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Why On-Line Colleges are Booming
  • One could attend in the nude and not get sniggered at.
  • Psychopath or beauty queen—they all look the same to the instructor.
  • Nobody knows if you cheat.
  • No football or basketball games to go to.
  • No running between classes on a frigid December morning.
  • No mandatory PE classes to satisfy so sadistic state statute.
  • Anything that happens in your house stays in your house.
  • Every girl that emails you looks like Julia Roberts, every male looks like Leonardo DiCaprio.
  • Your instructor could look like "Our Miss Brooks" or "Mr. Chips".
  • Your wife could help you with the tests.
  • You could be a valedictorian without leaving your bedroom.
  • Nobody has ever heard of your school, but that’s all right, nobody has time to check it anyway.
  • Your school used to be in the Big Ten. Now it is in the Big Ten to the power three.
  • This sort of thing is spreading in the lower grades. Now it’s called "home schooling."
  • You do realize that half of your school’s enrollment are socio-misfits, or just too lazy to attend a real school campus.
  • The school president’s name is Al Gore. He’s there running the place because nobody outside of academia would believe him anyway.
  • You also pay your tuition via email. Notice how fast the prices go up, just like the real schools.
  • The head of the Psychology department is named Schickelgruber.
  • The music department course consists of a download of MP3 music from pygmy tribes in Chad.
  • The only team allowed is chess. You do not have to bulk up for it.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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Have an eating disorder? Here's how to tell:
  • Alpo looks good when you serve the dog.
  • You cannot tell the difference between "Star-Kist" Tuna and "Nine Lives".
  • You finish your dinner before you get it to the table.
  • You find yourself searching through the neighbor's garbage can to see what he had for dinner yesterday.
  • You watch over ten cooking shows in one afternoon.
  • You have sent love poems to Rachael Ray.
  • The local buffet quickly locks their doors when it sees you at the entrance.
  • When you sit down, you need two chairs.
  • You go to all of the pancake breakfasts and church spaghetti dinners within a 50 mile radius, just to get "all you can eat".
  • You have outgrown your car five times in the past five years.

Submitted by Bruce,, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz and, after a long trial...

... the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honour," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Two hamburgers walk into a bar.

They go up to the bartender and say, "We'd like two pizzas with mushrooms." The bartender replies, "I'm sorry we don't serve food."

  • This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."
  • A sea anemone floats into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy a drink for that man in the corner." The bartender takes the drink to the man in the corner and says, "This is from your friend over there." The man replies, "With anemone like that, who needs friends?"
  • A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer. He gave the bartender a twenty and the bartender went to the other end of the bar to put the money in the register. The second bartender whispered to the first, "He's a bear, what does he know, short-change him." The first bartender brings the bear $10 in change. A little while later the bartender starts talking to the bear and mentions, "We don't get many bears in this bar." The bear replies, "I'm not surprised, at $10 a beer I sure won't be back again....

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Dumb Things Radio and Television Newsreaders Said
  • "The body was found with its arms and legs dismembered, tied in a sack and floating in the bay. I’ll be back with more sports in a moment."
  • "White Sox Mark Buherle finished signing a new four year contract today. What team will he be playing for? Details at Five"
  • "Remember white sands and sunny beaches in beautiful Bermuda. But remember when you fly to Bermuda, be sure you take a plane."
  • "The congressman was ill and reports are that the illness was caused by his—DEATH! We tried to reach him, but his office said that he was away for a while on a little vacation.(off mike) Who the hell typed this damned thing?"
  • At a county fair in Arkansas: "Well while we are waiting for the main event to start, I better tell you about some other things that have been happenin’ around here, too. Now Charlie Haymaker, he’s from Hickory Grove R.D.---he had his nuts on display on the counter just beyond the center aisle."
  • Now on ‘Want-ads of the air’ we have this advertisement from Springdale. There is a man down there who wants a man to take care of a kennel of dachshunds. He must speak German."
  • Here is a lead-in for John Cameron Swayzee and the news: "Here is John Soloman Quazie and the news."
  • Cleaners ad: "Ladies who come in and drop off their clothes will receive prompt attention."
  • "In the wonder world of sports comes word that Yogi Berra, great Yankee catcher was hit in the head by a pitched ball. Yogi was taken to Fordham Hospital for x-rays of the head. The x-rays showed nothing."
  • "Good morning ladies, we are going to prepare a dish that is easy to do and is guaranteed to please your husband, and it’s called Fricken Chickasee. Oh, I beg your pardon, that’s Chicken Frickasee."
  • A bulletin that a group of dogs got loose from a dogcatcher’s wagon and raced crazily through the fields of a well-known tobacco plantation. "Friends, does your cigarette taste different lately?"

