Joanne Millionaire: Rich young women are first introduced to the exciting world of horses. They become completely hooked on the finest purebreds, the best trainers, fabulous stabling and expert instruction. In the last episode...they discover they're penniless.

Survivor - the Endurance Ride: Ten elite show riders leave their oak tack trunks, their minimum wage grooms, their canopies and gooseneck living quarters behind to spend 2 days in Death Valley. They have to perform heinous acts such as cleaning their own tack, grooming and caring for their own horse, and getting along with other riders. As we sit back and watch riders succumb to torture, the strongest break away from camp to search for cell phone, golf cart and running water.

American Show Idol: Thousands of equestrians must audition in front of exacting judges who pick apart their ride using colorful evaluations such as "try tennis!" and "clucking to your horse makes you sound like a chicken." George Morris guest stars.

I'm a Dressage Queen, Get Me out of Here: A Prix St. Georges rider and her Hanoverian stallion are shipped to a working cattle ranch. In Episode 3, s he ruins her full seat Eurostar breeches while closing the cattle gate. Unable to ride until her new attire is shipped, the local wrangler round pens her horse and starts roping off his back.

Matched by America: Contestants who are tired of looking for Mr. or Ms. Equine Perfection allow the studio audience to vote on which horse is truly the best partner for them. Tossing breed and color preferences to the wind, contestants discover that: 1) a good horse can be any size, age, color; 2) when you find the right match, there can be happy endings! ...watch for more.

And a new sitcom: Studs in the City: Two young, hip, good-looking round pen trainers share a New York apartment as they learn about life, work, & love in the city. In the pilot episode, Patrick gets arrested after slapping his chaps at a girl who won't turn & face him (she turns out to be an undercover cop), and Roger ends up in the emergency room after trying to round-pen his new girlfriend's Siamese ca

• Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion
• Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the sensitive tissue of the mouth.
• Bucking: counterirritant
• Crossties: gymnastic apparatus
• Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
• Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing
• Grain: Sole virtue of domestication
• Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength
• Horse trailer: Mobile cave bear den
• Hot walker: The lesser of two evils
• Jump: And opportunity for self-expression
• Latch: Type of puzzle
• Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay
• Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding
• Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds
• Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner; useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
• Trainer: Owner with mob connections
• Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture

The horse world is dreadfully guilty of political incorrectness. Citizens, we can fix this!

• From now on, the rider who came in 128th out of 127 competitors isn’t a major loser; he’s ribbon-deprived.
• We’ll refer to awful jumpers as potential dressage horses and horrid dressage horses will be called event prospects (oh, wait, we’ve been doing that for years anyway).
• Prominent horsepeople who go to jail for tax evasion are, um, ethically challenged.
• Judges who make stupid decisions are myopically magnificent.
• A twitch is a lip tourniquet.
• Instructors, refrain from telling any student that she has a bad seat. Instead, tell this rider that she has astronomical potential for butt improvement.
• A horse that always crashes through the jumps is merely in touch with his personal sense of gravity. Likewise, a bad mover isn’t an eggbeater with legs --- he’s kinetically challenged.
• A horse who won’t go forward is a whoa-overachiever.
• Waterlogged showgrounds are humidity super-enriched.

There! See what a positive place your barn can be?

Problem: the term ‘politically incorrect’ is politically incorrect. It’s too critical. The whole point is to single out someone’s most sensitive trouble area and then simultaneously glorify the fortitude it takes to overcome the matter while completely avoiding any clear reference to the actual problem. Hey, we’re truth-impaired, but we’re sensitive! A better term for politically incorrect would be ‘socially under-euphemismed.’

Like the political correctness craze, the trend toward uber-safety has affected the equestrian world. Riders are advised to sleep with their helmets on. Just because. Horses who routinely buck their riders off should also wear certified helmets just in case a falling equestrian impacts at a high rate of speed with an equine noggin. In fact, goggles might a good idea for horses that buck; riders are just full of sharp edges like fingernails and elbows and a poke in the eye can be quite painful.

In an attempt to promote better safety for horses and riders, here are some new warning labels to consider:

• Do not place haynet over head while skydiving or eating corn on the cob.
• Warning: insect repellent may infringe upon the constitutional rights of the insect community. Consult attorney before spraying.
• Please remove riding shirt before placing in dryer.
• When saddle-breaking three-year-old horses, apply leg sparingly. If swelling or redness of rider occurs, discontinue immediately and seek professional trainer.
• Warning! Surface of arena is closer than it appears. Much, much closer.
• Inflate ponies to 50 psi when cold.
• Do not affix jumper cables to your big toes when engine is on. (This has nothing to do with horses; it’s just plain good advice.)

