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Universal Truths:
  • Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
  • At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
  • One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
  • Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
  • You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
  • Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
  • You never know where to look when eating a banana.
  • You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
  • The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
  • Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
  • Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
  • Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
  • Old ladies can eat more than you think.
  • You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
  • Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
  • You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Some signs warning you that your television show is going off the air:
  • The usual main star of the show is now called "a special guest- star".
  • There are more commercials for drugs and medications than there is show content.
  • The sponsors have left the show--all there is left are public service rowboat safety spots.
  • You suddenly realize that the episode this week was the same as the one last week.
  • You start seeing old reruns of "Roller Derby Babes" in the place of the crime/doctor drama you wanted.
  • This week, it is on Tuesday. Next week it is on Thursday. Then the next week it is on Monday and Thursday.
  • Suddenly it is put on against reruns of "My Mother, The Car".
  • You realize that the blooper show you were watching was an actual episode of your show.
  • It was decided that dead airspace was better than running new episodes of your show.
  • Your show was being sponsored by Enron, Trac Auto and Worldcom.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
 

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How you can tell if your mutual fund adviser might be a crook
  • He is representing some new companies, like Little Billyís Funds, Rosie O'Donnell's Magazines Ltd, or the presidential campaign of Rudy Guiliani.
  • He keeps returning your phone calls from different area codesólike from California, China, Borneo, Sri Lanka and Brooklyn.
  • You have discovered that all of your prospectuses are from companies controlled by the heirs of Edi Amin.
  • Then he sends you money, the colored dye in the Twenty Dollar Bills keep rubbing off.
  • Every time he visits you, he has a nicer car.
  • A cell phone call from someone named Abdul repeatedly interrupts him
  • When he visits you, he constantly takes stock in the artwork you have on the walls, the Persian Rugs on the floor, and the age of your eldest daughter. 8. He brags about winning company financed vacations to Buenos Aires.
  • The first time he came to your house, he said that his wife's name was Becky, the next time it was Sandy. The last time he said that he had never been married.
  • On his last hunting trip with rich clients, three of them got lost and never returned.
  • He calls and tells you that he is getting out of finance and found a lucrative career being a church pastor in French Equatorial Africa.
  • He's just become an investment counselor to Martha Stewart.
  • He wants to turn your proceeds from your old life insurance policy into salvaging old quartz movements from ten-dollar Wal-Mart wristwatches.
  • Every time you see him, he is in some new South Moroccan disguise claiming to be an heir of Princeóor at least the one who used to say he was Prince.
  • You caught him on the Internet sending messages offering a part-time job to anyone who would send him their name, address, social security number and the whereabouts of their bank account to a blind email site in Kenya.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
 

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Proverbial Truths...
  • Lightning never strikes the same place twice. True. The second time the place just aint the same anymore.
  • It's an ill wind that blows no one some good. True. It blows a doctor, he can charge for fixing it.
  • There's no fool like an old fool. True. They've practiced all their life.
  • There's many a slip 'tween the cup and the lip. True. They're called breathalyzers.
  • When one door closes another door opens. True. In China.
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away. True. If they're very green, he's away all day.
  • Don't count your chickens till they've hatched. True. Then find out what they've hatched.
  • Necessity is the mother of invention. True. And it's father's called Gripe.
  • Never look a gift horse in the mouth. True. It might have halitosis.
  • A stitch in time saves nine. True. For anything else, buy a new one.
  • You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. True. Especially if it's into philosophy.
  • You cannot judge a person by the company they keep. True. Anything else is good.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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I wish I had said that ...

"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone

"Have you ever noticed Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneris

"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." - Billiam Coronel

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Five Good Riddles... The Answers Are at the Bottom of the page ....
  1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
  2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
  3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away ?
  4. you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
  5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

