• CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
• CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
• Bull Market -- a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
• Bear Market -- a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
• allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband sleeps alone.
• Value investing -- the art of buying low and selling lower.
• P/E Ratio -- the percentage of investors wetting their pants
• as the market keeps crashing.
• Broker -- what my broker has made me.
• Standard & Poor -- your life in a nutshell.
• Stock Analyst -- idiot who just downgraded your stock.
• Stock Split -- when your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
• assets equally between themselves.
• Financial Planner -- a guy whose phone has been disconnected.
• Market Correction -- the day after you buy stocks.
• Cash Flow-- the movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
• Yahoo! -- what you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
• Windows -- what you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought yahoo @ $240 per share.
• Institutional Investor -- past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
• Profit -- an archaic word no longer in use.

• Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
• Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
• For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
• A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
• If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.
• You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
• If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

You have had a hard day, so you sit in the easy chair ready for television and then......

• A large television crew knocks on the door with a big cardboard check and a van with "Publisher's Shifty Magazine Outlet House" on it, and you doze off instead.
• A bulletin comes up on the television saying that your car model has been recalled for unexplained explosions while parked in a garage.
• Your dog gets stuck under the foot rest of your raised recliner and starts yelping.
• You notice that the toilet is running for the past two hours.
• A telemarketer calls and tells you that for only $15 a month, you could have dental root canal insurance.
• Both of your cats decide to have a fight on your lap.
• As you doze off, you hear about a fire in your town, and then you realize that burning house is yours.
• Your radio finishes its program of "Musical Meditations" and now it's time for the ""Steel Drum Rap Hour".
• Your last beer explodes in the fridge.
• Your football game between the Vikings and the Forty-Niners has been cancelled due to no fan interest.

Newspaper Headlines with Double Meanings

• March Planned For Next August
• L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide
• Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
• Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
• Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
• Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

• Our city limits signs are both on the same post!
• The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell
• The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch
• The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2
• The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions
• The phone book has only one page
• There's nothing doing every minute
• The ZIP code was a fraction
• Second Street is in the next town over
• There's no place to go that you shouldn't
• A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes
• The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog
• The New Year's baby was born in October

• Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
• It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• For every action, there is an equal & opposite government program.
•  If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
• Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)
• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
• No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind & narrowness of the waist change places.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• Junk is something you've kept for years & throw away three weeks before you need it.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
• Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
• If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.

• As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is frowning and wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-Shirt.
• The Captain announces over the intercom the Flight is delayed while he looks for his keys.
• The Airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot, and drinking something from inside brown paper bags.
• The Ground Crew are seen using pennies to check tyre wear
• A man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airline's C.E.O.
• A voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft at all times, while the plane is in motion.
• Jumper Cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.
• A man in clerical garb walks thru the plane, sprinkles all the passengers with water, mumbling something in Latin & exits.
• A telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower.

• There is a spittoon next to the podium
• The oboe player’s last job was doing duck calls at a skeet shooting match.
• The blond violin player was named first chair, so that the rest of the orchestra could continually ogle at her in the front.
• The conductor’s last job was on the Baltimore and Ohio. Before that, he went to technician’s school to see if he could also conduct electricity.
• The timpanist is famous for his stick technique and his kettle chili bake-offs during the concert.
• The audience came to the concert when they were promised free beer in the lobby and a pinup picture of Loren Maazel.
• They found wormwood in the double basses, and a transvestite in the soprano sax section.
• The orchestra was promised a road trip in the suburbs. They got a concert smack dab in the middle of the I-40 and US-36 cloverleaf. Three cabdrivers attended it along with two fifth grade classes who were on the way to a zoo fieldtrip, and a plague of locusts.
• The music of Bach, Beethoven and Brahms was replaced by Schwartz, Tinglehoff and Max the wonderdog.
• At the last concert, the conductor, Yorky Snuggle beat the orchestra three falls to none. Snuggle will go on and take on the Albany Philharmonic in the playoffs.

• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
• I had amnesia once -- or twice.
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
• Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
• All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
• If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
• What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
• Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
• Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
• My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
• How can there be self-help 'groups'?
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
• Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

• They invite you to the dealership with flowers and candy and two tickets to the roller derby..
• That car is the only one left in the showroom.
• Trouble: The keys are missing, so they teach you how to hotwire.
• The hood is a different color than the rest of the car. In fact a faint hint of lettering "Taxi" can been seen on the yellow part.
• Two salesmen are wooing you at the same time, and the finance manager has baked you a cake.
• The owner of the dealership is inviting you to dinner at his club.
• There are doilies covering the urine stains in the middle of the back seat.
• You are offered what you paid for your car in trade.
• The usual 30-day guarantee has been replaced with a handshake with crossed fingers.
• The dealer is out of business the second you bought the car and is driving it away. When you return it's "Joe's Dollar Store".

