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Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons . . .
  • . . . The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
  • Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
  • Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
  • A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  • A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  • A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
  • These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
  • And finally, there was a woman who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Submitted by Pat, Blue Lake, Va.

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What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A receding hare line!
  • Did you hear about the scientists who were nominated for the Nobel Prize. It seems they discovered and calibrated the smallest particles known to man using only dental equipment. They became known as "The Graders of the Flossed Quark."
  • A woman was making a big fancy holiday dinner and couldn't decide which of 2 dishes to use to serve the Hollandaise sauce, a small enamel dish or a small chrome dish. Her husband suggested the chrome dish arguing, 'There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise'.
  • Did you hear about the terrible ship wreck between one boat carrying 10,000 gallons of red paint and another carrying 10,000 gallons of blue paint? The survivors were marooned!
  • A very small female janitor (4'10", 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was told to go out and sweep up the grounds. As she was getting ready to head out to clean up, her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets. When asked what she was doing, she pointed out that it was so windy out she was afraid of getting knocked over by the wind. 'So,' she said, 'now I weigh me down to sweep.'
  •  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

And last (finally!) but not least ...

  •  The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece. After one, two or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.


Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...

faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...


on the heels of the terrified man.... Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin ... .... the coffin stops.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Dolly, the famous cloned sheep, was up in the highlands of Scotland and fell off one of the cliffs. 

It was the first recorded long distance clone fall. 

The next day, Dolly fell on a passing Scotsman, who let out an expletive deleted.

It was the first recorded obscene long distance clone fall.

Submitted by Ed, Frederick, Md.

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A rancher was approached by a Native American who said he could read the minds of animals. 

he rancher considered it nonsense, but the Indian approached his horse and asked how he was. The horse told the Indian that he had been treated well, but that his stall was a bit drafty.

The rancher was amazed, but still not completely assured. The Indian approached the rancher's dog, and said the dog told him he was happy, well-treated and well-fed, but the rancher sometimes forgets to leave him enough water. The rancher was more impressed, but still not sure.

But when the Indian began to approach his sheep, the rancher yelled out, "The sheep lie!"

Submitted by Ed, Frederick, Md.

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Many are aware that in the Peoples Republic of China couples are only allowed to have two children. 

With the birth of their first born, couples there are especially happy. And so it was with the newlyweds Ching and Chang Wong. Ching was expecting any day and Chang, young father-to-be, delighted in boasting to all of his 2,347 neighbors. Perhaps the Chinese limit of two children is, in fact, prudent.

Last Wednesday, in the wee hours of the morning, Ching woke her husband from a deep sleep. "Chang! Wake up Chang. It's time to go."

The Wongs rushed off to the hospital. Ching was not in the labor room long. The attending nurse insisted that they should rush to the delivery room. Ching agreed, and Chang was invited along to help coach Ching.

Within minutes Ching Wong delivered a beautiful bouncy baby boy. A healthy boy, but an obviously Caucasian, white boy. Noticeably embarrassed, the nurse turned to Chang. "Mister Wong! What name baby boy?"

With a stroke of his beard and classic wisdom typical of the Orient, Chang Wong replied:

"Two Wongs don't make a white. Me name baby... Sum Ting Wong!"

Submitted by Joe, Emmitsburg, Md.

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A person fell ill in a restaurant and people called out, "Is there a doctor in the house?"

A man came over and began examining the sick person. "Where is your medical bag," one diner asked.

Holding up his index finger the doctor replied, "I'm a proctologist, I've got everything I need right here."

Submitted by Ed, Frederick, Md.

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I was in Shab Row on Friday and the Clintons were there, looking for antiques again.

I accidentally bumped into the former president and said, "Pardon me, Sir."

To which he replied, "Sure, for about $240,000."

Submitted by Ed, Frederick, Md.

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"Doc," says Morris, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?", asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done", replies Morris.

"But have you thought it through properly?", asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Morris has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand on wheels. Heading towards him is another male patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there", says Morris, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well", said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Morris stared at him in horror. "...THAT'S the word!!!"

Submitted by Tom, Fairfield, Pa. 

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After his day's sightseeing, an American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning the American returned and placed his order. That evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senor!" Sometimes the bull wins!

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.  

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A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kids says, "What you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

Submitted by Lisa, Damascus, Md.

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Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. 

The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard, you're a Veterinarian...."

Submitted by Dr. Gary, (yes, out town's vet!) Emmitsburg, Md.

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Read each line aloud Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twisters . . .
  • This is this cat
  • This is is cat
  • This is how cat
  • This is to cat
  • This is keep cat
  • This is a cat
  • This is dumbass cat
  • This is busy cat
  • This is for cat
  • This is forty cat
  • This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.

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Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other is four.

The nine year old grabs a box of Tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks, "Oh these must for your Mom, huh?"

The nine year old shakes his head and replies, "Nope, not for my Mom."

"Well then they must be for your sister."

Nine year old: "Nope not for my sister either."

Cashier, curious now; "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine year old says. "They're for my four year old brother."

Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??"

The nine year old explains; "Well, yeah! They say on TV that if you wear one of these you can swim and ride a bike. And my little brother can't do either."

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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. 

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman is driving down the highway and sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry". She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

Much to the amazement of the man, the rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands to know, "What is in the can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says:  Hair Spray" "Restores Life to Dead Hair And Adds Permanent Wave"

Submitted by John, Upton, Long Island

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A guy gets a new dog and can't wait to show him off to his neighbor.

So when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "FETCH!" Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears.

Looking balefully up at his master, he says in a whiny voice: "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Ow! It hurts from so much wagging! And you think that designer dog food you're feeding me is good? You try it. It's dreck! Too salty! And what do you care? You just push me out the door to water a tree twice a day. I can't even remember the last time you took me out for a good walk." 

The neighbor is amazed. "What the hell is that? Your dog is talking!!" 

"I know," explains the dog owner, "he's young and I'm still training him. He thought I said BITCH!'"

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. 

He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" 

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." 

He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co. 

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An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. 

While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. He got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear", the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. He wasn't kissing my neck..... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute . . .."

Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Calif.

Go to page 5 of Groaner Jokes

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