• Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
• Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
• Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."
• Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
• Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
• Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
• Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
• Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
• Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
• Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
• Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
• Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
• Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
• A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
• He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
• Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
•  It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
• Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
• When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,

"That would be defeeting the porpoise."

• The high point so far is when the air conditioner in your house got fixed.
• First day of vacation and everyone comes down with dysentery.
• You favorite home ball team transfers to Paducah.
• The grubs ate your lawn, the rabbits ate your garden and your gross Uncle Herby comes to live with you as a summer house guest.
• Your sixteen year-old daughter ran off with the Panamanian gardener, so did your son.
• Your allergies kicked in big time, you find out that you are especially allergic to Johnsonville Brats and beer.
• Your favorite ice cream stand was torched by a local terrorist. It was due to ice cream wars from the Dairy Drip across town.
• You found out too late that during the high dive in front of your neighborhood, that your swim trunks have a rip in the front.
• The dog is eating grass again. He demonstrated this in front of your dinner party in the middle of your living room.
• You cannot get out of that trip you booked three years ago to exciting and unpredictable Aruba.

The next day, the Canadian came back to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I use the toilet, I slip off of it."

The day after that, the Russian came to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I sit on the toilet I get splinters in my bottom."

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.  I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

• The high point so far is when the air conditioner in your house got fixed.
• First day of vacation and everyone comes down with dysentery.
• Your favorite home ball team transfers to Paducah.
• The grubs ate your lawn, the rabbits ate your garden and your gross Uncle Herby comes to live with you as a summer house guest.
• Your sixteen year-old daughter ran off with the Panamanian gardener, so did your son.
• Your allergies kicked in big time, you find out that you are especially allergic to Johnsonville Brats and beer.
• Your favorite ice cream stand was torched by a local terrorist. It was due to ice cream wars from the Dairy Drip across town.
• You found out too late that during the high dive in front of your neighborhood, that your swim trunks have a rip in the front.
• The dog is eating grass again. He demonstrated this in front of your dinner party in the middle of your living room.
• You cannot get out of that trip you booked three years ago to exciting and unpredictable Aruba.

#She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

• The usual main star of the show is now called "a special guest-star".
• There are more commercials for drugs and medications than there is show content.
• The sponsors have left the show--all there is left are public service rowboat safety spots.
• You suddenly realize that the episode this week was the same as the one last week.
• You start seeing old reruns of "Roller Derby Babes" in the place of the crime/doctor drama you wanted.
• This week, it is on Tuesday. Next week it is on Thursday. Then the next week it is on Monday and Thursday.
• Suddenly it is put on against reruns of "My Mother, The Car".
• You realize that the blooper show you were watching was an actual episode of your show.
• It was decided that dead airspace was better than running new episodes of your show.
• Your show was being sponsored by Enron, Trac Auto and Worldcom.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

The one on the back says: "HEY! What are you doing that for!?"

The first nerd says, "My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I wanted to lower it a bit."

So the one in the back has had enough. He jumps off, loosens his own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.

Now it's the first guy's turn to wonder what's going on. "What are you doing?" he asks his friend.

"Look mate," says the rider in the back, "if you're going to do stupid stuff like that, I'm going home!!"

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender said, "but I can't accept that."

So, t he man pulls out a ten-dollar bill, and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the puzzled man asked the barkeep.

Pointing to a neon sign behind the bar, the bartender explained, "This is a Singles Bar."

"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window. "What I would give to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I would do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"Forget that!" the guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something?"

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

The senior exec replied, "Haven't you heard? Ben Harris went to that great ad agency in the sky."

"Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right? What did he have?"

"Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec. "A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after."

"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those darn blind kids from the bus?"

"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being referred to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"

"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the heck out of my best milk cow!"

Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in

Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably gives the same reading to Everyone.

The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.

The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat.

Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting his fiddle on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.

She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."

Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.

Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.

Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed your flight to Chicago.