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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells . . . . . .

"SUPPLIES!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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A couple of young glow worm chicks decide to check out the new nightspot...

... ĎThe Buzzí. They're told itís hot, and they like action. The bouncers, a couple of stagbeetles, wave them in, and they find themselves a table and look round. A passing butterfly fills their bowls with an eerily glowing nectar, and they begin to enjoy themselves. The cricket band is making real  good noise, the floor is packed with jumpers, they wave to a couple of friends, when suddenly a hush falls over everything.

A drum roll, and there, slowly making their way across the floor are a couple of the most outrageous things they have ever seen. Wings painted in black and gold, bristles in shocking red, black and gold threads through their antennae, they look weird.

"Oh my god," says one glow worm. "Thatís awful. Who do they think they are?"

"Take no notice, love," replies the other. "Theyíre just a couple of goth moth."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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An Employee went to see his boss to ask for a raise

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
 

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A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel...

... and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing?

You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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You Know that Your Summer Vacation is Bad when:

  • The high point so far is when the air conditioner in your house got fixed.
  • First day of vacation and everyone comes down with dysentery.
  • You favorite home ball team transfers to Paducah.
  • The grubs ate your lawn, the rabbits ate your garden and your gross Uncle Herby comes to live with you as a summer houseguest.
  • Your sixteen year-old daughter ran off with the Panamanian gardener, so did your son.
  • Your allergies kicked in big time, you find out that you are especially allergic to Johnsonville Brats and beer.
  • Your favorite ice cream stand was torched by a local terrorist. It was due to ice cream wars from the Dairy Drip across town.
  • You found out too late that during the high dive in front of your neighborhood, that your swim trunks have a rip in the front
  • The dog is eating grass again. He demonstrated this in front of your dinner party in the middle of your living room.
  • You cannot get out of that trip you booked three years ago to exciting and unpredictable Aruba.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold harbor, Ill.
 

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How To Know that Your New Neighbors Are Weird
  • They hold sťances at 3 am every evening, naked in their living room.
  • Neighbors used to borrow a cup of sugar from you. Now they tap into your phone hookup on the pole behind your house.
  • They use your driveway for their overflow parking.
  • Say, those aren't ghosts running in circles in their back yard. Those ghosts have hoods on them.
  • They are using jackhammers at 2 am to add a lower floor to their basement. Of course you can hear that.
  • The whole family comes to your house to say "hi!" dressed in black leather and spiked hair--even the cat.
  • The police come to the house and are in full riot gear. That's just to try to pick up the dog for eating two hamsters from the kids down the street.
  • You notice that in their mail is a subscription to "Druid Monthly".
  • They always never bathe, they took their bathrooms out of the house, and installed twin outhouses in the corner of the yard right next to your in-ground swimming pool. The old bathrooms were turned into "rooms for the dear departed", filled with strange colored urns with a powdery substance inside (Is that the remains of their Uncle Pronekio?).
  • 1The wife was expecting, and the doctor once called her 9 months repugnant.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.
 

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A marketing guy was interviewing people on the street ...

...had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this. .

Which shaving cream do you use?

The gent answered, Baba's, and the guy proceeded to answer each of the interviewer's following questions with the same answer, Baba's...

Which aftershave do you use?

Which deodorant do you use?

Which toothpaste do you use?

Which shampoo do you use?

Which soap do you use?

Finally, a bit frustrated, the interviewer asked,

"Ok, tell me, What is this 'Baba'? Is it an international or foreign company?"

The guy replies. . . .

"No, he's my room-mate!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Ole lived across River from Clarence who he didn't like at all.

They all the time were yelling across the river at each other.

Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"

This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now is you chance, Ole, vhy don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you volud?"

Ole says, "OK, by yimmy I tink I vill do yust dat" Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge an he stops to read it, then he turns around and comes back home.

Lena asked, "vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in." You know, he don't look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa
 

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Sven and Ole, who are both from Minnesota, traveled down to Texas for a vacation.

While walking along a busy downtown street in Dallas, they see a sign in a store window which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers $2.50 a pair."

Ole says to his pal, "Sven, look at dat! Ve could buy a whole bunch of dese clothes, take 'em back to Minnesota, sell 'em to all our friends, and make a fortune!"

Ole continues, "Now ven ve go in dere, don't you say a vurd, okay? Yust let me do the talkin' 'cause if dey hear your accent, they might tink ve're ignorant Norvegians, and dey von't vanna sell dem clothes to us. Now, I'll talk like I'm a Texan, so dey von't know."

Ole and Sven go in and Ole says with his best fake Texas accent, "Howdy, y'all. Ah'll take 50 of them there suits at five dollahs each, 100 of them there shirts at two dollahs each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at two-fifty each. So, Ah'll just back up mah pickup and......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are a coupla Norwegians from Minnesota, ain't you?"