You Know You've Booked a Cheap Flight When?

• As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is frowning and wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-Shirt.
• The Captain announces over the intercom the Flight is delayed while he looks for his keys.
• The Airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot, and drinking something from inside brown paper bags.
• The Ground Crew are seen using pennies to check tyre wear
• A man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airline's C.E.O.
• A voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft at all times, while the plane is in motion.
• Jumper Cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.
• A man in clerical garb walks thru the plane, sprinkles all the passengers with water, mumbling something in Latin & exits.
• A telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower.

• Why is abbreviated such a long word?
• Why does monosyllabic have five syllables?
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
• Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
• Why do they call it a building? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a built?
• Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• If price and worth mean the same thing, why priceless and worthless are opposites?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Is it possible to be totally partial?

• Fido is dressed in an Uncle Sam costume.
• He is outside waving the flag even when a short "parade" of garbage trucks pass by.
• His wife's maiden name was Betsy Ross.
• He pays his taxes, and even advances the government a little for the next year.
• He constantly calls his Congressman and offers him advice--sometimes twice a day.
• He eats the Senate Bean Soup every day at lunch.
• He publishes a newsletter and puts one next to your mailbox every day.
• His stereo blares several renditions of "God Bless America" and "The Star Spangled Banner" out the window on the hour from 6 am to 12 am daily.
• He stands before a holiday crowd and recites old Millard Fillmore speeches over a loudspeaker.
• He eats only American cheese, Yankee Pot Roast, K-Rations, and of course, the supreme American canned meat--Spam.

• The usual main star of the show is now called "a special guest- star".
• There are more commercials for drugs and medications than there is show content.
• The sponsors have left the show--all there is left are public service rowboat safety spots.
• You suddenly realize that the episode this week was the same as the one last week.
• You start seeing old reruns of "Roller Derby Babes" in the place of the crime/doctor drama you wanted.
• This week, it is on Tuesday. Next week it is on Thursday. Then the next week it is on Monday and Thursday.
• Suddenly it is put on against reruns of "My Mother, The Car".
• You realize that the blooper show you were watching was an actual episode of your show.
• It was decided that dead airspace was better than running new episodes of your show.
• Your show was being sponsored by Enron, Trac Auto and Worldcom.

• He is representing some new companies, like Little Billy’s Funds, Rosie O'Donnell's Magazines Ltd, or the presidential campaign of Rudy Guiliani.
• He keeps returning your phone calls from different area codes—like from California, China, Borneo, Sri Lanka and Brooklyn.
• You have discovered that all of your prospectuses are from companies controlled by the heirs of Edi Amin.
• Then he sends you money, the colored dye in the Twenty Dollar Bills keep rubbing off.
• Every time he visits you, he has a nicer car.
• A cell phone call from someone named Abdul repeatedly interrupts him
• When he visits you, he constantly takes stock in the artwork you have on the walls, the Persian Rugs on the floor, and the age of your eldest daughter. 8. He brags about winning company financed vacations to Buenos Aires.
• The first time he came to your house, he said that his wife's name was Becky, the next time it was Sandy. The last time he said that he had never been married.
• On his last hunting trip with rich clients, three of them got lost and never returned.
• He calls and tells you that he is getting out of finance and found a lucrative career being a church pastor in French Equatorial Africa.
• He's just become an investment counselor to Martha Stewart.
• He wants to turn your proceeds from your old life insurance policy into salvaging old quartz movements from ten-dollar Wal-Mart wristwatches.
• Every time you see him, he is in some new South Moroccan disguise claiming to be an heir of Prince—or at least the one who used to say he was Prince.
• You caught him on the Internet sending messages offering a part-time job to anyone who would send him their name, address, social security number and the whereabouts of their bank account to a blind email site in Kenya.

