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Sven and Ole, who are both from Minnesota, traveled down to Texas for a vacation.

While walking along a busy downtown street in Dallas, they see a sign in a store window which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers $2.50 a pair."

Ole says to his pal, "Sven, look at dat! Ve could buy a whole bunch of dese clothes, take 'em back to Minnesota, sell 'em to all our friends, and make a fortune!"

Ole continues, "Now ven ve go in dere, don't you say a vurd, okay? Yust let me do the talkin' 'cause if dey hear your accent, they might tink ve're ignorant Norvegians, and dey von't vanna sell dem clothes to us. Now, I'll talk like I'm a Texan, so dey von't know."

Ole and Sven go in and Ole says with his best fake Texas accent, "Howdy, y'all. Ah'll take 50 of them there suits at five dollahs each, 100 of them there shirts at two dollahs each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at two-fifty each. So, Ah'll just back up mah pickup and......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are a coupla Norwegians from Minnesota, ain't you?"

"Vell . . yah," says a surprised Ole . "How'd you know dat?"

The owner replies, "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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The high school coaches in Terrebone Parish, Louisiana went to a coaches' retreat.

To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Boudreaux because he snores so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of dem stay wit him the whole time so they vote to take turns. `Coach Fontenot sleeps wit him and he come to breakfast next morning hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happen to you?"

He say, "Man, that Boudreaux snore so loud, I watch him all night." `Next night coach Guidry's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He say, "Man, no, that Boudreaux shake the roof. I watched him all night."

Third night, coach Breaux turn. Next morning he come to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"Good morning you all." They can't believe!

They say, "Man, what happened?" He say, "Well, we get ready for bed. I go and tuck Boudreaux into bed and kiss him good night. He watch me all night long.'

Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.

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John, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire.

A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells John, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to John, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

John keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and John runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

John does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

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Two cadets at Colorado's Air Force academy were bragging in their off time ...

... about what good hunters they were.  Well, it seems that they decided to have a contest, and whoever won the contest would be accounted the better hunter. To make the things a little more interesting, they each put up a pint of the best whiskey they could find.

There had been rumors that a lion had escaped the local zoo and was roaming around loose in the dessert that surrounded the academy. The contest was that whoever bagged the lion and brought it back to base was the winner.

The first cadet borrowed a large hunting rifle and set about hunting down the lion in the conventional manner. The second cadet, who was perhaps a bit more inventive than his counterpart, secured a training jet from the local commander, loaded the wing guns with live ammunition and headed out over the dessert in search of the lion. It wasn't long before he spotted it, and, from the safety of the plane, killed it. He took the plane down, loaded the lion's body into the copilot's seat, and headed back to base, where he promptly downed both bottles.

Which just goes to show that a strafed lion is the shortest distance between two pints.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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Really, really bad one-line groaners ...
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
  • Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  • Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  • Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
  • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
  • A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
  • What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
  • She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
  • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  • When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  • Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  • He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  • Every calendar's days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
  • Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  • Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
  • A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
  • A dyslexic drunk staggered into a bra.
  • A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
  • Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
  • A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.
  • "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
  • "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
  • Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
  • An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  • Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
  • The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
  • Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
  • I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
  • I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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A doctor made had a  habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.

The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch"

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one." Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought. ... "I Just Love Baskin Robins."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.

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A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped.  

The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully.  

The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium.    

It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, MD.

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The divorce lawyer began his examination of a Polish husband ...

Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Pole: Ja, ja, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

Lawyer :"No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Pole: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
Pole: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

Lawyer: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
Pole: "All my relations are in poland."

Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
Pole: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & dvd player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

Lawyer: No, I mean does your wife beat you up?
Pole: No, I'm always up before her.

Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Pole: No, she white.

Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Pole: She going to kill me.

Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Pole: I got proof.

Lawyer: What kind of proof?
Pole: She going to poison me. she buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, "polish remover

Submitted by Sr. Wink, the Bronx, NY.

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Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters ...

If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. "We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday.

"This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, payphones, or other coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the Union, and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Alabama quarter, which was created by a University of Alabama graduate, Shackleford said. 

"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the devices."

Submitted by Sr. Wink, The Bronx, NY

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A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners ...

... who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together and both were laid off ...

... so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Boudreaux answered, "Panty Stitcher. I se da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties.

The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as "unskilled" labour", she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Thibodeaux was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $600 a week.

When Boudreaux found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yelled Boudreaux. "I sew the elastic on da panties, Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and says: Yeah, diesel fitter."

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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In 1968, Herman James, a Tennessee Mountain man, was drafted by the army.

On his first day of boot camp, the army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an army dentist yanked several of his teeth.

On his second day, the army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an army barber sheared his head.

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. The army is still looking for him.

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md

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The story of Onestone the Indian Brave.

This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant business.

Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird,who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of the story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."

This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."

This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks... "Is Michael Jackson God?"

Submitted by Linn, Hagerstown, MD

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Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest ...

... was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs, and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown?" So he walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry. He could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts, and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who bowed and thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?

The old man answered, "Ahh... evelybody ask me that. It name of oh-nah." Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?"

"He light heah," replied the old man. "He is me."

"Really? But you're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"

"Is velly simple," said the old man. "Many, many years ago, when I coming to Amelika, I standing in line at Immiglashun Centah. Man in flont of me was Jewish man from Porand. Lady at counter look at him andsay,'What your name?' He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'

I say, 'Sam Ting.' "

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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