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A Horse's View of the World
  • Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
  • Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the sensitive tissues of the mouth.
  • Bucking: counterirritant
  • Crossties: Gymnastic apparatus.
  • Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
  • Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing.
  • Grain: Sole virtue of domestication.
  • Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength.
  • Horse trailer: Mobile cave bear den.
  • Hotwalker: The lesser of two evils.
  • Jump: An opportunity for self-expression.
  • Latch: Type of puzzle.
  • Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
  • Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding.
  • Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds.
  • Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner; useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
  • Trainer: Owner with mob connections.
  • Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture

Submitted by Lisa, Damascus, Md.

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The difference between Horses and Husbands:
  1. Husbands are less expensive to shoe than horses.
  2. Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay
  3. A lame husband can still work
  4. A husband with a bellyache doesn't have to be walked
  5. Husbands don't try to scratch their heads on your back
  6. They are better able to understand puns
  7. If they are playing hard to catch, you **may** be able to run them down on foot
  8. They know their name
  9. They usually pay their own bills
  10. They apologize when they step on your toes
  11. No saddle fitting problems
  12. They seldom refuse to get into the vehicle
  13. They don't panic - running and yelling all through the house when you leave them alone (unless you've left the kids with them too!)
  14. For a nominal fee, you can hire someone else to clip them
  15. They don't like the lady next door just as well as you, just because she fed him for 3 days straight

The Horse's Advantage:

  1. If they don't work out you can sell them
  2. They don't come complete with in-laws
  3. You don't have to worry about your children looking like them
  4. You never have to iron their saddle pads
  5. If you get too fat for one, you can shop for a bigger one
  6. They smell good when they sweat
  7. You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape
  8. It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence" ...
  9. You can force them to stay in good physical condition ... with a whip if necessary
  10. They don't want their turn at the computer
  11. They may turn white with age, but never go bald
  12. They have never heard of PMS
  13. They learn to accept restraint
  14. They don't care what you look like as long as you have a carrot or an apple

Submitted by Jean, Spokane, Wa.

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All I need to know in life I learned from my horse
  • When in doubt, run far, far away.
  • You can never have too many treats.
  • Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
  • New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
  • Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
  • Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
  • Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
  • Heaven is eating at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
  • Eat plenty of roughage.
  • Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
  • When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
  • In times of crisis, take a poop.
  • Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
  • Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
  • A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
  • Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.

Submitted by Sharon B., Unionville, Pa.

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Selections from the "Horseman's Dictionary"
  • "Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.
  • Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.
  • Contracted foot - The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot.
  • Drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administers mineral oil to his horse.
  • Endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.
  • Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crow hop, shy and buck his way around a show ring.
  • Feed - Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure
  • Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).
  • Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished.
  • Founder - 1.) The discovery of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like-"Hey, honey, I found'er." 2.) Founder: A condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving dinner
  • Gallop- The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn
  • Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.
  • Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.
  • Grooms - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills.
  • Hay - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.
  • Head Tosser - A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the barn.
  • Heaves - The act of unloading a truck full of hay.
  • Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.
  • Hoof Pick - Useful, curbed metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoes.
  • Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture fencing.
  • Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.
  • Lameness - The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.
  • Lead Rope - A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag.
  • Longeing - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.
  • Manure spreader - Horse traders
  • Mosquitoes - Radar equipped blood sucking insects that typically reach the size of small birds.
  • Mustang - The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8.
  • Parasites - Small children (no flames please) that get in your way when you work in the barn. Many gather in swarms at horse shows.
  • Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean gray horse that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes.
  • Pony - The true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via transported semen-that was advertised as 15 hands tall.
  • Proud Flesh - The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes.
  • Quarter Cracks - The comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horses.
  • Race - What your heart does when you see the vet bill.
  • Rasp - An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the knuckles.
  • Reins - Break-away leather device used to tie horses with.
  • Ringworms - Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides at horse shows.
  • Sacking out - A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.
  • Saddle - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.
  • Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show.
  • Sleeping Sickness - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal.  Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.
  • Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.
  • Stall - What your truck does on the way to a horse show, fifty miles from the closest town.
  • Tack Room - A room where every item necessary to work with or train your horse has been put, in a place which it cannot be found in less than 30 minutes.
  • Twisted Gut - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show.
  • Vet Catalog - An illustrated brochure provided to stable owners that features a wide array of products that are currently out of stock or have been dropped from a company's inventory.
  • Withers - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.
  • Yearling - The age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously.
  • Young stock - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground.