Answers

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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Totally useless facts to bore your friends with...
  • Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
  • The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
  • Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
  • Every time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie.
  • The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
  • Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
  • Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
  • The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7' was selected after the original 7-ounce containers and 'UP' for the direction of the bubbles.
  • 101 Dalmatians, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, and Mulan are the only Disney cartoons where both parents are present and don't die throughout the movie. .
  • To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.
  • Reindeer like to eat bananas.
  • The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
  • Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
  • The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
  • The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II Killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
  • More people are killed annually by donkeys than airplane crashes.
  • A 'jiffy' is a unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
  • When you sneeze, air and particles travel through the nostrils at speeds over100 mph. During this time, all bodily functions stop, including your heart, contributing to the impossibility of keeping one's eyes open during a sneeze.
  • Annual growth of WWW traffic is 314,000%
  • In 1778, fashionable women of Paris never went out in blustery weather without a lightning rod attached to their hats.
  • A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
  • Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it.
  • The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words. More than 2 billion pencils are manufactured each year in the United States. If these were laid end to end they would circle the world nine times.
  • The pop you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas burning.
  • A literal translation of a standard traffic sign in China: "Give large space to the festive dog that makes sport in the roadway."
  • You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.
  • Larry Lewis ran the 100-yard dash in 17.8 seconds in 1969, thereby setting a new world's record for runners in the 100-years-or-older class. He was 101.
  • In a lifetime the average human produces enough quarts of spit to fill 2 swimming pools.
  • It's against the law to doze off under a hair dryer in Florida/against the law to slap an old friend on the back in Georgia/against the law to play hopscotch on a Sunday in Missouri.
  • Barbie's measurements, if she were life-size, would be 39-29-33.
  • The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30ft.

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You know to change your vending service company when:
  • His Hershey candy bars are green in color.
  • The coffee has the consistency of oatmeal.
  • You recognize his delivery truck as one used by the plumber twenty years ago.
  • His sandwiches are unique, but cream cheese is not supposed to make noise.
  • His potato chips are imported from Ukraine. Whoops! They say "Cowchips" on the wrapper.
  • The bathroom next to the commissary where they make food has been out of soap for a month.
  • You put real cash coins into the machine. You get slugs in the coin return.
  • All of the freshness dates on the pastry items has been crossed out with magic marker.
  • The freshness dates for the contests on the candy wrappers happened five years ago.
  • When you call to complain, the number goes through to a Indian housewife in Bombay who only grunts, like those old 1-800 Sex calls.
  • The hamburgers have been jammed into the hot dog containers.
  • Your cold food vending machine secretly shuts off in the middle of the night to conserve energy.
  • All of the ladies in the commissary have been tested positive for bari-bari.
  • The green garnishment in the salad was supposed to be lettuce, not last monthís New York Times.
  • Even the mice wonít eat the food coming out of your cold food machines.
  • The microwave popcorn exploded without it even being put in the microwave.
  • The dollar changer converts your paper money into shekels.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
 

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How To Tell That your retail giant is going out of business:
  • Drinking fountains don't work.
  • Flea market in the parking lot.
  • They plowed the snow against the front door.
  • Church holding prayer services in the lobby on Sunday mornings.
  • Instead of lowering prices, employees ask "make me an offer".
  • Pharmacy tries to transfer your files to the drug store it tried to replace ten years ago.
  • Suddenly selling Christmas ornaments in May.
  • No toilet paper or towels in the bathrooms.
  • tore manager speaks no English-instead a Serbian/Armenian dialect.
  • Half-off shirt sale means the sleeves are missing.
  • Instead of cleaning the spill, they block off the aisle.
  • They don't take checks, or credit cards, only vouchers from Pay  Day loan stores.
  • Sale flyers in the store are four weeks old.
  • Restaurant only serves crackers and milk.
  • All of the items in the electronics departments have been "factory reconditioned"
  • Security guard at the door hand stamps you in and out.
  • Punks spray graffiti on your car while you shop.
  • "Blue Light special" is replaced by "Red Light special".
  • Store owner's Mercedes is parked in a repair bay.
  • Only one cash register works. The waiting line is 200 feet long.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
 