• Lightning never strikes the same place twice. True. The second time the place just aint the same anymore.
• It's an ill wind that blows no one some good. True. It blows a doctor, he can charge for fixing it.
• There's no fool like an old fool. True. They've practiced all their life.
• There's many a slip 'tween the cup and the lip. True. They're called breathalyzers.
• When one door closes another door opens. True. In China.
• An apple a day keeps the doctor away. True. If they're very green, he's away all day.
• Don't count your chickens till they've hatched. True. Then find out what they've hatched.
• Necessity is the mother of invention. True. And it's father's called Gripe.
• Never look a gift horse in the mouth. True. It might have halitosis.
• A stitch in time saves nine. True. For anything else, buy a new one.
• You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. True. Especially if it's into philosophy.
• You cannot judge a person by the company they keep. True. Anything else is good.

"Have you ever noticed Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneris

"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." - Billiam Coronel

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away ?
4. you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

Answers

• Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
• The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
• Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
• Every time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie.
• The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
• Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
• The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7' was selected after the original 7-ounce containers and 'UP' for the direction of the bubbles.
• 101 Dalmatians, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, and Mulan are the only Disney cartoons where both parents are present and don't die throughout the movie. .
• To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.
• Reindeer like to eat bananas.
• The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
• Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
• The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
• The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II Killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
• More people are killed annually by donkeys than airplane crashes.
• A 'jiffy' is a unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
• When you sneeze, air and particles travel through the nostrils at speeds over100 mph. During this time, all bodily functions stop, including your heart, contributing to the impossibility of keeping one's eyes open during a sneeze.
• Annual growth of WWW traffic is 314,000%
• In 1778, fashionable women of Paris never went out in blustery weather without a lightning rod attached to their hats.
• A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
• Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it.
• The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words. More than 2 billion pencils are manufactured each year in the United States. If these were laid end to end they would circle the world nine times.
• The pop you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas burning.
• A literal translation of a standard traffic sign in China: "Give large space to the festive dog that makes sport in the roadway."
• You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.
• Larry Lewis ran the 100-yard dash in 17.8 seconds in 1969, thereby setting a new world's record for runners in the 100-years-or-older class. He was 101.
• In a lifetime the average human produces enough quarts of spit to fill 2 swimming pools.
• It's against the law to doze off under a hair dryer in Florida/against the law to slap an old friend on the back in Georgia/against the law to play hopscotch on a Sunday in Missouri.
• Barbie's measurements, if she were life-size, would be 39-29-33.
• The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30ft.

• His Hershey candy bars are green in color.
• The coffee has the consistency of oatmeal.
• You recognize his delivery truck as one used by the plumber twenty years ago.
• His sandwiches are unique, but cream cheese is not supposed to make noise.
• His potato chips are imported from Ukraine. Whoops! They say "Cowchips" on the wrapper.
• The bathroom next to the commissary where they make food has been out of soap for a month.
• You put real cash coins into the machine. You get slugs in the coin return.
• All of the freshness dates on the pastry items has been crossed out with magic marker.
• The freshness dates for the contests on the candy wrappers happened five years ago.
• When you call to complain, the number goes through to a Indian housewife in Bombay who only grunts, like those old 1-800 Sex calls.
• The hamburgers have been jammed into the hot dog containers.
• Your cold food vending machine secretly shuts off in the middle of the night to conserve energy.
• All of the ladies in the commissary have been tested positive for bari-bari.
• The green garnishment in the salad was supposed to be lettuce, not last month’s New York Times.
• Even the mice won’t eat the food coming out of your cold food machines.
• The microwave popcorn exploded without it even being put in the microwave.
• The dollar changer converts your paper money into shekels.

• Drinking fountains don't work.
• Flea market in the parking lot.
• They plowed the snow against the front door.
• Church holding prayer services in the lobby on Sunday mornings.
• Instead of lowering prices, employees ask "make me an offer".
• Pharmacy tries to transfer your files to the drug store it tried to replace ten years ago.
• Suddenly selling Christmas ornaments in May.
• No toilet paper or towels in the bathrooms.
• tore manager speaks no English-instead a Serbian/Armenian dialect.
• Half-off shirt sale means the sleeves are missing.
• Instead of cleaning the spill, they block off the aisle.
• They don't take checks, or credit cards, only vouchers from Pay  Day loan stores.
• Sale flyers in the store are four weeks old.
• Restaurant only serves crackers and milk.
• All of the items in the electronics departments have been "factory reconditioned"
• Security guard at the door hand stamps you in and out.
• Punks spray graffiti on your car while you shop.
• "Blue Light special" is replaced by "Red Light special".
• Store owner's Mercedes is parked in a repair bay.
• Only one cash register works. The waiting line is 200 feet long.