Submitted by Sharon B., Unionville, Pa.

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How to interpret classified horse ads 
  • BIG TROT: Can't canter within a two mile straightaway
  • NICELY STARTED: lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet
  • TOP SHOW HORSE: won a reserve champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to tornado warnings
  • HOME BRED: knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch
  • BIG BONED: good thing he has a mane and tail, or he would be mistaken for a cow
  • NO VICES: especially when he wears his muzzle
  • BOLD: runaway
  • GOOD MOVER: runaway
  • ATHLETIC: runaway
  • SHOULD MATURE 16 HANDS: currently 13 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is 14.3 hands,every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15 hands, but *this*horse will defy his DNA and grow.
  • WELL MANNERED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week
  • PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bitten, or kicked anyone for a month
  • RECENTLY VETTED: someone else found something really wrong with this horse
  • TO GOOD HOME ONLY: not really for sale unless you can 1) pay twice what he is worth 2) are willing to sign a 10 page legal document 3) allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night
  • LIGHT CRIBBER: we can't afford to build anymore fences and barns for the buzz saw
  • EXCELLENT DISPOSITION: never been out of the stall
  • CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS: clippity clippity is the sound his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him.

Submitted by Crystal in Mt. Airy, Maryland

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The practicality of Dressage Queen's

A husband and DQ were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

The DQ glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The DQ says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if we divorce, there will be no more horse shopping trips to Europe, no wintering in at the Florida circuit, no 4x4 dually diesel with aluminum 6 horse trailer with full living quarters in the garage, and no groom. But the decision is yours."

Just then the DQ notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the DQ.

Submitted by Kathy, Maryland

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The beginning of the end....
  • A friend gives you a horse... You build a small shelter...$750
  • You fence in a paddock...$450
  • Purchase small truck to haul hay...$12,000
  • Purchase a 2 horse trailer...$2,800
  • Purchase 2nd horse...$2,500
  • Build larger shelter with storage...$2,000
  • More fencing...$1,200 Purchase 3rd horse...$3,000
  • Purchase 4 horse trailer...$7,500
  • Purchase larger truck...$18,000
  • Purchase 4 acres next door...$28,000
  • More fencing...$2,000
  • Build small barn...$16,000
  • Purchase camper for truck...$9,000
  • Purchase tractor...$12,000
  • Purchase 4th & 5th horse...$6,500
  • Purchase 20 acres...$185,000
  • Build house...$135,000
  • Build barn...$36,000
  • More fencing & corrals...$24,000
  • Build covered arena...$82,000
  • Purchase Dually...$34,000
  • Purchase gooseneck w/living quarters...$32,000
  • Purchase 6th, 7th & 8th horse...$10,750
  • Hire full time trainer...$40,000
  • Build house for trainer...$84,000
  • Buy motor home for shows...$125,000
  • Hire attorney ? wife leaving you for trainer...$5,000

Declare bankruptcy, wife got everything. Friend feels sorry for you a horse.....

Submitted by Crystal in Mt. Airy, Md.

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Top ten exercises to become a better horseman...
  1. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get Off, Stupid! GET OFF!"
  2. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
  3. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
  4. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing; they might as well know now.
  5. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun. 
  6. Hone your fibbing skills: " See, hon, moving hay bales is FUN! "and, "no, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place"
  7. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
  8. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be: bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
  9.  Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, " This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is..."


  1. Marry money.

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