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How To Get Yourself Noticed In A Restaurant
  • Ask for the Senior citizen or childrenís menu even though you donít look a day over or under 35.
  • Make a big fuss when the water boy fills your glass, saying, "I only drink 90 proof prune juice!"
  • Ask for a "to go" box before your meal is served. In fact, ask for three.
  • Demand to see the health inspectorís most recent report in the restaurant.
  • Unless the waitress lowers the check amount, bring in your own doggie or barf bags and threaten to use it at the end of your meal.
  • Start whistling birdcalls in the middle of the meal.
  • Slurp your soup or if you feel like it, spill it all over the table next to you.
  • Make sure you sneeze in your food, then demand that they take it back to the kitchen because it isnít just right.
  • Without letting the parents know first, start talking to the children at the table behind you.
  • Always give a credit card thatís expired to the hostess. In fact, just for laughs, give her your old Dinerís Club card from 1963.
  • Demand to see the cook, loudly, and then complain about the meal that you had there last year.
  • Ask the waitress why arenít there crackers and milk on the menu like there were last time you were in there.
  • Laugh loudly and start snorting.
  • Ask for reservations for fifteen when you sign in, and then just the two of you sit in at that table.
  • When the hostess asks for your name to announce, say you are "Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers".
  • Try to pay for your meal in shekels.
  • On a busy Friday night with your guests, suddenly whip out a pack of cards and start a poker night at your table.
  • Donít dress like the other people in the restaurant. In fact, donít dress at all.
  • Find the jukebox and spend forty quarters to play "Louie, Louie" for two hours straight.
  • When through eating, just pass out on the table on your leftover mashed potatoes.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
 

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Signs That You Didnít Hire a Good Nanny
  • The unshaven look of his face and his sailor tattoos might give him away.
  • The roast that you just cooked was stuffed under her skirt when she left.
  • You realize that the crystal ball and sťance chants are part of her bedside demeanor.
  • She keeps wearing a ski mask when she comes to your door.
  • She doesn't fly with an umbrella like Mary Poppins. Instead she trips over her umbrella and falls down the stairs.
  • She keeps sticking herself with the bobby pin when she is diapering your baby, then you find out she cannot do first aid.
  • She doesn't have an English, Polish, or Irish accent. She sounds like the witch doctor from King Kong.
  • Constantly, you come home and find out that she has eaten all of your food.
  • You find out that your children play hide and seek' everyday, and find her hiding in your bedroom closet.
  • She invites all of her old friends in while you are goneólike an old sea captain, an old German war criminal, or from the last election, a defeated Republican candidate.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
 

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How to tell if your local gas station is crooked.
  • The Pump has three grades, regular, hi-test and water.
  • The price changes every hour
  • The owner has a telescope fixed on the price sign on the competitor down the street.
  • He has only eight nozzles. Two don't work, two are missing the nozzle, two the credit card slot don't work, two are pay first only and all of them are out of regular.
  • The owner cannot speak English.
  • The air hose never works, in fact it deflates tires instead. Next to it are coupons to the Firestone store.
  • His tow truck is always being sent out to a car who recently filled up there.
  • Only one of the two registers inside work. The other one is always being audited.
  • There is never enough windshield fluid in the buckets, or the squeegee is missing, or there is only one bucket for the entire station.
  • They sell more lottery tickets and cigarettes than gas.
  • The owner only stays at the station for an hour each day. The rest of the time he is at the track.
  • You see the inside attendants laughing through the window and pointing at you as you fill up.
  • The gas delivery truck has the name of an indicted politician on the door as operator.
  • The driveway has more chuckholes than a Afghan airfield.
  • The giant American flag is flown right next to the price sign. They are the only things being regularly kept up at the station on a regular basis.
  • The attendant is the fifth new face that you have seen there this week.
  • The car wash is open with forty cars in line. By the time you get there, it is closed or broken down.
  • The car wash is famous for glistening windows, spotless tire cleaning and a gouge in your fender.
  • 19. They keep a supply of old broken glass bottles to spread around the air hose area, next to the tire bay.
  • They offer a free pork and beans special in the restaurant if you fill up with eight gallons.
  • When questioned about their higher prices, they always point to the competitor down the street, and he points back to the competitor across the street, and he points to his competitor across the street, and he points......and the last guy always points to the Arabs. Not my fault, mon!

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
 

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One Liners to Make You Smile
  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
  • I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  • Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
  • God must love stupid people; He made so many.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
  • Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!!
  • Procrastinate Now?
  • I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
  • Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
  • They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
  • He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
  • Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • The trouble with life is there's no background music.
  • The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
  • I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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