• Fiona’s British Thoroughbred says, ‘"I swam the English Channel and, by jove, I can jump this course, too!’"
• Marsha checked and she’s getting credits for her Marine Biology Course just for being here this weekend.
• Suddenly the bookies are giving great odds on the entries named Swim Jim, Fin, and Australian Crawl.
• There’s an enormous trout in Phil’s horse’s stall and it’s saying, ‘"How does it feel when I invade YOUR space????’"
• Your friend who rides pure dressage has stopped teasing you about 'all that crazy jumping’ and is now razzing you about not riding for at least half an hour after meals.
• Apparently, ponies float like corks. Draft-crosses do not.
• Jill had to scratch because her Arabian ran away from home. He left a note: ‘"Found mildew in my ears. Can’t take it any more. Going home to the desert. Please understand that it’s me, not you.’"
• As your coach discusses the stadium course with you, he stops saying things like, ‘"the Oxer going away from the in-gate’" and starts using directions such as ‘"upstream’" and ‘"downstream.’"
• The Best Conditioned Horse Award went to the horse who could hold his breath underwater the longest.
• The wash rack with the backed up drain is now the driest spot on the grounds.

• Believe in a 11th commandment: inside leg to outside rein.
• Know that all topical medications come in either indelible blue or neon Yellow.
• Think nothing of eating a sandwich after mucking out stalls.
• Know why a thermometer has a yard of yarn attached to one end of it.
• Are banned from Laundromats.
• Fail to associate whips, chains and leather with sexual deviancy.
• Can magically lower their voices 5 octaves to bellow at a pawing horse.
• Will end relationships over their hobby.
• Cluck to their cars to help them up hills.
• Insure their horses for more than their cars.
• Know more about their horse's nutrition than their own.
• Have Neatsfoot oil stains on the carpet right next to the TV.
• Have a vocabulary that can make a sailor blush.
• Have less wardrobe than their horse.
• Engage in a hobby that is more work than their day job.
• Know that mucking stalls is better than Zoloft any day.

If We Were Mares...

Some group of scientists sat around having coffee one morning (even scientists can't think in the morning without coffee!) and came up with the conclusion that humans are the intelligent species..that homo sapiens are far superior in brain power to all of the other world's creatures....

So, my unscientific brain got to thinking about this one day...about how the world could or would be like if we thought and acted more like our horses. This is what I came up with:

That we (mares) should sit at the kitchen table when our new "Journals" came and pick out our men (stallions). These stallions would be only the best that were allowed to reproduce- good looking, intelligent, athletic, healthy and excel in a particular discipline. All others would be gelded.

Hmmmm.

And that we could pick out a different stallion every year without earning a bad reputation!

That we should be allowed to roam around all day and eat (graze), nap, enjoy the outdoors, and socialize with our buddies as pretty pasture ornaments with all our needs taken care of by somebody else!

That "fat" would be considered a desirable asset and prove that we are "easy keepers".

That we should be waited on--our rooms cleaned, and an all you can eat buffet before us everyday.

That we should get new shoes or a pedicure every five to six weeks and our hair done daily.

That we should be chauffeured around when we need to go somewhere in an expensive vehicle designed just for us...oh and with food in front of us while we travel.

That once our babies are weaned they can't move back home.

That we should have better clothes, grooming supplies, living conditions and medical care than the people that take care of us.

Okay, scientists...now who is really smarter???

THE HUNTER RIDER: Is slightly anorexic and trying her best to achieve the conformation of a 17-year-old male in case she ever has a clinic with George Morris. Field marks include greeny-beige breeches and a baseball cap when schooling or mud colored coat and hardhat with dangling chinstrap when competing. Forks over about a grand a month to trainer for the privilege of letting him/her 'tune' up the horse, which consists of drilling the beast until its going to put in five strides on a 60 foot line no matter WHAT she does. Sold the Thoroughbred (and a collection of lunging equipment, chambons, side reins) and bought a Warmblood. (Bought a ladder and a LONG set of spurs). Talks a lot about the horse's success in Florida without exactly letting on that she herself has never been south of the Pennsylvania line.

THE DRESSAGE QUEEN: Has her hair in an elegant ponytail and is wearing a visor and gold earrings sporting a breed logo. A $100 dollar custom jumper (also with breed logo) is worn over $300 dollar full-seat white breeches and custom Koenigs. Her horse, 'Leistergeidelsprundheim' ('Fleistergeidel' for short) is a 17.3 hand warmblood who was bred to be a Grand Prix horse. The Germans are still laughing hysterically, as he was bred to be a Grand Prix JUMPER, but since he couldn't get out of his own way, they sold him to an American. His rider fell in love with his lofty gaits, proud carriage, and tremendous athleticism. She admires him mostly while lunging. She lunges him a lot, because she is not actually too keen to get up there and try to SIT that trot. When she rides, it's not for long, because (while he looks FINE to everyone else), she can tell that he is not as 'thorough' and 'supple' as he should be, and gets off to call the chiropractor/massage therapist/psychic, all of which is expensive, but he WILL be shown, and shown right after he perfects (fill in the blank). The blank changes often enough that the rider can avoid the stress of being beaten at Training 1 by a Quarter Horse.