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?"

To which accountant number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours.

The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, MD.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

While chatting with the bartender the man says: "I have a method that will enable you to double the amount of beer you sell every day."

"Really?!" says the bartender, "How?"

"Very simple. Just pour full glasses."

Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway.

On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.

When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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The Flood is over and the ark has landed.

Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.

"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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This  year's worst puns...
  • The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  • I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  • She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
  • A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
  • A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a-head."
  • I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
  • A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
  • The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.
  • The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  • A backward poet writes in-verse.
  • In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
  • When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.

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After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road

'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'

Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?'

A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer.

The barman placed his beer on the bar alongside a bowl of nuts.

As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voice saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'.

The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from. A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.' The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.

The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck...

.... and overall mood of the year by watching the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come.

One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good.

To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.

Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead centre.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.

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The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro.

Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffeur for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.

All went well till Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.

'Don't worry, Mother,' said Sister Lucy. 'You go into the supermarket and I'll drive round the block until you come out.'

Off sped the car, and Reverend Mother bustled round the store quickly, picking up all the necessary goods and then rushing back to the kerbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, fifteen, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?

Eventually Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.

'Excuse me, officer,' said she, 'have you seen a nun in a red Mini?'

'No,' replied the policeman, 'but these days nothing would surprise me!

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Three friars were behind on their belfry payments...

... so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask...

...  over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. 

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.      

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, sir!!'          

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...' 

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl..

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There was this guy who fell from an airplane and landed in a strange place.

He was badly hurt and a couple of monks came and rescued him. And the Monks told the man to be careful because they were not going to save him again. The guy said okay then spent the night at the Monk's place.

Later that night he heard an annoying loud banging and scratching sound that almost sounding like moaning. It was really loud. The next day he went back to the Monk's place and asked if they knew what the sound was. The Monk's Leader told the guy that he would have to be a monk to find out. The guy asked what it would take to be a monk. So the Monks told him that he would have to be there for eight years and pass a test.

So this guy stayed for eight years and finally passed the text. The guy asked again what that noise was he heard for so many years ago. The Monks agreed to tell him and told him to follow them. The guy was really happy because he lost a lot of sleep over that sound.

He could sleep for years thinking about that noise that sounding almost like a heart beating. The Monks walked up to some big, huge doors and the noise kept getting louder and louder. So, loud that the Monks and the Guy couldn't hear each other. Do you want to know what was behind the doors?

I can't tell you! You're not a Monk!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe.

Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.

A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A guy, out hunting in Alaska, accidentally shoots a polar bear.

Realizing his mistake, he reports the incident to the local ranger.

A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the judge what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.

"As you didn’t kill this protected species intentionally, I don’t intend to send you to prison", the judge says. "However, it is still a serious error on your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the body weight of the animal".

"For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10". Consulting his records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park services, and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to the bench, and gives his judgement; a fine of $9,000.

The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches the judge. "Your Honour", he says, "With the greatest respect, I believe you’ve made a mistake in your calculations".

"We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of 1000 pounds". "Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be $10,000".

The judge looks at the ranger, and says, "I made a calculation, taking into consideration, the animals’ weight, minus its two front paws". Looking rather confused, the ranger asks, "but why did you not include the front paws in your calculation?"

"Because", the judge replies, "Every American has the right to bear arms!"

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