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Good Housekeeping
  • Fingerprints on glasses can be explained to guests by your continued fascination with Cluedo.
  • Dust on furniture is not really dust, but the latest in UV protection.
  • The get-well cards on the sideboard attest to your inability in recent days to attend to tidying.
  • Your daughter's studying of psychology has led to the pet hairs on the couch. She is noting your reactions.
  • Lipstick on cups has been left so cup and guest can be properly matched on the next visit.
  • The same reading matter is in the toilet area to help you feel 'at home'.
  • The party pies were so popular with previous guests you've served them once more. And you always find it better to buy in bulk, don't you?
  • Ashtrays are left full to remind everyone what a disgusting habit it is.
  • Pictures on the walls are at an angle to give a 21st century touch.
  • The Christmas lights are still hanging in an effort to break traditional habits.
  • Your current hobby is sculpting with beer cans. Yes, you're working toward the Guggenheim.
  • Guests are welcome to sample the historic collection of books. TV week on the left, good housekeeping on the right.
  • Isn't the light shining through the children's artwork on the window dirt is so clever?
  • You are SO proud of your home. Please come again.

Written by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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Collected Comments of College Students
  • He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.
  • Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!
  • His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.
  • Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.
  • This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take it all on faith.
  • The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.
  • Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.
  • Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever.
  • Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all directions - no way to stop it.
  • I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin that I used while doing the problem sets.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Things people have actually said
  • "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
  • "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
  • "The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
  • "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
  • "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
  • "When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
  • "It's like deja vu all over again." -- Yogi Berra
  • "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
  • "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas
  • "It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." -- Richard M. Nixon
  • "The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
  • "Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
  • "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -- Samuel Goldwyn
  • "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
  • "Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
  • "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
  • "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -- General William Westmoreland
  • "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

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More Deep Thoughts
  • In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
  • Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
  • Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
  • Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?
  • If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?
  • Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?
  • Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch,' but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?
  • How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
  • Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
  • Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?
  • Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right?
  • Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women?
  • If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Actual Newspaper Headliners
  • Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
  • Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
  • Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  • Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
  • Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  • Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  • Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
  • Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  • British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
  • Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
  • Eye Drops Off Shelf
  • Teachers Strike Idle Kids
  • Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  • Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
  • Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
  • Miners Refuse To Work After Death
  • Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
  • Stolen Painting Found By Tree
  • Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
  • Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
  • Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
  • War Dims Hope For Peace
  • If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
  • Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
  • Deer Kill 17,000
  • Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  • Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
  • New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
  • Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  • Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
  • Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
  • Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
  • Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
  • New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  • Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
 

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The Iraq version of why the Chicken Cross the Road...
  • Coalition Provisional Authority: The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.
  • KBR: We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.
  • Muqtada al-Sadr: The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.
  • US Army Military Police: We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.
  • Peshmerga: The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.
  • 1st Cav: The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately detained and searched in accordance with current SOP's. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.
  • Al Jazeera: The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.
  • Blackwater: We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.
  • Translators: Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.
  • U.S. Marine Corps: The chicken is dead.
  • Navy: The chicken upon crossing the road was painted and lashed to the curb.
  • John Kerry: "The chicken crossed the road before it did not"
  • Baghdad Bob: The chicken never crossed the road! He is safe in Baghdad, miles from the marauding vehicles of the infidel! THERE IS NO ROAD!
  • USAF: "As you can see here in the target video, the bomb was locked onto the chicken...and there it goes...the chicken is still moving...still moving...and unfortunately passed out of the parameters of the guidance system so that the bomb completely missed it and hit the weasel instead. Gotta admit thought, it's impressive footage..."