THE EVENTER: Is bent over from carrying three saddles, three bridles, three bits, and three unrelated sets of clothing (four, if she is going to have to do a trot up at a 3-Day). The hunched defensive posture is reinforced by the anticipation of 'a long one' a ditch and a wall, and from living in her back protector. Perpetually broke because she pays THREE coaches (a Dressage Queen, a jumper rider, and her eventing guru, none of whom approve of the other) and pay trailers/stabling/living expenses to go 600 miles to events that are spread out over 5 days. She is smugly convinced that Eventers are in fact the only people in the world who CAN ride (since Dressage Queen's don't jump, the H/J crowd is to afraid to go OUT of a ring, and the fox hunters, a related breed, don't have to deal with dressage judges). The hat cover on her cross-country helmet is secured with a giant rubber band, so she can look like her idol, Phillip. Her horse, who has previously been rejected as a race horse, a steeplechase horse (got ruled off for jumping into the in-field tailgating crowd), a jumper, a fox hunter, and a polo pony (no bit stops this thing), has two speeds: gallop and 'no gallop' (also known as stop 'n' dump). Excels at over jumping into water, doing a head first 'tuck and roll' maneuver and exiting the complex (catch me if you can!) before his rider slogs out of the pond. Often stops to lick the Crisco off his legs before continuing gaily on to the merciless over jump just ahead. Owner often threatens to sell, but as he has flunked out of every other English-riding discipline, it will have to be to a barrel racer.

THE BACK YARD RIDER: Usually found wearing shorts and a sports bra in the summer; flannel nightgown, muck boots, and down jacket in the winter. Drives a Ford 150 filled with saddle blankets and dog hair. Most have deformed toes from being stepped on while wearing flip-flops. Has a two-horse bumper-pull trailer, but uses it for hay storage, as her horse hasn't been off the farm in 6 years. Can install an electric fence, set a gate, and roll a round bale, solo. Rode well and often when she used to board her horse, 5 years ago. Took horse home to 'save money' and has spent about 50 grand on acreage, barn, fence, tractor, etc. Has two topics of conversation - 1) How it's too hot/cold/wet/dry to ride. And 2) how she may ride after she fixes the fence/digs drainage ditches/stacks 4 tons of hay.

THE NATURAL HORSEMANSHIP DEVOTEE: Looks like a throwback from a Texas ranch, despite the fact that he lives in the suburbs of New Jersey. Rope coiled loosely in hand in case he needs to herd any of those kids on roller-blades away from his F-350 dually in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Cowboy hat strategically placed, and just dirty enough to look cool. Levi's are well worn. 'Lightning' is, of course, this natural horsemanship guy's horse. Rescued from a bad home where he was never imprinted or broke in the natural horsemanship way, he specialized in running down his owners at feeding time, knocking children off his back on low-hanging branches, and baring his teeth. The hospitalization tally for his previous handlers was 12, until he was sent to Round Pen Randy; after ten minutes in said pen, he is now a totally broke horse, bowing to the crowd, and can put on his own splint boots. (With R.P. Randy's trademark logo embossed on them) R.P.R. says, of all this, 'Well, shucks ma'am, tweren't nuthin'!' 'It's simple horsemanship.' 'With this special twirly flickitatin' rope ($17.95 plus tax), you'll be round-pennin' like me in no time!'

THE ENDURANCE RIDER: Wears Lycra tights in wild neon colors. The shinier the better, so the EMT's can find her body when her horse dumps her down a ravine. Wears hiking shoes of some sort, and T-shirts she got for paying $75 to complete another torturous ride. Her horse, Al Kamar Shazam, used to be called 'you' until he found an owner almost as hyper as he is. Shazam can spook at a blowing leaf, spin a 360, and not lose his big trot rhythm or give an inch to the horse behind him. Has learned to eat, drink, pee, and drop to his resting pulse rate on command. He has compiled 3,450 AERC miles; his rider compiled 3,445 (the missing five miles are the ones when he raced down the trail without his rider after performing his trademark 360. Over-heard frequently: 'Anyone have Advil?' 'Anyone got some food? I think last year's Twinkies went bad. 'For this pain I spend money?' 'Shazam, you <fill in the blank it's just a leaf [thud]!'

• Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.
• Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big horse show .
• A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.
• Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.
• Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.
• Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.
• Well Mannered: Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.
• Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.
• Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.
• Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.
• Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.
• Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.
• Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.
• Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.
• Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.
• Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able".
• Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.
• Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.
• Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.
• Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.
• Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.
• Light Cribber: We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.
• Three Gaited Horse: A horse that. 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.