bad?
  • BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • All men are idiots... and I married their king.
  • The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
  • I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
  • Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
  • Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
  • Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  • Hang up and drive.
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...
  • Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • NEBRASKA: At least the cows are sane.
  • God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
  • I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
    Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
  • Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • Where there's a will..I want to be in it.
  • It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
  • HONK ... If You Want To See My Finger
  • Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
  • God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
  • I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
  • I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
  • Keep honking while I reload.
  • Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
  • Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
  • Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
  • 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
  • EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
  • If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
  • If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
  • Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
  • Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
  • Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
  • My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
  • Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
  • Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
  • If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
  • Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

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Real classified ads found in newspapers . .
  • Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
  • Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
  • Free puppies...part German shepherd part stupid dog
  • Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... Been out awhile.. Better be reward.
  • Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
  • Snow blower for sale... Only used on snowy days.
  • 2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
  • Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800
  • Cows, calves never bred... Also 1 gay bull for sale.
  • 83 Toyota hunchback - $2000
  • Star wars job of the hut - $15
  • Soft & genital bath tissues or facial tissue 89 cents
  • Full sized mattress. 20 yr. Warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
  • Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bath home.
  • Nordic track $300 hardly used, call chubbie
  • Bill's septic cleaning "we haul American made products"
  • Shakespeare's pizza free chopsticks
  • Hummels largest selection ever "if it's in stock, we have it!"
  • Get a little john: the traveling urinal holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
  • Harrisburg postal employees gun club
  • Georgia peaches California grown 89 cents lb.
  • Nice parachute: never opened used once slightly stained
  • Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
  • American flag 60 stars pole included $100
  • Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 per hour.
  • Exercise equipment: queen size mattress & box springs $175.
  • Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian leather.
  • Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $300.
  • Lawyer says client is not that guilty.
  • Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember
  • Gas cloud clears out taco bell.
  • Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee & donuts
  • Kellogg's pot tarts $1.99 box
  • Fully cooked boneless smoked man $2.09 lb.
  • For sale by owner complete set of encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
  • Ground beast: 99 cents lb.

Submitted by Lisa, Mt. Airy, Md.

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Great Sports Quotes
  • Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
  • New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
  • And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
  • Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
  • Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
  • Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."
  • Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
  • Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys lineup, alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
  • Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
  • Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
  • Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes."
  • Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece:"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
  • Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
  • Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is".
  • "Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)
  • Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)
  • Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)
  • Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)
  • Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)
  • Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
  • (1991) Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)
  • Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
  • Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)
  • Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)
  • Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)
  • Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Submitted by Tim, Somewhere in Ohio

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Mathematics over the Years

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M" Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M", and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:A company out sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000,had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999:A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people was trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. At 00:01, 01/01/2000 his cell door automatically opened and he escaped. Should he be allowed to log again? Maybe this should be renamed "progress" ? ?

Teaching Math in 2000:In order to clear over grown forest, the U.S. Forest Service sets the forest on fire. A process they call Prescribed Burn. The fire gets out of control and burns peoples homes and threatens a Nuclear Development Center. The Tax payer has to pay to fight the fire. Would logging this area have been a better solution????

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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Restroom words of wisdom
  • Schizophrenia beats being alone.
  • If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
  • You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.
  • You will learn a lot today.
  • A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
  • Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh
  • Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
  • Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
  • All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
  • Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires
  • I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.
  • I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words. But it uses up a thousand times the memory
  • The Meek shall inherit the earth.. ...after we're through with it.
  • If a thing is worth doing, It would have been done already
  • Two can live as cheaply as one ... for half as long.
  • Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
  • The buck doesn't even slow down here. So keep on going.
  • Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
  • How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
  • Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
  • Jesus loves you It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  • Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.
  • The trouble with life is there's no background music.
  • I was only looking at your name tag, honest!
  • When blondes have more fun do they know it?
  • Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
  • Jesus is coming! Look Busy.
  • We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
  • Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
  • Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.
  • My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat
  • Is reading in the bathroom considered multitasking?

Submitted by Dave. Bolder, Co.

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Things you can't say with a Hallmark
  • "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the was I thinking"
  • "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
  • "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
  • "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!"
  • "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
  • "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
  • "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
  • "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday- so we're having you put to sleep."

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
  1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
  2.  Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
  3. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
  4. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
  5. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
  6. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
  7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
  8. Hi. Now YOU say something.
  9. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

  1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back!

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Lessons I've learned...
  • I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
  • I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
  • I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
  • I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others, they are more screwed up than you think.
  • I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
  • I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
  • I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
  • I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
  • I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
  • I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
  • I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.

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Things you’ll never hear a mother say
  • "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?" 
  • "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too" 
  • "Just leave all the lights makes the house look more cheery"
  • "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
  • "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
  • "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
  • "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
  • "I don't have a tissue with me...just use your sleeve"
  • "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."

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Did you ever wonder . . .
  • If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
  • Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
  • What do chickens think we taste like?
  • What do you call a male ladybug?
  • What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
  • When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
  • Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  • Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
  • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
  • Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
  • Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
  • How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
  • Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
  • If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
  • If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
  • If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
  • If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
  • Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
  • Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
  • Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  • What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
  • Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  • If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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How to Speak about Women and Be Politically Correct
  • She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
  • She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
  • She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
  • She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
  • She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED
  • She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
  • She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
  • She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
  • She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
  • She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
  • She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

How to speak about a man and be politically correct

  • He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
  • He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
  • He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He has a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL

Submitted by Sharon, Unionville, Pa. 

Go to page 4 of Humorous Saying

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