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After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame...

... sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don’t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "But his face sure rings a bell."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says 'What's the food like here?'

The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still...
  • The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  • I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  • A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  • The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
  • A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart
  • Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here. I'll go on a-head."
  • I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
  • A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. The boy's grandmother telephoned, and the nurse said, "No change yet."
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.
  • The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  • A backward poet writes in-verse.
  • In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
  • When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  • Don't join dangerous cults -- practice safe sects!

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md
 

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A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved ...

...to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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The Clown noticed that his dog had become lethargic, lazy, and fat.

Being a considerate pet owner, the clown took his beloved pet to the veterinarian. After some initial confusion about whether the veterinarian ate meat, the clown described his problem to the doctor.

The veterinarian explained that there was nothing seriously wrong with the clown’s pet dog, and that it simply needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch with him."

This news saddened the clown immensely. "I can’t play fetch with my dog!" said the clown, holding back tears.

"Why not?" asked the doctor.

The clown replied, "Don’t be silly! He can’t throw!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace.

Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.

One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.

When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.

Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."

A true groaner submitted by good old Don ... stuck in traffic somewhere in DC!
 

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A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket...

..., surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer.

The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!"

After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now-Let us spray!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Never Tick off a Nurse

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

After a pause, the doctor confessed....

'Not with a carnation.'

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement...

... that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"

The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "Oh I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue.."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.
 

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Recently I was asked to play in a golf outing.

At first I said, 'Naaahhh....'

Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'

Then I thought.........

Damn -- I could win this thing!!!

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one evening.

They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi- conscious man in a pool of blood.

"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten," he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague,

"You know the person that did this really needs help."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md
 

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Wish I could think so quickly.

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,

'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 
 

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A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer...

... "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk smiled and said, "Rain."
 

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A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.

The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that after shave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You jerk. Oh my gosh you stink. Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation. "Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Cannibal One Liners
  • Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"
  • Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
  • When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.
  • Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.
  • What is a cannibal's favourite game? Swallow the leader.
  • What do cannibals make out of politicians? Bologna sandwiches.
  • What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
  • Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.

A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.

Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day...

..., and all the patients were shouting...13...13....13...13..

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....'

Submitted by Dewey Pensacola, Fl.
 

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A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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A tourist from the Arkansas area was hiking through the Ozark mountains

When he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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One day, three men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, that’s great, because I work for the Double Mint company."

About five minutes later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right here Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class.

"Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.

"Sadness," he replied.

"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.

"Elation," he replied.

"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."


A poodle and a collie were walking down the street.

The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."

"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.

"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Farm Humor
  • Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller? He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
  • What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer? You take me for grunted.
  • When is a farmer like a magician? When he turns his cow to pasture.
  • Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"? Because it was always running out of the pen.
  • What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
  • Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He has got no beef.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't - and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big Radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up &down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes ....." he replied -

She sells C cells by the sea shore!"

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, MD.
 

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A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful young man.

"Rustling."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message ...

... on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies:

"It looks like he's topped himself"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button.

In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. The boy never understood why it was there, but like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awakens, the screw will have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple haze floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the boy woke, he saw the golden screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is:

"Don't screw around with things you don't understand ... you could lose your ass.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.
 

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