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A young couple were on their honeymoon . . .

.  . . and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom.

That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.

When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"

Submitted by Kent, Shippensburg, Pa.
  

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This is supposedly a true story right out of a small local paper: Glue Leaves Woman in Self-adhesive Mess

A 34-year-old woman simply wanted to surprise her fiancÚ Sunday with her home-improvement prowess. With the help of her two daughter's, ages 9 and 10, the woman planned to lay linoleum in her kitchen and save the $700 it would cost for someone else to do the work. Unfortunately, the woman - who asked to identified only by her first name, Anne - didn't realize how sticky the situation would become.

Anne's headaches started after she spread a coat of glue on the kitchen floor. While trying to start laying the tile, she slipped and hit a wall before falling face first into the glue, she said. "Have you ever see a fly land on sticky paper?" she said. "That's what it appeared I was."

While she struggled on the floor, her Yorkshire terrier, Cleopatra, licked her face and became stuck as well - as her daughters began laughing hysterically. Finally one of them managed to pull her up, Anne said. After flinging some of the excess glue off, Anne realized she better lay the linoleum before the glue dried. With her daughters' help, they spread the tiles within 20 minutes, no sweat.

The problem was the excess glue and how to get it off. She called a glue emergency hot line, but no one answered. So she walked to her office and tried calling a contractor in Texas who had been helping her with the tiling project over the phone. He had no answers. That's when the real trouble began. During the conversation, the excess glue on her body hardened. Her right foot was cemented to the floor. Her legs, which she had earlier crossed, stuck together. The cordless phone stuck to her hand. She had no choice but to call 911. "I had to dial 911 with my nose, " she said.

When five county firefighters and paramedics arrived shortly after 5 p.m. at the home they found Anne still stuck to the satin chair, clad only in her working clothes - which happened to be her underwear, said Battalion Chief John M. Scholz, a county Fire Department spokesman. "I've never had a call like that, and if I work this job 1,000 more years, I bet I won't have another," said paramedic Keith Lefler, who responded to the call.

When the emergency crew arrived, Anne was still holding the phone. Mr. Lefler said one of lieutenants told her she could hang it up, since help had finally arrived. But, of course, she couldn't. It was stuck, too. "That was one of the funniest things," Mr. Lefler said.

The crews, who laughed until they cried, scrubbed Anne with solvent-dipped sterile gauze pads, eventually freeing her legs, hand and extremities within an hour. Mr. Lefler said Anne handled the sticky situation with humor. "She made light about it, which made it easier," he said. "There was a lot of comedy going on."

Anne declined to go to the hospital. She was given mineral spirits to wash the rest of the glue off, she said. Though her fiancÚ was pleased with the kitchen floor, he won't allow her to do home-improvement projects anymore, she said. "The bottom line is the floor looks good," she said.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
 

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University Entrance Exam:  Football Player Version:
  1. Foreign Language: What language is spoken in France? 
  2. History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
  3.  Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
        (a) build a bridge
        (b) sail the ocean
        (c) lead an army or
        (d) WRITE A PLAY 
  4. Religion: What religion is the Pope? (circle only one)
        (a) Jewish
        (b) Catholic 
        (c) Hindu 
        (d) Polish 
        (e) Agnostic
  5.  Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters? 
  6. Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? 
  7. Religion: How many commandments were Moses given? (approximately)
  8. Geography: What are people in America's far north called?
        (a) Westerners
        (b) Southerners
        (c) Northerners
  9. American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
  10. European History: Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. 
  11. Natural Science: Where does rain come from?
        (a) Macy's
        (b) a 7-11 
        (c) Canada 
        (d) the sky 
  12. Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
        (a) yes 
        (b) no
  13. Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?
  14. Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
  15. Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. 
  16. Architecture: Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
  17. Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
        (a) New York
        (b) Florida 
        (c) Canada
        (d) Wisconsin
  18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
  19. Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for? 

IMPORTANT! You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.
 

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These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award . . . 

This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".

  1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
  2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
  3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
  4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
  5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
  6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
  7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
  8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
  9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole" translating into "happiness in the mouth."
  10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
  11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"
  12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!

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Diary of a man for a week at a health club

For my birthday this year, my wife (the love of my life) purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my primary school rounders team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I call the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tawny, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seem pleased with my surprising enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...

Monday:
Started by day a 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was all worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for me. (She is something of a goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile!! (Tawny gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her aerobic outfit. (I thoroughly enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.) Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC WEEK!!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air...then she put weights on it. My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tawny's rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked up the arse of a BMW in club parking lot. Tawny was impatient with me, insisting that my scrams bothered the other club members. (Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and I hadn't noticed that when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is quite annoying.) My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster, er, master. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tawny told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other trash too.

Thursday:
Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I explained that I couldn't help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my damn shoes. Tawny took me to work out with dumbbells. When she wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars in to find me. As a punishment, she put me on the rowing machine...which I sank.

Friday:
I hate that BITCH Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Prissy, pretentious, stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be BITCH). If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Tawny wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the damn floor, don't hand me barbells or anything that weights more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a Health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer?

Saturday:
Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrill, piercing little voice, wondering why I did not show up today? Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the other BITCH) will choose a gift for me that is fun...like root-canal treatment or a vasectomy.
  

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An actual letter sent to a bank in the United States.  The Bank thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times.
   
Dear Sir:
   
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
   
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account for $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
   
To this end, please be advised about the following changes.  I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
   
 From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.
   
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
   
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.  I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
   
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.  Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.
   
Press buttons as follows:
  1. To make an appointment to see me
  2. To query a missing repayment
  3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; (Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received).
  4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping; (Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.)
  5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. (Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.)
  6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
  7. To leave a message on my computer.  To leave a message a password to access my computer is required.  Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
  8. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9.
  9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from  "The Best of Woody Guthrie:"

Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door,
And the vaults are filled with silver,
That the miners sweated for.

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart.
   
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost -- a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me.  Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
   
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
   
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
   
Your humble client,
Jules Winder

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
 

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"Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (complaint)
(S) = Solution (reply)

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal 1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

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Government Red Tape

This is an actual case: A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.

The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer 3 months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply: (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented an application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin.

I hope to hell you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

They got it.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx. 

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