Submitted by soon to be home Sergeant Chris
 

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The Modern Child's ABC of Social Graces - by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
  • Acceptance: What you receive from the right people, and give in return.
  • Boredom: A common malady caught only from lesser folk.
  • Charity: The art of subtle giving to those you feel need it.
  • Distinction: The difference between you and lesser mortals.
  • Ethics: The knowledge of what you can ignore and what it's best to own up to.
  • Friends: Everyone except family who ignores your mistakes.
  • Gratitude: That which you deserve for being alive.
  • Happiness: Like love*, but less troublesome. * (see below)
  • Intuition: The ability to sense that someone is holding out on you.
  • Jackass: Anyone whose behaviour goes not gel with your current mood. (see below)
  • Kindness: What every good person should show you at all times.
  • Love: Sometimes hard to understand and to hold on to, but always deserved.
  • Mood: Things that everyone has, and which, when bad you have to be charitable about to your fellows, when good have to be shared. All types are reciprocal.
  • Nerves: That which only cowards reveal, hence giving you advantage.
  • Overture: An attempt to start something deemed worthy. Well practiced, it can advance ones immediate cause without problem; done poorly, may allow others their overtures on you.
  • Profit: The gain you make. Opposed to loss, which only others should. Quality: A relative term used to help the gain you make.
  • Rapport: A condition involving Ethics, Friends, and Intuition. Useful in determining the quality of others, hence the profit you can make from them.
  • Scheme: Anything you and your friends think of. Second-hand schemes are like once chewed toffee.
  • Terminate: To end something. Used by those in control. Make your aim to be one.
  • Uncomfortable: Anything that makes you sore until you get used to it.
  • Veracity: An old word that meant truth, but now may be used to distort it.
  • Willing: That which adults will try to make you learn to be, so you can be like them. The opposite of independent.
  • Xcitement: An antidote to boredom. Surprisingly, best taken in small doses.
  • Yearning: A rare and strange feeling that can beset one when some of the above is in short supply.
  • Zip: That quality of speed which enables you to reach the goal without noticing the journey or the people. Antidote to care or consideration.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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The Procrastinator's Creed
  • I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
  • I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
  • I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
  • I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
  • I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
  • I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
  • I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
  • If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
  • I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
  • I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
  • I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
  • I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
  • I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
  • I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

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A Good Pun is Its Own Reword
  • In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
  • When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  • Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  • He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  • Every calendar's days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
  • Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  • When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  • Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
  • The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
  • A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • Dijon vu the same mustard as before.
  • Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • Reading while sunbathing makes you wellred.
  • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
  • A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is twotired.
  • What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)
  • A backward poet writes inverse.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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You Know You're In Trouble When ...
  • Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
  • Your suggestion box starts ticking.
  • Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
  • You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
  • The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
  • People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
  • You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
  • The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.
 

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21st century observations - Take 2
  • TV news: a case of the bland leading the bland
  • The gramophone was patented on May 4, 1886. Things have been going round faster ever since.
  • The way gas prices are going, we'll soon have to resort to hot air balloon travel, courtesy of Capitol Hill.
  • Atolls: Submergent.
  • There's only one way out of the debt crisis: Plunder the rich countries. Sorry, that's been done.
  • So many de-salination plants are now operating that we'll soon be able to swim and not sink.
  • We can drink polar ice caps faster than they can melt.
  • Baby boomers are so called because of the noise they make.
  • Bacon said Knowledge is Power. He didn't foresee 21st century politics.
  • Investment opportunity: Retirement homes for tatts. Also known as inker-care.
  • The after-life is now recycling.
  • Genetic engineering has at last perfected a hybrid human/plant capable of making its own oxygen. A real symbiotic miracle, naming rights are being auctioned.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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How do you know when ...
  • Your barbecue is at the right temperature? It catches fire
  • Your cat is obese? It gets stuck in the enlarged cat flap.
  • You're dead? You can hear Inland Revenue coming.
  • You're on a diet? Leftovers never smelled so good.
  • You owe the bank five figures? They offer you a credit card increase
  • Your partner cares for you? They smile when they call you stupid
  • A child is in trouble? Their first word is "Umů."
  • You're educated? You read instead of watching TV
  • You need a shower? The cat avoids you.
  • You're overseas? You can understand more of what's said than at home

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.
 

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Tips to Improve Your Writing
  • Avoid alliteration. Always.
  • Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
  • Employ the vernacular.
  • Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  • Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
  • Remember to never split an infinitive.
  • Contractions aren't necessary.
  • Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  • One should never generalize.
  • Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
  • Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
  • Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
  • Be more or less specific.
  • Understatement is always best.
  • One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  • Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  • The passive voice is to be avoided.
  • Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  • Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  • Who needs rhetorical questions?
  • Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  • Don't never use a double negation.
  • capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
  • Do not put statements in the negative form.
  • Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
  • Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
  • If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
  • A writer must not shift your point of view.
  • And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
  • Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
  • Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
  • Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
  • If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
  • Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
  • Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
  • Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
  • Always pick on the correct idiom.
  • The adverb always follows the verb.
  • Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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