"Vell . . yah," says a surprised Ole . "How'd you know dat?"

The owner replies, "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition...

.... has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.
 

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A life-long city man, tired of the rat race...

... decided he was going to give up the urban life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in. As it turned out, his next-door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming ainít easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, Iíll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later, the neighbor dropped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too well. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I canít believe that. Iíve never had any trouble with my chickens. Iíll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by and the neighbor stopped by again. The new farmer said, "Youíre not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died, too."

Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong?"

The new farmer said, "Well, Iím not sure whether Iím planting them too deep or too close together."

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
 

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Things you'll never hear in a western movie...
  • "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"
  • "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
  • "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."
  • "Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
  • "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
  • "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
  • "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."
  • "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
  • "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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What Has Happen to Oz in 70 Years
  • Tin Man was taken and traded in for a Nissan Versa during "Cash For Clunkers".
  • Cowardly Lion gets is yearly rabies vaccination, became the head of the O.I.A., the Oz Intelligence Agency, which was headed for a long time by the Scarecrow. Scarecrow had to resign because like the C.I.A. management, he didn't have a brain.
  • Toto got neutered and settled down for a leisurely life with Leona Helmsley.
  • Dorothy had an insatiable desire for the munchkins, had an affair with three of them, got an incurable disease and spent time in an asylum in a ward containing herself, and the Good Witch of the South who was not in the movie. "Goody" used to diddle with the flying monkeys.
  • The Wizard returned from Kansas as a wayward astronaut who crashed into the Emerald City and became a pitchman for Corn Flakes.
  • Members of the "Lollipop Guild" were featured in last year's Emerald City Gay Pride Parade.
  • Glinda was featured recently on "Dancing with the Stars" with partner "The Horse of a Different Color." She chose him because of his reputation as a "hoofer."
  • The Wicked Witch retired to Florida, where she was arrested for an illegal left-hand turn on her broomstick outside Fort Lauderdale. Sentenced for three days in the slammer, she escaped by flying away clinging to a mop left by mistake by a janitor.
  • Zeke, Hickory and Hunk disappeared, as they were judged as figments of someone's imagination and not real.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, I'll
 

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A young boy, about eight years old was...

...  picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
 

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A young woman wasn't feeling well...

... and asked one of her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.

"I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward...

..., to the front at the altar," the Preacher said.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays with all his might for Leroy; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, England
 

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The Ambitious Cornflake.

Forrest: Once there was a cornflake. It sat in the bottom of a box of cornflakes on a shelf in the grocery store. But this was an ambitious cornflake; it wanted to be the top cornflake in the box. So it started to climb. It pushed and struggled and fought its way past the other cornflakes, one by one. It was halfway up in the box when someone...

Helmut (pointing): Greta?

Forrest: ...when Greta here came along and picked up the cornflakes box. She wanted to see if the box was full, so she gave it a good shake. The ambitious little cornflake fell all the way back down to the bottom of the box! But it didn't give up. It climbed and climbed and climbed, and was almost all the way to the top when Greta, who'd decided to buy the box --

Greta: Hey! I don't even like cornflakes!

Forrest: ...when Greta slammed the box down on the checkout counter at the store. The cornflake fell all the way back down to the bottom of the box. But it still didn't give up! It climbed and climbed and climbed and climbed and --

Greta: Get on with it.

Forrest: And finally was just about to reach the very top of the box, when Greta poured it out into a bowl and ate it.

Greta: Good riddance. Can we --

Forrest: But it was reincarnated! As a Wheatie. Now, this Wheatie lived at the bottom of a box of Wheatiesģ, on a shelf in a supermarket. And it was a very ambitious Wheatie. Its one dream was to get to the top of the box of Wheaties. So it climbed and climbed and climbed and was almost halfway to the top when Helmut came along and knocked the box off the shelf.

Greta: Meanie.

Forrest: And the ambitious little Wheatie fell down to the bottom of the box. But that didn't stop it. It just started climbing again. [...more of the same elided...] And it was just about to reach the top of the box when Helmut reached in and pulled it out and ate it.

Helmut: Yum.

Forrest: But it was reincarnated! As a Cheerio. It was a very ambitious Cheerio --

Greta: Stop it! Doesn't this story ever end???

Forrest (grinning hugely): Of course not! It's a cereal!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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While driving with my daughter and her husband..

... I noticed that the woman in the car ahead of us had a rather odd vanity plate.

"That's weird," I said, pointing to it. "Why would anyone want to boast about mold on their car?"

"Call me crazy," said my son-in-law after deciphering the phrase, "but I believe that reads 'FUN-GAL.'"
 

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A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort...

..., he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain. Suddenly the female bird says to the male,

"Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."
 

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There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town...

... which was avoided by all the town folk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.
 

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Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.

Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes him- self a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.

Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.

Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
 

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