• Ask for the Senior citizen or children’s menu even though you don’t look a day over or under 35.
• Make a big fuss when the water boy fills your glass, saying, "I only drink 90 proof prune juice!"
• Ask for a "to go" box before your meal is served. In fact, ask for three.
• Demand to see the health inspector’s most recent report in the restaurant.
• Unless the waitress lowers the check amount, bring in your own doggie or barf bags and threaten to use it at the end of your meal.
• Start whistling birdcalls in the middle of the meal.
• Slurp your soup or if you feel like it, spill it all over the table next to you.
• Make sure you sneeze in your food, then demand that they take it back to the kitchen because it isn’t just right.
• Without letting the parents know first, start talking to the children at the table behind you.
• Always give a credit card that’s expired to the hostess. In fact, just for laughs, give her your old Diner’s Club card from 1963.
• Demand to see the cook, loudly, and then complain about the meal that you had there last year.
• Ask the waitress why aren’t there crackers and milk on the menu like there were last time you were in there.
• Laugh loudly and start snorting.
• Ask for reservations for fifteen when you sign in, and then just the two of you sit in at that table.
• When the hostess asks for your name to announce, say you are "Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers".
• Try to pay for your meal in shekels.
• On a busy Friday night with your guests, suddenly whip out a pack of cards and start a poker night at your table.
• Don’t dress like the other people in the restaurant. In fact, don’t dress at all.
• Find the jukebox and spend forty quarters to play "Louie, Louie" for two hours straight.
• When through eating, just pass out on the table on your leftover mashed potatoes.

• The unshaven look of his face and his sailor tattoos might give him away.
• The roast that you just cooked was stuffed under her skirt when she left.
• You realize that the crystal ball and séance chants are part of her bedside demeanor.
• She keeps wearing a ski mask when she comes to your door.
• She doesn't fly with an umbrella like Mary Poppins. Instead she trips over her umbrella and falls down the stairs.
• She keeps sticking herself with the bobby pin when she is diapering your baby, then you find out she cannot do first aid.
• She doesn't have an English, Polish, or Irish accent. She sounds like the witch doctor from King Kong.
• Constantly, you come home and find out that she has eaten all of your food.
• You find out that your children play hide and seek' everyday, and find her hiding in your bedroom closet.
• She invites all of her old friends in while you are gone—like an old sea captain, an old German war criminal, or from the last election, a defeated Republican candidate.

• The Pump has three grades, regular, hi-test and water.
• The price changes every hour
• The owner has a telescope fixed on the price sign on the competitor down the street.
• He has only eight nozzles. Two don't work, two are missing the nozzle, two the credit card slot don't work, two are pay first only and all of them are out of regular.
• The owner cannot speak English.
• The air hose never works, in fact it deflates tires instead. Next to it are coupons to the Firestone store.
• His tow truck is always being sent out to a car who recently filled up there.
• Only one of the two registers inside work. The other one is always being audited.
• There is never enough windshield fluid in the buckets, or the squeegee is missing, or there is only one bucket for the entire station.
• They sell more lottery tickets and cigarettes than gas.
• The owner only stays at the station for an hour each day. The rest of the time he is at the track.
• You see the inside attendants laughing through the window and pointing at you as you fill up.
• The gas delivery truck has the name of an indicted politician on the door as operator.
• The driveway has more chuckholes than a Afghan airfield.
• The giant American flag is flown right next to the price sign. They are the only things being regularly kept up at the station on a regular basis.
• The attendant is the fifth new face that you have seen there this week.
• The car wash is open with forty cars in line. By the time you get there, it is closed or broken down.
• The car wash is famous for glistening windows, spotless tire cleaning and a gouge in your fender.
• 19. They keep a supply of old broken glass bottles to spread around the air hose area, next to the tire bay.
• They offer a free pork and beans special in the restaurant if you fill up with eight gallons.
• When questioned about their higher prices, they always point to the competitor down the street, and he points back to the competitor across the street, and he points to his competitor across the street, and he points......and the last guy always points to the Arabs. Not my fault, mon!

• My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
• I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
• Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
• God must love stupid people; He made so many.
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
• Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!!
• Procrastinate Now?
• I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
• Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
• They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
• He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
• A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
• Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
• The trouble with life is there's no background music.
• The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
• I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.