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The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene . . .

. . . in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isnít for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nationís capital. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
 

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Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door . . .

. . , noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?"

"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the dern thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"

"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?"

"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."

"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."
 

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Four Nuns having the Weekend off

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.

"However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."

The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."

The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street."

The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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Al Gore was asked if he knew the significance of Roe versus Wade . . .

. . . Gore said he reckoned it was the decision that George Washington had to make when he planned to cross the Delaware.

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The  Government of  China announced  today . . .

. . .  that  they  are  immediately donating   50,000,000   doses  of  Viagra  to  the  United  States,  in response  to   published   news  reports   that   America  is  unable  to successfully  achieve  an  Election. 
 

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Clinton was asked his thoughts on the election . . .

. . . and he said it wasn't a crisis. He then went on to say that a crisis is when he's in bed with two chicks and Hillary pulls into the driveway!
 

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Even Monica Lewinsky voted Republican this year

The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth!
 

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A man spoke frantically into the phone: "She's pregnant, in labor and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!!" 

"Is this her first child?" asked the Doctor. 

"NO, YOU IDIOT" the man shouted, "This is her husband!" 

Submitted by Gail, Charlottesville, Va.
 

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Memorandum From the State of Florida

We, the people of Florida, are holding this election hostage. When you promise to stop sending us your old people, we will release your election.

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
 

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A partially deaf man goes into the doctor's office for a physical . . .

. . . and the doctor says, "I need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample." 

The guy looks at his wife and yells, "What did he say?" 

His wife replies, "He said you need to bring in a pair of your underwear!"
 

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The two major party presidential candidates today agreed . . .

. . . that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details.

The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much blood and violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated that the media presents Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.

In other words...

Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.
  

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run round Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...

(I JUST LOVE THIS)

"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.
 

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What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring.

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.

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What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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A young mother in Emmitsburg, Maryland needed to pick up a case of beer . . .

. . . for a July 4th picnic. She strapped her 6 month old daughter in the child seat in the back of her car, and headed for the liquor store. She bought the beer and returned to the car.

Unfortunately, she forgot that she had brought her daughter along, and carelessly tossed the case of beer on the infant.

Luckily...it was Light Beer.

Submitted by Kent, Shippensburg, Pa.
 

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A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted . . .

. .  ., "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Marianne, Columbia, Md.
  

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When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard . . .

. . . A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.
 

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Yo Momma's SOOOooo Fat . . .
  • When she dances she makes the band skip.
  • When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctorgave her 13 years to live.
  • She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
  • Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
  • When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
  • Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
  • Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
  • The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
  • All the restaurants in town have signs that say "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama".
  • When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
  • When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
  • She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
  • She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
  • I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
  • They had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.
  • She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
  • She's on BOTH sides of the family.
  • When I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.
  • She could sell shade.
  • When she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
  • People jog around her for exercise.
  • She gets runs in her jeans.
  • Her blood type is Ragu.
  • When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
  • If she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
  • She has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
  • When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
  • She can't even jump to a conclusion.
  • She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
  • Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
  • She was walking down the street, I swerved to miss her, and ran out of gas.

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Back in one of the old Chinese dynasties . . .

. . .the towns had gongs that would be rung each two hours: At 8am once, 10am twice, noon thrice, 2pm four times, etc.

The lawyers of the day would stretch out the trials as much as they could to make more money. But the judges became extremely bored with the status quo and went to the emperor, getting a proclamation that all trials would have to concluded at 2pm.

Therefore all trials ended with a four-gong conclusion.

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.
 

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